31 of the Funniest Things People Did to Avoid Sex

It’s maybe the only time liking the ‘Emoji Movie’ comes in handy
31 of the Funniest Things People Did to Avoid Sex

What lengths would you go to in order to avoid getting physically intimate with someone? 

A tried-and-true classic is feigning food poisoning because nothing sours the mood like perpetual ass ripping (unless, of course, you’re into that kind of thing). Another classic is women claiming that it’s their time of the month. 

But those standard excuses weren’t enough for these Redditors. They went above and beyond the call of duty to avoid getting down and dirty. They’ve faked hernias, pretended to be really into The Emoji Movie and constructed a pillow fort where “no girls were allowed” all in the name of rebuking someone else’s sexual advances.

mrgovernah 0 5y ago Was chilling at my house and a girl came over, she picked the worst possible movie that would keep me uninterested in it and be bored to have sex. (Was the emoji movie) she started saying how this movie is kinda boring and we could do something more exciting... I told her no this movie is actually really fascinating and I really want to watch it. 6 ...
lewisflude e 5y ago Described how the internet works from the high level all the way down to the network layer. + 7 ...
AbigailRoseHayward 12y ago I made up the biggest lie ever. I told him that I was on my green period. I said Once every year a girl gets her green period. The blood is so poisonous, one teaspoon could kill you. and he believed every word of it. 13 ...
bonespark 12y ago Was out one night and a guy wouldn't quite get the message to leave me alone. Не kept insisting that I come back to his house. I said no and he kept asking. I eventually got bored of it and told him he could come to mine. We get back to my apartment block and being as I was living in on campus accommodation you had to have a student card to get past security... I flashed my card and walked right past the security guards. Не couldn't follow any further and kept calling me back. I
Henryrollinsjr 12y ago My best friend started dating this girl and we all would hang out but we would always end up talking alone on a patio or by the pool just because apparently, he didn't talk to her about the stuff I did but that's my best friends girl, I knew that and I made that clear with HERA, but one day she sits on the couch next to me and everyone in the house was dead asleep. She starts feeling up my leg and when she got to my crotch..... I pissed myself. To gross her out, I
miaminative1 12y ago I was once really horny and lonely, so I called up this girl that I was not into but I knew she was into me. We start chatting it up and getting pretty hot exchanging pictures and what not. So she makes her way over to my house and as I am waiting I decide to rub one out. After I do that I realize what I am about to do and panic sets in like full blown panic. In a haste I called a good friend of mine and close neighbor and I tell her that
 12y ago Well this probably won't get seen but I had a couple friends over at my house when I was in high school. We were watching a movie when the girl next to me kept creeping closer and closer towards me. I knew what her intentions were so I proceeded to place an empty bowl on top of my head until she moved away. I played it off as nothing happened and continued to watch the movie. 36 ...
IL calicali 12y ago I locked a guy out of my apartment when he went outside for a smoke and then pretended that I passed out. Не spent a solid 20 minutes ringing my doorbell and calling me before giving up. We're still friends...he always makes sure to remind him not to lock him out if he steps outside. haha. 42 ...
stimbus 12y ago A friend of mine made himself throw up so his girlfriend would leave him alone. Не threw up on her shoes and apologized, he said he was sick and wanted to go to bed. Не really wanted to play video games all night. + 326 ...
LeaveMeBeKaren 5y ago REALLY REALLY REALLY didn't want to lose my virginity to this asshole I went on a date with so when he took his pants off I said I remember when mine used to look like that. I was waiting on his front porch for my best friends to pick me up. 36 ...
 5y ago Put on a documentary about childbirth 45 ...
i_d-k . 5y ago Did my best to convince them how nasty I was down there and how sweaty I had gotten on the walk back to my friends apartment. Straight 10 minutes of proactively telling them how disgusting I am and self degradation. 58 ...
 12y ago Called her the wrong name in between her kissing me. Bad breath is a turn off. Oh. I thought you were a Sarah. 926 ...
itsforhismum 5y ago Pretended she kicked me in the balls during foreplay 281 ...
K9Seven 5y ago Male Said I suffer from a disease called momentary motion sickness. Unless you have some kind of puke fetish, let's not do this. ;) 346 ...
