40 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of September 2, 2024

She’s all grown up
40 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of September 2, 2024

A new month, a new week and a whole lot of new news. 

South Park fans can rejoice, as Casa Bonita is finally ready to open its doors to the general public. It took years to get to this point, but Trey Parker and Matt Stone said the extensive renovation process made Colorado feel like home again. Ellen DeGeneres is explaining how badly Hollywood has shunned her in a new stand-up special that will air to millions of Netflix subscribers later this month. And Marlon Wayans gave us yet another reason to hate the Weinsteins.  

Meanwhile, despite Michael Keaton starring in a film and a newly-released sequel predicated on not saying his character’s name too much, the star is ready for you to say his name — his actual name. The Beetlejuice Beetlejuice star’s birth name is Michael Douglas, but due to Screen Actors Guild rules and a certain nepo baby actor already being a card-carrying member under that name, Keaton was unable to use his legal name as his professional name. So, as legend has it, he settled on “Keaton” after a quick look through the phone book. But the actor told PEOPLE that moving forward, he will go by a combination of his birth and stage name, with Michael Keaton Douglas being his new professional moniker.

The new month also brought with it new tweets that were just as fresh. This week’s funniest included those about fat ass physics, the Swifties turning into their fathers and one game an iPad baby won’t want to play.

Ryland! @RYLANDDUNCAN 13h ... if I hadn't heard of spider-man I would just kill and kill and kill Mesh @MeshMushi 1d Genuine question.. Did spider-man effect any of you guys to become a better person? from 3 377 4,810 108K
Cardigan Stef Indy N3 ... 2d ... Someone stole the с and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight... YOU MAKE In this Happy of جدي CORE! THE WHOLE ASS Shimmer 591 10K 144K 7.8M
Goddammit, Jamie @Jay_Fricki... 2d ... I don't like the person I become when I can hear you chewing 32 257 1,342 del 50.6K
Megan @anneme69.4d ... Try a little everyday...it opens on the third day. Ann @Annie_Modiba. 4d Ladies who stay alone, who's opening this for you? CROSSE E time SERVING SUGGESTION a BLACK SINCE E Tan DE MAYONNA RICH. SMOOTH 448 6,014 68.4K 2.1M
Case @Cactuscali1991 -2 2d If I tell you I'm grinding, I just mean my teeth. 20 213 961 28.3K
kate @sensualitay 16h ngl i doubt either of them could fix my computer CEL @moonlithoax 16h Tayvis really the IT couple huh 275 11.2K 200K 5.8M
Dan Goldstein @dggoldst.5d ... Okay so this is wild. I'm using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn't give me my change. Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change. 1000 1000 AL LU 252 3,972 130K 2.2M
kay @agitslop_ 17h ... i'm gonna be honest with you. yeah vo @vanillaopinions 19h has any director in history had a run as good as this? The Visit 2015 2016 Split Glass 2019 Old 2021 2023 Knock at the Cabin 2024 Trap 215 938 55.9K 2.4M
@soidoona 1d i ino longer dislike mondays, i'm mature now, i dislike the whole week 230 48.8K 185K 3.7M
MUSA @musareeds.2 22h my hungry ass thought this were mangoes. Isabella @IsabellaAmara1 . 2d Dividing of your soap to make it last long Have you try this hack before? 358 18K 149K 3.9M
Valentine @nimu_kamau 2d One day I'll start eating like this and leave fries and rice alone. My problem is when I smell fries my body starts moving like Tom and Jerry. KITCHEN DEPT @flexeatss. 6/20/24 Post gym meal 216 8.4K 79K 3.2M
gracie O SAW XI HYPE @coffinposting. 2d i may have found a solution to the ipad kid epidemic 156 8.6K 98K 1.6M
Straight edge Chino Moreno at hooters @stone... 2d ... My wife skeletor showing our friends our newborn baby denisa @pradapearll3 3d i actually can't breath, this look is just absolutely phenomenal oh my god!! 0:02 87 8.7K 121K 2.9M
Heather @Damn_Heather.1d ... Stay strapped GlowFYourself.com 242 4.2K 39K 1.4M
Tim Onion @oneunderscore__ . 1 14h ... Just checked the Taylor Swift subreddit to see how they react to Chiefs games now and each and every one of them sounds like my dad. r/TaylorSwift x Search in r/TaylorSwift Cowgoon777 2m ago Baltimore really missing those two timeouts Vote Reply Award Share vincedarling . 2m ago Finally Harbaugh does decent clock management Vote Reply Award Share ... Cowgoon777 3m ago Chiefs will now just chew clock with runs and if they get another 1st down they will win as Baltimore does not have enough timeouts to stop the clock Vote Reply Award Share ...
milena - @ladybugd0ts.2d ... i look at this gif to calm down GIF ALT 50 2.4K 19K 407K
baechel. @_RAYtedr.2d My laundry hamper is full again 0:05 358 43K 223K 3.5M
