51 of the Funniest Tweets from Monday, August 19, 2024

Four scoops? She had to be hearing colors
51 of the Funniest Tweets from Monday, August 19, 2024

There’s nothing better than hearing about your friend having a successful first date that ends in bedroom gymnastics. Some people, though, are major prudes about such things — namely, NBC executives. One in particular had very strong feelings about a storyline in the Friends pilot that involved Monica Geller sleeping with someone after a first date. Co-creators David Crane and Marta Kauffman told The Times U.K. that the executive wanted to change the storyline, arguing that it would make Courteney Cox’s character unlikable. The executive went as far as to poll the live studio audience for their opinion, asking if Monica’s decision made her a “harlot.” Crane revealed that the audience collectively responded, “No, it’s fine,” which finally convinced the executive to let up. 

Other executives are a little bit more accommodating. David Lipper joined former Full House co-stars Jodie Sweetin and Andrea Barber on their podcast How Rude, Tanneritos! and shared that his role as DJ’s mulleted love interest was a consolation prize of sorts. The actor, who played Viper, was set to star in an “unbelievably funny” comedy pilot alongside Hilary Swank, Tiffani Thiessen and Kaley Cuoco. The series ultimately never made it to air after being dropped at the last minute, but Lipper said that the president of Warner Bros. Television was “a fan” of the actor and wanted to make sure his talents didn’t go to waste.

Over on the timeline, there’s no question about what we’re getting today — lots of good comedy. Today’s funniest tweets include those about peak train humor, the guesswork of consulting and the kind of guy who’s very defensive about his favorite song.

