63 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of August 19, 2024

They’re not masterminds
63 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of August 19, 2024

The end of the month is fast approaching, but the news isn’t letting up. Sean Evans has gone full sicko mode and is raising ethical concerns about his most recent Hot Ones guest, with many asking if it’s “promoting” cannibalism to have Donald Duck on a show centered around eating chicken wings. Meanwhile, Michael Keaton promised that the current cultural landscape won’t keep Beetlejuice from his usual depravity when Beetlejuice Beetlejuice hits the big screen in a couple of weeks. And speaking of sequels, Adam Sandler announced that Travis Kelce has a small part in the upcoming Happy Gilmore 2. But the Kansas City Chiefs tight end isn’t the only person getting in on the fun, as thousands of New Jersey residents responded to a casting call for a chance to appear in the film. 

Last week’s news also came with some self-reflection, as Punkie Johnson revealed why she abandoned Studio 8H ahead of Saturday Night Live’s golden jubilee. The comedian, who spent four seasons with the show, appeared on Dana Carvey and David Spade’s Fly on the Wall podcast and told her fellow SNL alums that the show is “for a different type of person.” She admitted that she didn’t grow up in the sketch comedy scene and considers herself to be a “crazy” and “more out-the-box” person who is too “all over the place” for SNL’s structure. There were no hard feelings, though, as she thanked head honcho Lorne Michaels for the opportunity and for believing in her to begin with. 

Like Johnson, the timeline has been out-of-the-box with humorous tweets that can’t be confined to a single style. Some of the week’s funniest involved girls named Andrea, when the Friday the 13th prequel should be released and some strict rules for quitting smoking.

helli they've fuckicilling putting me yeasah down Matt Post @MattPostSaysHi 4d I wanna work at like a Walgreens and drive this syd @deerfella.4d pulling up in shit you cannot even fathom 28 34K 919 654K
karolime_ @karolime_ 4d ... Thought this was the moon Canes DM16 KH 121 5K 107K del 2.1M
Samm Levine @SammLevine. 4d ... In my best Adam West voice... SAR GO IT ENDS WITH US MY PENGUIN FRIEND 47 2.3K 24K 527K
Nerbit @Nerbit_13098 3d Our annual tradition of sacrificing billionaires to appease Poseidon is going well I see Dexerto @Dexerto 3d Tech billionaire Mike Lynch is missing after $18M yacht sank off Italian coast 1K 86K 755K 16M
Jamie Plunkett @FrogPreacher.2d Tweet Denny Carter @CDCarter13 Typical QB tweet: love my teammates god is good! RB tweet: keep grindin TE tweet: derp WR tweet: the enemy speaks kindly & holds a knife 9:08 AM 8/10/17 TweetDeck 620 Retweets 146 Quote Tweets 3,534 Likes @jalenreagor. 2d Reag Weapons may form, but shall not prosper. 12 1.5K 29K 1.3M
sammie @sammienotsam 3d Guy in front of me on the plane is watching Challengers and just went into this pose when Art and Patrick started kissing 62 3.7K 99K 1.2M
Cruz Oxenreider @TheRealCruzOx.  2d ... OK State players after a big play Add a Tip 15% 20% 25% No Tip ON 3 On3 @On3sports.2d ONE Oklahoma State has announced that players will wear helmets with QR XII codes linked to the team's general NIL SANTE fund.... COWBOYS GM 29 2.1K 31K 2.3M
Babble @Babble_ 2d Guy who's just taking the baby to see Alien Romulus Alien: Romulus 15 1h 59m strong horror, gore, language In the cold expanse of space, a group of young colonists stumble upon a derelict space station, long... Today Standard showtimes 13:30 16:30 20:00 i Baby Club 10:15 158 43 3.5K 117K