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz. 16h ... Watching women's tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn't put needless obstacles in the way of women. 19 1.7K 29K 654K
The Pettiest Laker Fan @ThePettiestLA 1d Not buying the the game anymore so she knows I'd never play her. LHH Legion Hoops @LegionHoops.2d Cameron Brink in NBA2K25 (via @Jumpman_Germ) @Jumpman_Germ UCLA Health SPARKS 22 231 4.8K 96K del 6.7M
FMJ captain slappy @thedarkprowler. 1d always good to hear from him Dad now D The broth is very unique and flavorful 33 2.2K 52K 973K
carter hambley @carterhambley 1d girlfriend trying to dump me gently at a restaurant meanwhile i'm combining salt and pepper into one single shaker labeled COMPOUND X 45 2.6K 57K 1.2M
Thicki Lake H @ShyThugg 1d Not 183 year old tea!!! People People @people . 2d Abraham Lincoln Shared Bed with a Man for 4 Years, Fell Into Suicidal Depression' When Не Left, Doc Says (Exclusive) people.com/abraham-lincol... 287 22K 233K del 6.6M
october lovers @aperfectpumpkin 2d ... u ever smell the air and it smells like the 4th grade scholastic book fair on a chilly tuesday in october of 2000 428 22K 179K 4.4M
zivar roxana hadadi @roxana_hadadi.2d ... literally ... the definition of a musical. DEADLINE Deadline @DEADLINE. 2d Lady Gaga doesn't view #Joker2 as a musical. Gaga says the music is used to really give the characters a way to express what they need to say because the scene and dialogue is just not enough #Venezia81 81 81 CAMPARI Cartier MOSTRA INTERNAZIONALE STRA INTERNAZIONALE D'ARTE CINEMATOGRAFICA D'ARTE CINEMATOGRAFICA ARMANI LA BIENNALE DI VENEZIA BIENNALE DI VENEZIA 07.09 2024 28.08 beauty 07.09 2024 8.08 mastercard T PHILLIPS LADY GAGA 1:08 38 1.3K 27K 788K
Carla م و @oceanblvdvinyl - 2 2d ... gaslighting queen DEL REY: Usually, I tell people that they broke up with me, because essentially, they did. Because they made me do that. 14 679 7.8K 151K
CM @conormurrayTM - 2d how many killers are in that building omg @PopBase. 2d Pop Base 'Only Murders In The Building' has been renewed for Season 5. ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING 274K 9.4M 694 14K
prozac & cody @clubskunks . 2d ... i once saw someone on here use physics to explain that only someone with a fat ass could achieve this cinesthetic. @TheCinesthetic - 5d Tom Cruise's underrated pole stunt in Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation (2015) - 0:08 86 4.7K 104K 3.7M
@NoEmmeG· 3d ... he said turn this on CHANGE U. @uniqueblessed 4d My youngest son is so hilarious dawg, whenever he gets hungry he sits in his favorite cabinet and points at the stove lol this is his way of telling me to cook OFF H OFF 46 7.3K 88K 2.4M
Blockbuster @blockbuster.4d ... BLOCKBUSTER Giving all our employees the day off to celebrate Labor Day. #LaborDay 1.8K 9.3K 95K 5.7M
cinnamon bun @notsofiacoppola 3d ... shrek 2 is a labor day movie because there's a scene where shrek gains the trust of fairy godmother's worker by saying he's from a labor union. 94 8.6K 103K 2.2M
Joseph Schles @josephschles 4d Finally found a 'pup' mask that matches my personality. 52 404 6.6K 329K
OMG @OsoMediaGroup 4d THE OSO What I want is PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN Fido @Fid01084.4d Replying to @edsbs LSU SC LSU Vegas Vega SU DASAN 48 2.6K 33K del 2.7M
Tracie Breaux @traciebreaux-4d My husband made me mad so | sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago 97 259 3.6K 84K
 @archer_uwu 3d ... being the only non-trans person in a large friend group of trans people 1 - - - - Springs - - 2 - - 2 123456789R 2 VISITORS 0 0 1010 3 1 0002 HOME I I 2 - 0 - AT BAT - - IRAL 1-1 - - 3 02 - - - 1-2 - - - 4 PETER GRIFFIN - - - - 2 #1 TRANSGENDER FAN!!! BALL STRIKE OUT 164 7K 96K 1.8M
zolwis 3: @loopingjane 1d how it feels to not smoke or drink while being in college 1,820 11.9K 187K 4.7M
Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmi... 21h ... correct: the Minecraft movie is for investors К Kotaku @Kotaku 1d Sorry, The Minecraft Movie Isn't Meant To Be For You dlvr.it/TCsJsj 54 2,166 41.4K 640K
anna @myelessar• 8h ... my friend just sent me this comment i am in disbelief smella (etsy open!) i've never seen an elijah wood movie but he's my new favorite actor 20 Std. Antworten 12.519 eva watch lord of the rings ! he's great in them 19 Std. Antworten 995 Kenssu eva is there omg that movie is so old tho any remake I'm not aware of? 19 Std. Antworten 43 100 354 5,157 158K
AB @AB84.18h ... Harrison Butker when he gets home from the game tonight I have surprise for you 138 814 23.3K 1.6M
christain @boyruminating 2h ... am i crazy or was this the best summer ever?? i i watched so many funny instagram reels and on top of that tiktoks 36 748 12.2K
bailey @baileylikemovie-4 4h i i could easily write and direct a universally acclaimed film i'm just tired 7 615 3,193 del 47.6K

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