51 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of August 26, 2024

The bike thief was incredibly thorough
51 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of August 26, 2024

Last week delivered a range of buzzworthy news and head-scratching sound bites. Adam Sandler continues to make due on his $250 million promise to Netflix with Adam Sandler: Love You, which showcased “songs, jokes, party-crashing dogs” and more of the sensitivity he provided in his last special. In less loving news, Joe Rogan accused Jerry Seinfeld of stealing muffin jokes from Kevin James, and while that isn’t totally accurate, the Seinfeld episode in question does have a legacy of muffin-centric theft. The breakfast-pastry accusation wasn’t the only Seinfeld news this week either — the comedian got a special shout-out from Quentin Tarantino, who for some reason, really likes Bee Movie.

Diving into news from Bikini Bottom, it looks like Mr. Krabs may have gone back on his word. After 14 seasons of vowing to never disclose his secret formula, Krabby Patties will soon be available above sea level at a Wendy’s near you. Paramount reportedly will team up with the “never frozen” fast-food chain to celebrate the 25th anniversary of SpongeBob SquarePants with the “exclusive Krabby Patty Kollab.” The meal will include a cheeseburger topped with “a secret Krabby Patty Sauce” and fries, along with the option to add an aptly named, limited-edition “Pineapple Under the Sea” Frosty. 

Over on the timeline, the most hilarious tweets bubbled up to the top of Twitter and drowned out the rest of the noise. This week’s funniest included those about a deceitful train station, the beauty of learning how things are made after a few drinks and the role that just keeps bringing Jim Carrey back.