Candy @labeautenoire_3.1d ... We're watching Bring it On Candy @labeautenoi... id Showing my daughter a documentary on the consequences of cultural appropriation through art theft. 101 6,275 42.5K 1.3M
Tyrone @TheTyronePalmer- 17h The vegetables in my crisper looking at me Doordashing yet another meal PRESIDENT 2 - UNITED 69 1,591 28K 834K
tina hand @tinacantdrive 1d i don't care for your tone Wolf of X @tradingMaxiSL.4d 2. Go ahead, find the curved line 7 1,240 54.2K 927K
Zeraiya @ZERAIYAKO.2 21h Y'all doing bumps at the MOVIES?!? What happened to edibles oh my fucking god- holly thee nymphet-', 1d omg this validates me bad bc i was at the maxxxine screening doing bumps & felt a lil cracked out thinking about it later x.com/tvradioservice... 10 274 7,652 165K
Rat Mic @sliccmic 22h now imagine being 27 @twittsper 1d casper being 22 is crazy bc i just talked to someone my age working in a cardiology department meanwhile im hoping to land a job at spirit halloween 50 2,970 39.1K 1.3M
Chairman Birb Bernanke 23h british people calling sprite and 7-up lemonade and referring to what americans call lemonade as cloudy lemonade is underdiscussed as a reason to hate the english 665 4,711 71.2K 3.1M
samson @testochunky•1 1d stages of moving house 1. omg i have so much stuff i'm so stressed 2. wait i don't have that much left i'll be fine 3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought 4. fuck. the kitchen 18 785 17.8K 286K
Terminally Online Leftist @... . 1d ... gn Weon United 2 hrs-25 Why can't die? Mike Try a metal fork Like - Reply hr Weon oh look at me the millionaire that can afford metal cutlery Unlike Reply 4-1 hr 12 2,476 71.2K 664K
Meg @megannn_lynne.2h Things that feel SOOOO good after 2 vodka sodas: 1) reacting to everyone's Instagram stories 2) gossiping 3) singing Whitney Houston I Wanna Dance With Somebody 4) cheese fries 5) using Hinge Things that feel SOOOOO bad after 2 vodka sodas: 1) bras 2) self-restraint 8 265 5,701 84.5K
Good Willsmith @GoodWills... 23h ... ah yes the classic way to drink Malort, just an entire pint glass full of it down the hatch. we all do this here in Chicago as we gaze out upon the Al-generated skyline. a nice little treat for breakfast Socialists For Pritzker 2d Welcome to Chicago, Democrats. Enjoy your stay. MALORT 36 165 4,202 118K
Roxi Wheels @RoxiWheels 16h I'm into pain BUT NOT LIKE THAT 2 SHARP! SHARPI 261 5,008 54.5K 1.8M
Danny Conrad @DannyJCo... 16h ... A heartfelt 12 second mourning period from my dad before getting back to business. Wordle now, grieve later Today 3:32PM Hey guys, passed away this morning. Will let you know details about the arrangements once I hear back. L Damn that's sad. Let us know J So sad, thanks dad Wordle 1,112 3/6 D 10 24 2,634 208K
bfa agonistes @superloafcat•2 20h ... 11:55 PM You make my dick twitch like an N epileptic kid during a grand mal My brother is epileptic Awesome, so you get the N reference 11:57 PM 3 584 21.6K 750K
чай @fatpussyhex. 1d ... credit randomly went up by 20 points the day after them hackers leaked our ssn's cc 0:01 From Netflix 43 1,460 54.5K 507K
chuck bass's cousin @pedri69... 4h ... You guys don't understand how much harder it is to get your gf more into sports when your teams suck. Ive taken my gf to two panthers game and shes still never seen the panthers score a single TD. No wonder she'd rather go to sunday brunch than watch this shit 16 172 6,621 252K
(Alli's Canadian al... 23h Katy ... I GOT REJECTED FROM MCDONALDS McHire Alerts 10m ago Update on application with McDonald's Dear Kaitlyn, Thank you for your interest M in McDonald's. At this time we have decided to pursue other applicants. We appreciate the time and effort you took t... 1,390 4,996 161K 5.8M
Ben Rosen @ben_rosen 18h ... yeah my wife says i'm demure. demure i talk demure she wants me to leave! 20 1,171 17.5K 474K
ak @dumplingmenace-1 17h a there was a white guy on a motorcycle blasting MY NECK MY BACK driving around the lake and when some older white guy gestured for him to turn it down he turned it off and started to get off his motorcycle and said do you wanna get beat up?? 17 363 10K del 111K
Melissa Perri @lissijean 4h Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there's a ton of room. Her husband to the stewardess: you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta Stewardess: You should have kept in touch. 438 2,911 64.5K 1.1M
J. @SingularJem- 1h Being a consultant would be fun. Like hmmm... maybe! Here's your invoice. 6 425 5,977 del 89.7K
reb @rebmasel. 1d ... If I'm ever murdered just know I ran my mouth to the bitter end + 26 4,195 20.2K 771K
violet ٨ ٨ @swagjesusfan - 1 1d told this customer how much his total ... - KACT NEW - was and he told me that he can read 131 1,056 48.3K del 648K
Chis @turbochis 7h ... stella barey @bareybaby My lifelong dream of double penetration is being realized tomorrow 1:50 PM 2023-02-28 9,314 Views 165 Likes 8 Retweets 1 Quote Aldo Litch @AldoLitch-48m Sadly mine of universal healthcare seems further and further away. Good luck on the dp. 6 del 244 60 4,586 70.2K 1.4M
Nick Watts OW Km @NICKWATTS_.1d... Need a new dining table for my apartment. Might fuck around and get the og. Pregames would go so hard with one of these. Rectangle Mobile Cafeteria Table with Stools-Light Gray Color: Light Gray Additional Information Pricing Description $2,025 / Price Each Subtotal: $2,025.00 Add to Cart 51 1,046 37.3K 1.4M
Paris @goodyhilton 21h ... Two exedrin a celcius and a handful of dog food let's hit the gym fellas LEMON LIME CELSIUS. LIVE FIT SPARKLING LEMON LIME BURNS ESSENTIAL BODY ENERGY FAT MRG - 50 1,971 24.6K 950K
Big Tucson Dad @BigTucsonDad.1d ... Forgive me father Sin Domino's 3 39 2,152 115K