@yourkoreanbf. 2d needs the am bet this felt good asf for the computer 1 gay quit carly rae jeppson's malört @gfisworse 3d thinking about how we used to turn computers off KETW 11 452 11K 226K
Tom Reagan's Hat @RufusTSuperfly -2 2d Better be called THURSDAY THE 12TH DF DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm . 3d The 'FRIDAY THE 13TH' prequel series is moving forward at A24. Brad Caleb Kane ('It: Welcome to Derry', 'Black Sails') will serve as showrunner. CA A24 17 576 262K 9.8K
Louise! @themouseyouknow .2 2d The Ayyy forget about it!! Brothers Badda Bing Badda Boom Mini Rex & Lion... Young Young Mini Rex & Lion... 135 16K 156K 2.7M
Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible - 2d ... every day I tend my little garden Blocked accounts 12863 > Muted accounts 799 > Muted words 119 > 517 10K 82K 1.5M
Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen 3d more people in horror movies should realize what's happening and off themselves in as peaceful a manner as possible. that's what i would do 183 1.5K 12K del 11M
butta. @buttanyc_ 3d yeah around this time i didn't care if they fired me or not shit was getting bad 94 554 8.8K 233K
Radical Funky Kong Facts @funkykongfac. 3d throughout all the times this tweet has resurfaced, a community note has never appeared. this is destined to become true S The Sun @TheSun . 6 6/30/16 REVEALED: Women will be having more sex with ROBOTS than men by 2025 thesun.uk/6019BvkRf 57 6.9K 119K 1.2M
deo @frickyuu 4d deo @frickyuu•23h ... Name a character who went through more pain then her 56 62 862 24K Rango(2011) Follow @JohnnyDeppRango Rango. 1.6K 51K 950K 80
the human sadiepede 2 @hell_doe . 3d life is challenging sometimes Kanye West Following @kanyewest I hate when I'm at a bar and I order a drink with a orange peel garnish like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this orange peel 8:57 PM - 16 Oct 2011 M 25,148 Retweets 45,436 Likes 807 25K 45K 11 238 8K 111K
Roshan Patel @roshanpateI.3 3d Being a dad is hard what if she doesn't like the names I picked out 12:52 Notes Boys names - 1 INVIDIA GeForce RTX 4070 - Satoshi Nakamoto - Annual Revenue (middle name: Recurring) - 16in MacBook Pro M3 Max (Space Black) Michael Cera financial_model_aug19_final_FINAL_v3.xlsx 74 659 13K 558K
eleanor @dimestorepaglia • 3d ... do you think they told him to pose like that or he just did that 31 478 5.5K 147K
Paris @goodyhilton 21h ... Two exedrin a celcius and a handful of dog food let's hit the gym fellas LEMON LIME CELSIUS. LIVE FIT SPARKLING LEMON LIME BURNS ESSENTIAL BODY ENERGY FAT MRG - 50 1,971 24.6K 950K
Martin Lawrence @realmarty... 1d ... @Notdojaaa.2d Okay we get it. x.com/freauxmama/ sta... XOXO @freauxmama·1 10/29/22 Martin Ü UberFacts @UberF... 10/28/22 Whats the most overrated sitcom of all time: 39 25 55 XOXO @freauxmama·1 1/28/22 Martin show was just unfunny to me lol 23 36 24 del XOXO @freauxmama 7/17/23 Family Matters was probably the worst show ever made besides Martin.. Not up for debate 72 170 64 95K XOXO @freauxmama-9/29/23 I swear it's like a crime in the black community to admit Martin was + overhyped and corny 490 1,910 16.8K 1M
octopus/caveman @octopusca... 1d ... Girls named Andrea are always like actually it's pronounced Andrea 131 2,088 29.3K del 1.2M
anica PAX West @anicacihla 1d ... SOON DIG THROUGH THE DITCHES AND BURN THROUGH THE WITCHES I SLAM IN THE BACK OF MY DRAGULA 63 8,525 42.2K 924K
robin @birdwarehouse_ 1d so there is a rock on the side of a highway here that is always getting painted to accentuate its nipple-like qualities (and then some loser will come paint it back to its natural color) but someone has now given it a nipple ring 11 586 10K 101K
