41 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of October 18, 2024

The chilling effect of chivalry
41 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of October 18, 2024

Last week was a highly animated one — at least in terms of news. Rick and Morty will run through 2029 (bare minimum) as co-creator Dan Harmon announced that Adult Swim gave the show a two-season extension. Trey Parker and Matt Stone revealed that Book of Mormon was almost an animated film instead of a Tony-winning musical. And Robert Pattinson turned to both the aforementioned Rick and Morty and Ren & Stimpy as vocal inspiration for the dual roles he plays in Bong Joon-ho’s much delayed sci-fi romp Mickey 17. That said, they weren’t necessarily Pattinson’s first muse. But when he tried to do impressions of Jackass’ Steve-O and Johnny Knoxville, Joon-ho told him that the “voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard.” 

Meanwhile, the colorful cast of characters on the timeline continue to provide nonstop hilarity. This week’s funniest tweets included those about the perfect measurement for a small gathering of white dudes, an iPad search history that brought two parents to tears and a secret meat-up. 

MD @mdoogan97.10h Bloke in work fell asleep at home time yesterday, which is a regular occurrence, walked in with a 2 litre bottle of Pepsi and a couple of chocolate bars for breakfast. A real mystery as to why he can't stay awake AX VICTOR CNC DB 45 45 3,075 295K
Jason Goes to Hell @benedictsr... 1d ... A small group of white people is called a dollop. 43 1,155 14.1K 354K
raccoon aesthetic. @racco... .20h ... GOD IS TESTING ME AND I HAVE NOT STUDIED 23 7,166 38.8K 1.1M
Horace Goodwill, tonicke purv... . 1d ... In a way I think it's kind of sweet that there's a Nobel Prize for economists. It's like giving a child a fake steering wheel so they can pretend they're driving the car too 111 3,368 52.5K del 1M
Liam NissanTM @theliamnissan 17h ... Even if you found a feral child near the dumpster behind a Dairy Queen and then educated it on absolutely nothing but Dukes of Hazzard reruns and Mountain Dew nutrition facts, that child would still have a better understanding of the U.S. Constitution than Lauren fucking Boebert. 372 3,702 27.6K 302K
kenny/cooper mw ace ... 1d ... reverse age regression where i pretend to be 70 years old and my care taker has to sit with me and watch jeopardy 56 4,509 33.5K del 402K
Katie D @KatieDeal99.16h ... Every year on my birthday my daughter asks how old I am and then cries and tells me she doesn't want me to die so that's a fun tradition 49 167 3,963 67.8K
sophie @netcapgirl . 1 16h ... oh you have an ipad kid? mine is already building dashboards that give executives deeper insight into critical business functions 25 639 8,093 del 172K
Steven Glansberg @Stev3nGL... 20h ... Just finished my exam, you know what that means 070 ALL-ST 54 1,110 23.4K 1.1M
Omar Sakr @omarsakrpoet-17h ... My 2.5yo has taken to pointing at empty spaces in the house and saying he's going to get you, Baba and I cannot stress enough how not okay I am about this. 6 34 684 18.1K
T @Mad_Dad2020.1 12h We went thru my kid's iPad. My wife is upset but Latina twerk compilation has me crying tears. 152 2,114 19.9K 437K
Ross Sayers @Sayers33 1d My girlfriend just asked me if I could make her another couple bits of toast. She probably thought I'd need to get a second knife dirty. Wrong. I'd carefully rested the original knife on the edge of the sink. Been training my whole life for this moment. 102 2,022 63K 1.5M
@SuspendedTo... 15h tommy ... Patrick Mahomes II @PatrickMa... 22m ... 6 MANOMES Why is Aaron so good at that 15 230 964 8.5K 192K LeBron James A @KingJames 21m Right!! It's ridiculous! 121 164 2.5K d 72K Jalen @Air_Jalen23.2m Crazy right?! We should all hang sometime fellas 6 300 4,994 154K 3.7M
scary sarah @sarahradz_. 16h ... My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up 6'3 pool boy bitch @y... 3d what was the incident in your groupchat 395 13.9K 212K 5.5M
Queen Liza @Krystal... 11h ... real decompose1 Follow yeah so i'm i wish i was a probably gonna woman so i could stay with the company- be your wife and tell you what to do real exchange i overheard between two of my bosses. ???? 23 2,605 34.9K del 316K
R mor @moristiko. 1d ... Who wants wet food Who wants to move their head out of the way so i can put the wet food in the bowl ... 64 7,994 140K del 2.6M
girth brooks @HOWDYBITCH. 1d ... redacted @aquariusdays.9 9h ... Everybody is too weird about feet. I'm done censoring my feet and I don't care that people like feet. People like boobs too and I post those all the time 2 1 77 1.6K robin @shitpoetic - hh 1 6 76 31 1,960 34.1K 560K
caulksleeve @caulksleeve.1 1d ... do u think poop gets scared when it's aboht to get shitted or is it hype 126 2,734 40.7K del 1.1M
richard @richard_normal 13h twitters search function is largely totally cooked but credit where it's due, my search term only actually contained one word in the tweet, but it pulled up exactly what i was looking for on the first result buddy alien plane People Videos Photos Top Latest slick @dlicj12/19/17 my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it 142 13K 58K 11 458 8,848 101K
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz. 1d ... (putting my jacket over a woman's shoulders) I'm actually really cold now haha. It's ok though. Oh wow it's super cold. Oh my god 119 8,118 137K 2.5M