Martin Lawrence @realmarty... 1d ... @Notdojaaa.2d Okay we get it. x.com/freauxmama/ sta... XOXO @freauxmama·1 10/29/22 Martin Ü UberFacts @UberF... 10/28/22 Whats the most overrated sitcom of all time: 39 25 55 XOXO @freauxmama·1 1/28/22 Martin show was just unfunny to me lol 23 36 24 del XOXO @freauxmama 7/17/23 Family Matters was probably the worst show ever made besides Martin.. Not up for debate 72 170 64 95K XOXO @freauxmama-9/29/23 I swear it's like a crime in the black community to admit Martin was + overhyped and corny 490 1,910 16.8K 1M
Connie @ConchiclatorS.1 1d Lawrence of Arabia (1962) chethanx ... Great Pyramids of Giza, Cairo, Egypt 43 1,328 24.7K 807K
Josh Gondelman @joshgondel...• 1d ... You can't trick me into thinking summer's almost over. That's only true for kids and teachers and I'm not either of those things anymore. 52 2,773 34.1K 573K
octopus/caveman @octopusca... 1d ... Girls named Andrea are always like actually it's pronounced Andrea 131 2,088 29.3K del 1.2M
CIA pierce @cringe_genius 1d ... New slang for an hour: monkey's minute. l'll be there in a monkey's minute (hour). 47 1,256 21K 592K
a. @artashisdreams.1 1d ... kitty @bloodmoonkat.2d i need an unemployed bf and a salaried bf so the unemployed one can entertain me while the other one works 52 7,411 98.6K 2.4M
Mervin @holeliker 1d ... imagine being a bunny like pass the salt lick bro and damn these pellets fire today or like im off the damn carrot rn 15 522 5,491 del 124K
Keiran @KUWKJM . 1d I'm not falling for that DE 1m ago Grindr Hypnotist sent you a picture 1m ago Grindr Hypnotist : hey, how are you? 6 67 2,236 70.8K
d @filmvirgo 1d lingmar bergman being a satc fan They also knew how to make the television shows he liked. Bergman was a fan of the Muppets, particularly the out-of-control drummer, Animal, and rarely missed an episode of Sex and the City. The women are beautiful, and they talk dirty, he told Linn. Do you talk that way with your girlfriends? Populism Updates @Popul... 4d What are the craziest two people/ things to coexist at the same time in history? 28 1,157 9,752 550K
anica PAX West @anicacihla 1d ... SOON DIG THROUGH THE DITCHES AND BURN THROUGH THE WITCHES I SLAM IN THE BACK OF MY DRAGULA 63 8,525 42.2K 924K
robin @birdwarehouse_ 1d so there is a rock on the side of a highway here that is always getting painted to accentuate its nipple-like qualities (and then some loser will come paint it back to its natural color) but someone has now given it a nipple ring 11 586 10K 101K
Garou @Paridisimo.1 1d ... TEST ipst - Administry be - .. I hate when bartenders try to lookout for u and pour u a crazy big shot like I appreciate it but take some of this back shorty I'm trying to have a good time not frow up in front of the bitches 66 4,033 48.5K del 1.1M
Abi Slade @abi_slade 1d ... when a stranger on the train says to you is this the train to ' and you say i hope so and then you both laugh peak life moment 40 3,145 78.6K del 1.1M
COOLEE BRAVO @ItalianFi... 1d ... Dats why ppl was randomly throwin up in kindergarten alisha @thealishaj 1d Being a kid is insane... eating cheese pizza and washing it down with WHOLE MILK?? 83 5,464 60.5K 1.5M
millie @ceramicdeer . 1d porbaly a while Weed Porn @WeedPorns.1 1d How long would all of these last you? How long is this lasting you? 25 1,918 47.4K 1.1M
Janice Films @stephk_davis 23h  i'm not a parfect porson 10 1,314 16.4K del 591K
@vt1nz .1d oily footjob pls Е. @edbankzz the customer is always WRONG.. suck my dick, you dont know shit ..i work here, not you 8:54 AM 10/6/17 Twitter for iPhone 25 3,973 33.2K del 566K
depths of wikipedia @depthsof... 1d ... WIKIPEDIA The They Murder Kroger From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Murder Kroger is the nickname of a Kroger supermarket in Atlanta which has been the scene of two fatal shootings and the discovery of a corpse. Even though the original store was demolished in 2016 and an entirely new store within a larger mixed-use development called 725 Ponce opened in 2019, Murder Kroger continued to be described as a nickname that just won't die  93 910 8,428 392K
zak @zakareeee. 1d but who's going to deliver you from the spirit of whatever this was Nikki Shange @NikkiShangee When I finally leave this world and enter The Kingdom of God the first thing i will do is kneel before him and let his holy penis fill my mouth. I am saving myself for him. 9:38 AM Aug 8, 2019 from Durban, South Africa. Twitter for iPhone Nikki Shange @NikkiShang... 4d I am seeing so many testimonies on TikTok of people being delivered from the spirit of homosexuality. What a beautiful sight. The Holy Spi... 451 6,721 56.1K 2.3M
Joshua Anansi @JoshuAnansi• 1d ... Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, Oh, I would just kill myself. 192 3,481 73.7K del 1.8M
@metaangelI 21h ... i randomly think about this and laugh by myself like a crazy person Cardi в @iamcardib | Hurd i was Cancel 23 1,295 14.5K 241K
Matty @bestestname .1d ... Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again The Fashion Industry: No. 276 3,689 69.4K del 1.1M
Yoda Nobunaga @yoda_nobuna... 1d ... I saw an incredible cultural artifact today DODGE BURNSVILLE MOTORS 952-808-0031 www.SunnsilleMotors.com S Condi'08 22 102 1,947 41.6K
@Stonedw... 16h ... stoned wifeyy I recently taught my kiddo how to make my iced coffee bc she loves to be involved- it's always made so well & the other day something just felt off- this morning she made my coffee & while she was doing the espresso she said sometimes you need extra energy.. so I do 4 scoops 71 1,660 76.6K del 1M
octopus/caveman @octopusc... 18h ... Can't believe they made a statue to commemorate that time I got kicked out of Chuck Е. Cheese's 93 772 9,500 457K

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