Garou @Paridisimo.1 1d ... TEST ipst - Administry be - .. I hate when bartenders try to lookout for u and pour u a crazy big shot like I appreciate it but take some of this back shorty I'm trying to have a good time not frow up in front of the bitches 66 4,033 48.5K del 1.1M
COOLEE BRAVO @ItalianFi... 1d ... Dats why ppl was randomly throwin up in kindergarten alisha @thealishaj 1d Being a kid is insane... eating cheese pizza and washing it down with WHOLE MILK?? 83 5,464 60.5K 1.5M
Joshua Anansi @JoshuAnansi• 1d ... Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, Oh, I would just kill myself. 192 3,481 73.7K del 1.8M
@Stonedw... 16h ... stoned wifeyy I recently taught my kiddo how to make my iced coffee bc she loves to be involved- it's always made so well & the other day something just felt off- this morning she made my coffee & while she was doing the espresso she said sometimes you need extra energy.. so I do 4 scoops 71 1,660 76.6K del 1M
Chis @turbochis 7h ... stella barey @bareybaby My lifelong dream of double penetration is being realized tomorrow 1:50 PM 2023-02-28 9,314 Views 165 Likes 8 Retweets 1 Quote Aldo Litch @AldoLitch-48m Sadly mine of universal healthcare seems further and further away. Good luck on the dp. 6 del 244 60 4,586 70.2K 1.4M
violet ٨ ٨ @swagjesusfan - 1 1d told this customer how much his total ... - KACT NEW - was and he told me that he can read 131 1,056 48.3K del 648K
Candy @labeautenoire_3.1d ... We're watching Bring it On Candy @labeautenoi... id Showing my daughter a documentary on the consequences of cultural appropriation through art theft. 101 6,275 42.5K 1.3M
Tyrone @TheTyronePalmer- 17h The vegetables in my crisper looking at me Doordashing yet another meal PRESIDENT 2 - UNITED 69 1,591 28K 834K
tina hand @tinacantdrive 1d i don't care for your tone Wolf of X @tradingMaxiSL.4d 2. Go ahead, find the curved line 7 1,240 54.2K 927K
Roxi Wheels @RoxiWheels 16h I'm into pain BUT NOT LIKE THAT 2 SHARP! SHARPI 261 5,008 54.5K 1.8M
чай @fatpussyhex. 1d ... credit randomly went up by 20 points the day after them hackers leaked our ssn's cc 0:01 From Netflix 43 1,460 54.5K 507K
chuck bass's cousin @pedri69... 4h ... You guys don't understand how much harder it is to get your gf more into sports when your teams suck. Ive taken my gf to two panthers game and shes still never seen the panthers score a single TD. No wonder she'd rather go to sunday brunch than watch this shit 16 172 6,621 252K
Maizie @postboob.1 1d ... the call comes when the call comes and all you can do is be ready 1d @whotfareyoudude ج Its barely noon Your day at a glance 38m ago Touch yourself. 5 813 13.3K 564K
tate @50FirstTates 1d ... nobody will remember: -your salary - how busy you were - how many hours you worked people will remember: - the one time you misspelled that word in the chat - how badly you misspelled that word - god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down 61 5,570 40K 789K
Eric @odailybitch.22h the text i just received from my 10 year old niece after her first day of school Today 2:20PM Guess what? I got a gay best friend he's so nice. And super zesty. 30 763 43.7K 824K
cockgaming32 @cockgaming32.18h ... no seraphine @yrinsanel... . 1 1d do you guys ever wish ur online names were ur real names lol 107 8,465 110K 2.1M
Stephanie/Citifanía @SFGee... 22h ... Know worth your REFUSE TO BE STORED IN BLACK PLASTIC SACKS AND PLACED IN THE CONTAINERS PROVIDED 25 1,122 12.9K 268K
Syd Divine @SydDivineTarot-17h ... what are your talents i can get real sad real fast® for no real reason 32 11.9K 59.1K 2M
Kafka, esq. @metalgea... 17h ... There's nothing like commuting by car that reminds you that within each of us is a deep capacity for profound evil 15 733 7,587 105K
