31 Hilariously Accurate, But Wildly Inappropriate Analogies

‘Don’t worry, dead birds don’t leave the nest’
31 Hilariously Accurate, But Wildly Inappropriate Analogies

The malleability of language is amazing. While yes, you may feel yourself actively growing older if you listen to middle schoolers construct what they believe is a sentence, it’s truly beautiful to witness people eschewing convention. It’s even better if they do away with tact, add a dash of philosophy and create a stunning visual, like saying, “Success is like being pregnant. People will congratulate you, but no one knows how many times you were fucked before you got there.” 

You see what I mean? Gorgeously done. 

Along these lines, Redditors have rattled off their favorite hilariously accurate, but wildly inappropriate analogies, and every single one of them prove that art is being made everywhere, all the time. You just have to pay attention.

mmalluck 9y ago We were in the process of troubleshooting the design of some complex aircraft control systems and the project manager wanted to know why we kept finding new issues after old ones were fixed. The response was It's like trying to find turds through the shit-water. Share 5 ...
spanishboyalej 9y ago - College professor once told our class what his father told him about relationships: You just gotta ask yourself, 'Is the fucking you're getting worth the fucking you're getting?''' I've lived by that philosophy for a lot of things in my life since then. 5 Share ...
 9y ago . A little late to the party, but my dad once explained to me how rare and difficult it is to achieve a really ambitious goal by saying, It takes a tall dog to fuck a giraffe. 5 Share ...
BobbyDStroyer 9y ago We were talking about getting the cart before the horse on a project and wanting to go back and start it over differently, and I said It's a little too late for foreplay when your balls are already slapping against her asshole. I got promoted. 6 Share ...
ZachSka87 9y ago . When people say stupid crap like Well I didn't vaccinate my kids and they were fine so it's obviously not necessary! I like to say And 5 out of 6 people 'win' at Russian roulette. Still a fucking stupid idea to play. 6 Share ...
SentientPotatoes 9y ago e On procastinating and doing things at the last hour: It's like trying to find a toilet when you've shat your pants 79 Share ...
ultrahybonetical e 9y ago Whenever my dad gets asked how he likes his stake, he always says cut off its horn and wipe its arse + Share 15 ...
JoeyDubbs 9y ago . Conversation with some friends when one mentions he messed around with a dude and probably would again despite being straight. Another friend points out that he's essentially bisexual. His reply: I can visit Europe, that doesn't make me a European. 15 Share ...
CrownNCokes 9y ago Not wildly inappropriate, but I've told Internet customers that anti virus is like taking vitamin с. Sure, it'll help against some stuff, but if you go playing in the sewer, you're gonna catch something. 6 Share ...
thestupidpit . 9y ago o I often use opinions are like orgasms- mines the only one that counts and i dont give a fuck if you have one! 6 Share ...
crazyabtmonkeys 9y ago E Watching The Simpsons now is like watching a grandparent go through Alzheimer's. You see flickers of what once was but at the end of the day you pray to God that it dies to end their suffering. 19 Share ...
 9y ago e My high school history teacher hated it when people used if in their history papers. Because if implies a hypothetical or a conditional. And in our papers we were supposed to be arguing the truth about something, not a hypothetical. So he has a phrase If the queen had testicles, she'd be king 16 Share ...
nignogatron 9y ago People used to ask me how long my programming assignments for school would take, I would tell them It's like taking a shit, I don't know I'm done until I'm done. Share 27 ...
loonatik87 e 9y ago Another Aussie saying when referring to something really good: That will give a jellyfish a hard-on. 29 Share ...
stephj e 9y ago When people start having a verbal pissing contest, I usually say, well let's just take our dicks out right now and measure them. To be sure. I'm female. The eye contact is key for delivery. 84 Share ...
KorsaDK . 9y ago I told to my dad his pants was unzipped.. he replied: Dont worry, dead birds dont fall out of the nest + 3.1K Share ...
Rustified e 9y ago . When on the golf course and putting. If the ball circles the hole but does not go in my dad will say, she had it in her mouth then her dad walked in. + 823 Share ...
birtardedest 9y ago My boyfriend gets super annoyed at me because every time he's doing something, I'll chime in with advice on a better way to do it. On one such occasion, we were in the kitchen with my mother, and after I'd given another piece of unsolicited advice, my boyfriend said look. I'm the one fucking this cat, you're just holding its tail. My mum lost her shit and a few months later, used the same line on my dad. + 578 Share ...
-eDgAR- . 9y ago e I heard this one a while back that I liked: This is about as useful as rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. + 581 Share ...
omfgregg 0 9y ago When someone is telling you how to do something you are quite proficient at, I don't come to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth. 121 Share ...
walktheglobe 9y ago On a geology field trip, we were looking at a playa lake. Someone asked what was the deepest the water ever gets. My professor said just deep enough to drown a baby, and walked away. + 4.6K Share ...
NothinglfAnything 9y ago Edited 9y ago I saw this guy on a motorcycle once. It was GORGEOUS, the way the chrome blended with the black; and how every detail and inch of it was spotless clean. I walked up to the owner and said I know nothing of motorcycles, but this is one beautiful beast. Не turned to me, and I stared right into the black pits of his sunglasses as he etched this beautiful sentence into my mind. You don't have to have sex, to know you wanna fuck. This happened 4 years ago, and I pray I never
Toady_ 9y ago My mom, while talking about one of my sisters's friends said, she wears pants so tight you could read her lips! + 4.1K Share ...
VaginaTractor . 9y ago . Edited 9y ago Procrastination is just like masturbation. It feels good at the time, but in the end you're just fucking yourself.
PM_ME_YOUR_VAGINA- e 9y ago When someone it's being vague about what they want from you. I only have two balls, and neither one of them are crystal. + 5.5K Share ...
anotherpoweruser . 9y ago Success is like being pregnant. People will congratulate you, but no one knows how many times you were fucked before you got there. + Share 7.2K ...
FlyingGerbel 9y ago My boss was once describing the size of a small crate of equipment that we needed to get sent to a freight moving company. When the delivery driver asked over the phone for 'roughly how big is the crate'? My boss replied with... 'Ummm about the size of a 6 year old's coffin'. (I literally fell out of my chair) + 6.5K Share ...
PuxinF . 9y ago e Motorcycles are like butt plugs. It doesn't matter what you think you can handle; start small and work your way up. + 3.4K Share ...
stargazingskydiver 9y ago I used to teach a skydiving course and one of the first things we teach you is how to arch which keeps you stable while falling down. Anyway, one guy just wasn't getting it. Не was trying to arch with his chest instead of his hips, so I told him it's like getting a blowjob through a chainlink fence. Не got it immediately. 524 Share ...
implementor 9y ago One I heard from my grandfather, about a kid that just didn't have a clue: He'd come out of a barrel of titties sucking his thumb. + Share 2.6K ...
Pnk-Kitten E 9y ago When teaching somebody how to crochet: It's a lot like sex, you just stick this pointy stick in that little v. Over and over. 4 Share ...

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