52 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of August 5, 2024

It was probably worth it
52 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of August 5, 2024

Last week brought with it a new month and a slew of new news. 

When Kamala Harris chose Tim Walz as her running mate, everyone asked the first logical question that came to mind: Who will play him on Saturday Night Live? Several people pointed out the visual similarities between the Minnesota governor and Steve Martin, but when Lorne Michaels offered the role to the Only Murders star, he politely declined, saying that he’s “not an impressionist.” Speaking of SNL, Jason Reitman’s Saturday Night trailer gave audiences a first look at the show’s origin story. Meanwhile, Seth MacFarlane and Liam Neeson are set to reboot The Naked Gun, but an insider who has read the script is calling it an “appallingly unoriginal” carbon copy of the first film.  

Seth Meyers also took a trip down memory lane this past week. On a new episode of The Lonely Island & Seth Meyers Podcast, Meyers shared that when Peyton Manning hosted SNL in early 2007, the Super Bowl-winning quarterback approached the comedian about adding in a last-minute joke about Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. The Colts Hall of Famer didn’t end up including the joke in his opening monologue, but Meyers said that it was a “soft burn” that wouldn’t have raised a single eyebrow at The Roast of Tom Brady.

August also started off with a bang in the tweet department. This week’s funniest included those about an Olympic morning routine, a film doing some handy work and your average late-night gas station line.