b @communemami - 1 1d ... I love being so openly embarrassing that people feel like they can tell me anything 16 3,513 17.6K 353K
vague skies @galacticdad.17h ... Photo memories just reminded me of the funniest push notification I've ever gotten 5 25 : 28 sz GT 2:10 X x KILL YOURSELF NOW!!!!!!!! 28 5,697 92.3K 1.2M
ryan @scubaryan_ 1d ... land of the free? heh. good one, kid. S 3 ass eagle glocc @lilglocc1k•1 1d american eagle been goin thru it CC 252 16.4K 211K 6.1M
mol @mollllymoon 1 1 16h TV Caldo de Rez @klssthesvn.2 21h you look like you're from san antonio (derogatory) 22 3,793 47.4K 1.7M
@godblesstoto.22h ... Me accidentally catching a glimpse of myself in the self service checkout camera 106 1,765 22.9K 641K
@prettyyae.2 20h ... My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school he thought that shit was over 1,137 8,566 144K 1.8M
Rochelle @dowdenlordy 22h ... I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together... what could you possibly be plotting... you can't even get out of the open window 10 2,592 32.9K 456K
yolk @yolko@no. 1d gm effemimaniac ... hey. don't cry. I went to Mad At You island and none of your friends were there :) bakugou-kacchan ... ti why were you at mad at me island 20 7,308 101K 1.3M
alex @midsmoker34.13h Bag talk. I fw this Amy @minyoongislut. 18h Who else just fucking loves Wallet Wallet 7h 45m 7h 45m on screen 28 4,574 82.1K 2.2M
Shafeeq @Y2SHAF.21h .. i drive home so quick after work like i'm late for the house 43 9,337 38.1K 881K
KH @kevtahjae 21h I'm tired of buying groceries omggggg I just wanna steal!!!! 29 1,460 5,440 200K
X AE A-XII @elonmuskssohn-5h ... jesus... Graduate degree D Rarely No So you're a socialist huh Man Want kids Hindu Today Socialist Can't say ...it's 50-50 I'm looking for More of introvert... extrovert with close friends Kindness Openness Gratitude What? You think........ Socialist is being My interests social? Cricket Cafe-hopping Delivered Gardening City breaks Dogs 204 6,815 117K 2.2M
greg @greg16676935420:1d ... I wonder how many different animals we had to try riding before discovering that horses were cool with it 1,244 5,520 115K 3.6M
colleen @starlesseyesz.1 18h ... christian is such a funny name when you think about it. what if I named my kid atheist 105 2,663 50.2K 594K
F. Scott Fitz Jesse (Johnny Ut... 18h ... I refuse to patronize Ruth's Chris Steakhouse or Fifth Third Bank until they are prosecuted for their crimes against syntax. 17 123 1,236 26.4K
j@lieslmao 1d i may i be suicidal but i used to be suicidaler 89 17.3K 88.4K 1.4M
John Attridge @John_Attridge. 10h ... You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in? 18 2,395 21.5K 472K
Sgt. Suckdown @Sgt_Suckdown-1 1d ... Time to make a change No smoking unless On holiday/international waters My birthday My best friends birthday Outdoor concerts I've had 3 beers My friends friends birthday Only having a cheeky one Feeling stressed Celebrating a milestone (ie. haven't smoked in a week) I'm at an indoor venue where it is allowed It's sunny outside I'm feeling too healthy I seen an Asian man doing it at 7:06am outside my place of work I'm offered one 122 4,131 48.9K 2.4M
Comrade Sisko @Pinko... . 5h ... the film alien poses a chilling question: what if you were at your job and something happened? @StolenDans 23 1,321 17.5K 415K
Nick Watts OW Km @NICKWATTS_.1d... Need a new dining table for my apartment. Might fuck around and get the og. Pregames would go so hard with one of these. Rectangle Mobile Cafeteria Table with Stools-Light Gray Color: Light Gray Additional Information Pricing Description $2,025 / Price Each Subtotal: $2,025.00 Add to Cart 51 1,046 37.3K 1.4M

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