Jane Altoids @staticbluebat.3d Jim Carrey should keep announcing his retirement and then unretiring just to do another Sonic film 4F DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm - 3d First look at Jim Carrey as Gerald Robotnik in 'SONIC 3' 86 5.2K 104K 2M
hailey @broatado.2d West Kiss & Ride ! ! DC metro scam alert: even though some stations have an area + called kiss & ride you do not get kissed and ridden,960 there! ... 12 154 21 1K 14K 438K
hot patootie @culchie_spice 2d you could say i'm a gamer My Health Coach STOP SMOKING WITH ALLEN CARR DS NINTENDO BABED ON THE WORLD-FAMOUS Allen Carr's Easyway 3+ To Stop Smoking LICENSED BY TM Nintendo www.pegi.info UBISOFT 8 342 7.4K 258K
jay; @fckitsjay 2d iknow - that 'forgot password' button hate to see me coming 75 18K 129K 2.2M
clarevoyant @kneeyockartee.3d ... Could be me except I'm pretty sure the fella I'm talking to can't actually read dee @spuffylovebot.3d zendaya and tom holland swapping books on vacation in italy is so special to me 154 5.2K 132K 6.7M
ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl•2 2d ever since I was a little girl I knew I loved to be right 18 5.5K 27K del 1.1M
I Pray for the Carbz...From Day to Day @sissytha... 4d ... BOOTY TALK 46?!?2!/!!! It's Tha Bang Man @FredoBang 4d This generation will never understand Finding your parents stash ANal Town Beautiful B liquel donewn City maxell DVD-R Memorex 88 4.7 Black DVD ! 2Hrs - nwn KAZAK ASS 4x DVD PRODUCTION Booty Talk 46 COAS WEST 2001 WCP Copyright DVD BOORY TALK #21 10 1.1K 37K 48
Heifer Hotline @janetheeesq - 3d ... there is a guy i see every single time i'm at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i'm like this is outrageous. today, i'm here & there are two of them. they're twins Imao it's all adding up 281 6K 155K 2.1M
octopus/caveman @octopuscaveman .3d ... Brad Pitt at the end of Se7en RES 3.1K 117 40K 2.2M
gal kilmer @beepupkin 4d ... A good movie can change your life moviemattk HEAT 19 617 7.9K 298K
Blair Socci @blairsocci 5d Diarrhea shouldn't be spelled like that like most ppl who have it don't have time to get a PHD just to be able to write it in a text 37 370 7.6K 334K
chelsea @bigidiotgirl - 3d owned a what for how long Hi - I'm not sure if your plus 1 tweet was a joke, but I have a friend who lives in Texas and would love to be your plus 1! He's a farmer who family has owned a cotton farm for generations. 6'3 and extremely funny 3:07 PM Accept Block or report Delete 2 69 1K 53K 1.9M
meera @hoshifyyy - 3d ... i either read for 8 hours straight or don't touch a book for 8 months there is no in between 102 31K 142K 2.4M
jonah @earthisacage.1 1d i love talking about movies...i love saying i haven't seen that one...but it's on my list 101 15.6K 89.6K 2.7M
Every6thDay @Every6thDay 1d ... Finally saw Rear Window. Now leaving the theater in which I laughed a lot because this meme almost undersells the reality Uhhhh I think BABE PLEASE there was a HAVE SEX WITH murder ME I'M so HORNY 112 2,878 45.3K 1.2M
Kaitlin Newman @KaitlinObs... 1d ... My boyfriend's bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it? That is because they also stole the fence. 166 2,853 67.8K 1.2M
eStarland @eStarland.22h favorite new thing: scratching haunting things into bananas at the market so when people take them home hours later and the words appear they think a ghost is telling them to do something BUY A WIL U 51 2,330 28.9K 501K
Molly Wadzeck Kraus @MWadz... 1d ... 3 yr old: At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again? Me: no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You'll continue to grow. Isn't that cool?! 3 yr old: starts sobbing. 115 3,045 80.1K del 1M
oily footjob pls @vt1nz. 1d Lo Beezy ... Apr 1 Im so high just stood in the mirror & watched myself eat 3 lil bags of chips Like Comment Share Niyahh Mcclain and 20K others 40,545 shares Most relevant V View previous comments... 306 3,185 30.1K 941K
Richy Craven @RichyCraven 1d ... Wild how Fleetwood Mac, a band that famously slept with one another's spouses and then wrote and performed songs about it, have reunited and toured more than Oasis, a band where two brothers think the other is a bellend. 76 2,629 48.7K 1.5M
Zach @zjfrank13.1 1d ... Something so sexy and mysterious about responding I was raised Catholic when somebody asks if I'm religious instead of just saying no 103 7,488 62K 2.2M
Joseph Fasano @Joseph_Fas... 1d ... I wonder if any student will ever top this email. Professor Fasano, Like Hamlet, I have hesitated to act for reasons I cannot articulate even to myself. May I have an extension on the Hamlet paper? 231 8,236 195K 3.9M
hannah montana @cigarett... 18h ... haven't spoken to this girl in 7 years, absolutely not 3:31 Friend on Game Center 147 CB Cheyenne Today 2:41 PM My location II not receive phone calls, messages, or FaceTim hi did you mean to call? i'm at work! from people on the block list. Delivered Oh i'm so sorry! did mean to call, it's related to the new job started! I'd love Block Contact to hear from you & see if it'd be something you're interested in! LIDE Sounds so pyramid schemey but it's not I SWEAR Cancel 257 1,446 97.9K 2.7M