Image provided by Cracked

Devon Hardware's Wife @tha... 22h ... dreamt i was back home and my parents told me to pick up things from the grocery but the shopping list was just a bunch of numbers like 1 2338 4 128612 1 5034 1 443 and my sister told me they had assigned numbers to every object in the universe and memorized them 28 480 11.2K 113K
soph @djmusclemommy- 17h ... im just a girl you mix ketamine and buzzball with beatbox. u are my uncle 20 1K 12K 333K
@FREAKYPRINCESS. 3d Al could never BABYALIEN_ONEARTH BABYALIEN_ONEARTH 32 1K 11K 284K
Big Hat Logan thee Sorcerer @hat_sorcerer. 3d Girl, So Confusing came on at the club while I was dancing with another bald guy and I can't tell you what a highlight it was to see his face at they say we're alike, they say we've got the same hair and to take off my hat like this GIF 69 2.2K 64K 955K
michael @honeymunes - 2d ... going to the store y'all want anything (picture included so as to not erase Cynthia Erivo) 287 5.2K 173K . 6.3M
Scully @isthatscully • 3d gaslighting myself every day by simply telling myself I just need to lock in. as if that will fix the economy & solve tense geopolitical situations 63 20K 96K 2M
Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen 2d being a guy and calling another guy brother ... I bet that feels so nice 1.7K 5.7K 113K 4.5M
(not) NOT jackson @JacksonFromTwit. 3d ... in a different life i would have loved to have gotten divorced with you 17 930 6K 224K
tay @hairball1952.3d kaylee!! @kalesus_ 5h i thought the cocteau twins were those silly blonde guys 1 18 4 del 1,243 kaylee!! @kalesus_ 2h These ones DA VINKIN OWER DÁ owen VINKI! a 18 441 5.2K 113K
sammiTs HEARD BUSY WOMAN @blondieholic 3d ... she's stronger than me because i would've been like okay guys shows over ant @Iuvurguts. 4d guys you can tell she hit her chest area really bad ohmygod ik my girl was holding back tears 0:03 106 6.8K 158K 3.9M
x_44tb0yTHOTi3_x @vampiric_shirin . 4d ... smoking weed when you're a boy with long hair must be like damn i'm so fuckin high and im a boy with long hair 1.2K 20K 212K 5.3M
ms. mamas @criesincreole.3d Why you use his full government Fenty Lounge @FentyLounge 3d Obsessed with this shot of Rihanna and As Soon As Possible 952 48K 649K 18M
daniel @mattvews . 3 3d ... are they executing her Diet Coke LAST MEALS 34:36 Ella Purnell Eats Her Last Meal K Mythical Kitchen 18K views 2 hours ago 273 5.3K 156K 2.8M
AARON!! serge daney mcbride @abs_sweetmarie - 2d ... Did three ghosts visit him last night? V Variety @Variety. 2d Jerry Seinfeld 'Regrets' Saying the 'Extreme Left' Killed Comedy: 'It's Not True ... You Can't Say Certain Words About Groups. So What?' variety.com/2024/film/news... 148 4.9K 96K 2.3M
sarina @sariverse . 3d went to the function where my crush was at and didn't speak to him the whole time hopefully he gets the hint 36 1.4K 21K 394K
valentine @tinyaltgirl 3d ... walking thru the park to pick up psych meds i said out loud i love fall!! and a voice from the bushes said me too!! really enthusiastically and they were like sorry im just smoking weed when i screamed 48 3.8K 69K 884K
Corey Cash, MPA @logicbrnr 3d There's no point. Buttholes on the TL at 8:30 am. ZolaPaw @NOTKoolKerm_.3d Does this generation of tweeters have a Twitter after dark? 193 12K 72K 2.4M
jonny @jonny1737748392.5d 1 am a female. 55. 5'5. 142 lbs. I find everything interesting. Am schizophrenic. manic depressive. Would like to contact male of same calibre. 9F324 Seattle. WA 2.7K 34K 89 700K
Corey Jacob @coreytimes 3d Oh that's- Hey sexy 3:00 P No twinks 3:13 PM Not a twink but okay Read 3:17PM Where's your beard then 3:18 PM Double Tap to Like 197 434 23K del 1.4M
jaya. @jayacancook 4d Crabs and their legs will never know peace. Idris Elbow @YallLuvCris 5d SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!! OLD BAY OLD BAY GARLIC BUT GARLIC BUTTER Chesapeake Butter Spread Wt. 3.5oz (99g) de IN MD Important Net licensed lo registered trademark Cruft Culinary of McCermick MADE Packaging & Company OLD BAY GARLIC BUTTER Chesapeake Butter Spread Net Wt. 3.5oz (99g) to MADE IN MD Incorporated loesed to Craft Culinary Old Padment of McComick Packaging & Company 203 14K 122K 4.9M
macklin @saintmacklin 3d I have no issue with age gap relationships as long as the old one is hot 244 8.1K 108K 3.1M

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