Numbnut95 5y ago This dude had a penis like a Louisville slugger, so when he asked for a blowjob I just... blew on it and pretended to not know what I was doing so that he would leave. + 836 ...
LonelySpawn 5y ago Edited 5y ago When I was a teenager and I dated a girl that I regretted meeting, I would text my dad and tell him to call me furious to ground me and tell me to immediately go home, or that he was coming home. It always worked. PS: I did the same with him, when his date wasn't going that well, but I'd tell him that I had tickets for a game or a special event. + 1.4K ...
legendof_chris 5y ago At 2am, in girl's bed, I abruptly announce I want to go play my new Zelda game. And I did, and it was excellent. + 2.3K ...
mattrech 5y ago Got a buddy to call me up pretending to be the boss of an IT company saying I needed to come in to a job that I didn't work. I then packed my bag in a rush with a laptop, an extension lead, my PlayStations LAN cable as well as some micro USB cables so it looked legit. PS if you're reading this I'm sorry to travelled so far. 990 ...
IWouldRatherNotSay1 5y ago I had a friend who wanted to be more than friends so i just didnt make eye contact for the whole night and pretended the music was too loud to hear her. On the way home (i was giving her a lift) she claimed it was hot and took off her top (she was only wearong a jersey with no bra underneath) so instead i blasted the aircon to make her cold and put it back on. As a uni student who cant afford to spend on aircon it was a tough decision 284 ...
WriteSomethingGood . 5y ago Male Told her I had a hernia flare up so had to go. ...I don't have a hernia. + 3.4K ...
abuzayn . 5y ago Pretended to fall asleep but actually fell asleep. + 9.6K ...
or Zer08821 5y ago This girl that I wasn't interested in kept trying to get me in bed after my old bands show once 10 years ago. We were all hanging out in a hotel after the show drinking, this girl was trying to be all over me at dinner beforehand, and at the hotel after(and she was just being generally annoying). I was not interested at all. For some reason the topic of foreskin came up, and this girl starts ranting and raving about how much she hates it and thinks it's gross. I see my golden opportunity I
 5y ago 4 am on vacation, both of our roommates were already passed out so we had no where to go. She wanted to go to the beach loungers but it was kind of chilly and I was tired. So I found two beetles and decided to make them race each other until she got bored and left. + 8.9K ...
chrispyb 12y ago I was really high watching the lion king and this very unattractive girl kept edging closer to me on the couch. I eventually wound up curled up in the fetal position away from her tucked into the very corner of the sofa. + 1.6K ...
rider_pride 12y ago While wingmanning a friend (who was having sex in another room of the house) I had to sleep in the same bed as the girl he was having sex with's ugly friend. So she really wants to do the dirty but I'm not feeling it with her at all. So very drunk, I decide to make a fort on my half of the bed out of blankets and pillows and such and try to go to sleep. However, she is surprisingly aggressive, so for an hour I have to keep yelling at her, NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN
uncleoce 12y ago . Edited 12y ago Told her that Jesus wouldn't approve of our having premarital sex (she stunk horrendously once I got down there).
 12y ago . Edited 12y ago The sex with my ex-girlfriend was so terrible (she'd lay there like a dead fish, basically) that when we would go out to bars, I'd purposely give myself whiskey dick.
nathanielsnerpus 12y ago A couple once tried to have a threesome with me. They kept trying to touch me and massage me, and my awkward, idiotic attempt at diffusing the situation was to complain incessantly about how hungry I was and could we please go find some fried chicken. Finally I had to explicitly tell them I wasn't interested. They were really nice about it, so nice that they believed me about being starving and loaded me down with all this fresh produce. I had to walk home at midnight carrying two huge armfuls of cabbage and pears and stuff.
 12y ago Back in college I was a designated driver for a group of friends. We get to a party and my sober ass is bored. Then a very very drunk woman I knew from one of my classes started hitting on me, culminating with her telling me she'd fuck my brains out. Sober me thought this wasn't kosher since she was hammered so I turned around for a moment and yanked a few hairs out of my nose. It made me eyes water and my nose run and I said I have a brutal cold you don't want
 12y ago I took a girl to her boyfriend's house. + 1.7K ...

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