yash @dildoswagginzs• 1d ... me: give it to me straight doc doctor: you have seven months to live me: give it to me gay doc doctor: it's giving seven months 94 9,493 148K 2.6M
Renée @AmarRenee 20h Waiting for your laundry to finish before you go to bed feels like prison 12 4,311 31K 553K
Louise! @themouseyouknow- 1d ... Babe what's wrong? You haven't taken a seat on the rouch yet 328 7,914 84.9K 2M
SWZ © tor @swoozydolphin 1d ... life b cool for 45 minutes then its weeks of nothing but facing The Void 19 5,112 26.8K del 471K
Woolfy @WolfyNotWitch 1d ... I'm going to (remembering I can't make suicide jokes anymore) go whaling 73 7,940 67.7K del 1.1M
kida @kidasnow 1d my problem is i have like two jobs and i still do this fge @katemsswannabe-2d Please dont make me get a job All Pins R AM COLLEC С Chemtrails С Lana Del Rey Album 2021 + di White Dress Lana Del Rey FA Chemtrails Over T don't worry t Lana Del Rey BE PARIS Tulsa Jesus Freak Lana Del Rey Let Me Love You L RE White Dress Lana Del Rey 21 3K 49K 1.1M
LL Cool Tweet @LLcoooltweet 1d Doing this with a pierogi in Lake Erie Damarys @RoatansFinest· 4/24/22 Went to Roatan to dip my mango in the ocean like Rihanna! And it's so good!!! 0:18 205 6.7K 104K 4.3M
leyla in twt jail @mrswambsgans.1 1d choosing to believe that this also includes mike vara @danamyyuri.2d crazy face cards 11 278 10K 297K
JP @jpbrammer. 19h I found this design so affecting as a child NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH WE LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER 238 35K 1K 681K
Liz Charboneau @lizchar 1d What if we followed each other on mychart Menu L Friends and Family Access Who Can See My Record? No one can see your information + Invite someone 88K 7 187 3K
Diandra Krueger //// @SassySledgehmmr-2 20h ... Pinhead is a Disney Princess Joe Russo @joerussotweets.td HELLRAISER 2022 is available on Disney+ now and I hope all your children stumble on it. 21 1K 7.9K del 251K
Ariel Dumas @ArielDumas. 1d ... Is this anything IT ENDS WITH BUS @arielduinas 443 7K 262K 47
Brock @brockomole 1d Drunk as hell watching How It's Made like ohhhh so that's how they make it 74 6.5K 86K 1.9M
amelia elizalde @ameliaelizalde. 15h STOP spreading misinformation. diet coke has a lot of nutrients we just don't know what they are yet manny @mannyfidel. 1d me after switching from whiskey-coke to whiskey-DIET coke for months and then finding out that the sweetener used in diet coke is just as bad, if not worse than regular sugar D 39 2.1K 45K 1.9M
andi (e/alb) @Nexuist 1d ... roommate still hasn't noticed I've been raising the oxygen in our apartment air composition by 0.5% every day and that's why we can do everything on 3 hours of sleep 169 3.9K 155K 4.7M
Midwest Modern @JoshLipnik - 19h ... can't stop thinking about how beautiful this is. the doorknob ring... Eric Allix Rogers @EricAllixRogers.e 6d Smoke 'em if you got 'em in the mail 4 334 7.4K 198K
Delicious Tacos @Delicious I... 1d ... The thinking man's Ozempic 57 2,028 27.3K del 907K
Sean @seanbeegee 19h ... This is what Tyra Banks used to make girls do five minutes before she shaved their heads, called them gaptoothed, then sent them back to the Midwest forever 72 3.1K 53K 1.1M
BiG Mek @meka_badazz88· 1d ... Aite boom so RENT DUE next week... Party at my house this weekend!!! Free to get in... $150 to GET OUT!!!! 226 6,189 54.4K 1.2M
... b. @COMMEdesARCHIVE.1d polo shirt on, the chain is out, you're on a date mest @ricalaprincesa 1d in Mexico and how tf did i end up at dinner W my Taxi Sompday EVERYTHING WILL driver MAKEPERFECT SAMM FOR NOW LAUGH AT THE CONFUSION SMILE THROUGHT HE TEARS AND KEEP REMINDING Sompday YOURSELF THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR & REASON EVERYTHING MILI MAKE PERFECT SENSS vive FOR NOW LAOGHAY THE CONFUSION SMILE THROUGHTHETLANS AND KEEP PEMINDING YOURSELF THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR & REASON vive ca-Cola ca-Cola ORIGINAL 3.1M 165K 8.7K 70
Roady @roadsoda69420.23h picked up chicfila for some coworkers and they all said damn they skimped on the fries today 89 4,635 101K del 2.1M
ugly fat billionaire @HymenR... 22h ... Who the fuck is driving on I-90 next to me bruh 123 1,208 27.4K 444K
gil @oafworld 18h ... boyfriend gets upset if say i'm gonna kill myself so now i add and then i come back to life 125 7,625 104K 2.6M
By ears Sensory spaniel avenger @nicebigdog 1d ... with SPORTS if you're pure of heart cigarettes actually ong parited - anout aren't bad for you 1 6,782 40.5K 1.2M
Andrew @Swordfish978.23h ... I looked into the character Culture Crave @CultureCrave.2d Robert Downey Jr. will reportedly be paid $100M to play Doctor Doom in #AvengersDoomsday and #AvengersSecretWars... 52 5.4K 108K 2M
chelsea leite @chelsealeite 13h ... These two have the same energy, I will not be elaborating e Webuil HARVARD 35 1,546 15.5K 292K
ellory smith @ellorysmith.2h ... This is what working in an office feels like lily @hondacrvthe3rd - 1 15h solce 4:23 please don't say hate i hate when we have grass for lunch 9 860 16.1K 321K
Skyler Higley @skyler_higley- 14h hey honey, remember the conversation we had earlier this week? well, everyone on Reddit says that you are the asshole. 25 3,576 78.3K del 1.4M

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