Popeyes spokesman @Lilk... 21h ... I spotted a dude in the gym while he benched like 310 and once he was done I hit him with the signature good shit bro I'm trying to get like you.....dude said Don't be like me bro, I'm on steroids. ..... shit got awkward because I didn't know what to say to that 230 1,932 21.6K del 705K
Jenn @JuniperFolly.1 1d Kamala Harris: daisy dan goose tackett 1d personalized lingerie that says doug wearing his name to surprise him >> DULCE STORE PARIS 4 338 12.5K 476K
BUNTUBADU @boontu_mkize 1d ... god sacrificed his only son. trust me bro, he is fine with abortions 685 12.2K 72.1K 4.2M
sarah @sablaah 16h ... why did they have my grandpa's basketball team posing like that 22 19 43 1,052 26.9K
Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969-1d ... squirrel: *points gun* me: what do you want me to do? squirrel: *gestures at sign* me: alright, i get it *opens book drop* squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion* me: NOT A SQUIRREL! LIBRARY RETURN NOTICE Please yell NOT A SQUIRREL when opening book drop so we know you are a human and not a squirrel trying to steal Keith's lunch 9 94 477 11.5K
JOAN OF ART @umcornell 19h ... when the bouncer is asking to search 134 - and inside my bag but i have a bag of weed and a switch blade at the bottom cg 0:03 From reaction encyclopedia 29 2,947 35K 693K
schizophrenic shapeshifter @u... 1d ... tramp stamp idea Neutralious @Neutralious 2d IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU'RE IN RANGE OF THE ANOMALY ALT 2 4,892 53.2K 1M
LLCOOLJ @llcoolj 15h ... Don't call it that. Merriam Websern Merriam-Webster @Me... .2 21h come back | verb | to recover from a deficit in a contest or competition 307 6,343 38K 2.1M
Christopher Hooks @cd_hooks.20h ... It's been two years and one week and the boys are still debating what happened to me on this night Today, 2:21 AM Thanks for riding with us © OpenStreetMap Park Slope Crown Heig 27 th Slope Brooklyn Your Trip Start Lincoln PI & Classon Ave 2:21 AM End Prospect Ave & Greenwood Ave 3:47 AM 84 752 44.1K 1.5M
Meg @megannn_lynne 1d ... Do you want to sleepover? Ummm sure I'll just have to bring my Melatonin, my electric blanket, my Hello Kitty Build-A- Bear, the special Caramel Coffee K-Pods I like in the morn-oh you don't have? Okay I'll bring my Keurig too-also we need to watch Bones, from the episode I'm on 36 1,056 11.8K 256K
feral abomination @HEXGIRL... 21h ... me when I see another alt girl at the thrift store: it's a shame we met on the battlefield and not in the pub 2 1,291 24K 347K
kunt @kuntfetish23h ... I l lost my vibrator istg I woulda rather lost my fucking birth certificate omg 247 2,451 23.8K del 744K
Sammy Samuel Mowrey @s... 21h ... Just thought you should know I woke from a dead sleep to write this note in my phone: 12:25 < All iCloud ... Gender neutral terms for anatomy Penix 17 92 2,223 51.9K
media from the camera roll of... 1d ... Jack @realNerdTable 13h ... Bro definitely uses pronouns 24 5 177 38K R @STOLENCCHANEL 13h everybody uses pronouns... 3 6 2,128 del 12K Stoodarion- bruh @stoodarion Speak for self cause dont 21 1,899 33K 367K
Haus of Decline @hausofdecline.2 2h ... Got misgendered at the pharmacy and I couldn't even get mad because Here's your estrogen, sir is one of the funniest things that someone has ever said to me 117 4,337 85.1K del 864K
Vince Mancini @VinceMancini-2 23h ... My son said he wanted to watch Paddington because Cocomelon died. I wasn't there when my wife told him this so I just nodded. 24 99 5,452 130K
yung zoë @yungkitty404. 1d ... We have to protect the right to be goth DOB BBC News (World) 000 NEWS NEWS WORLD 5 @... 1d Texas school bans all-black outfits, citing 'mental health' bbc.in/3WT191f 46 4,521 47.5K del 1M
tatyana @tatbaee.21h : real how are you mentally 1 Reply 4 921 5,193 148K
@cosplayadore 1d dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love 137 10.4K 87.5K del 1.9M
annabella @toebruises. 4h Post miki @mikugly nothing gets white people more excited than a presidential candidate impersonation on SNL they be geeked as hell 2:43 PM 9/29/19 لدار View analytics 2.5K Reposts 129 Quotes 22K Likes 133 Bookmarks Abby Barr @1AbbyRoad 5h so Steve Martin is definitely gonna play Walz on SNL right 11 1,053 16.1K 406K
rajma chawal haver @prath4m 5d ... today marks the 4 year anninversary of wikipedia banning me from editing pages cause i ikept altering info to win arguments 103 1,525 25.4K 376K
Nathan Strauss @NathanPStr... 12h ... Kevin Durant waking up at 5 am from one of the most beautiful cities on Earth to hate tweet. A simply generational hater. We've never seen anything like this and we never will again Kevin Durant BOARDROOM @KDTr... 12h Replying to @SwipaCam Where u from?? 27 1,357 21.6K 1M
Lance @BornAKang1 1d ... Gas station lines at 2 am: 82 3.1K 17K 647K
Alek @trailtexxt. 1d ... Hideo Kojima when Dominic Fike cheated: @keatonmerr Scott НЕ DID IT AGAIN HUH? hunter schafer gallery. @schaferfiles. 1d hunter schafer talks about dominic fike cheating on her and how she don't want the public into her business for HER DAD privacy. ... 2:19 2.3K 42K 41 1.2M
Louise @Selkies_.22h Oh god I'm in trouble Louise @Selkies_ 7/26/24 Very obsessed with the WIDE stance she does when she's annoyed at me 60 6.1K 76K 1.4M
shiv @canuplaylevels 1d Me tryna to convince my friends to smoke a cig W me outside Listen, I want you to do Let's let's do this together. this with me. 36 1.4K 16K 732K
sarah 365 @wildheartsarah - 1d ... for the what tour ??? Is anybody selling 2 standing tickets for Sabrina Carpenter sweet n sour tour ? Either date is fine. MANCHESTER Like Comment Send Share 27 81 391 24K 586K
chloe payapa @payapaberii - 1d going to try using a speed run splitter for my morning routine to get myself to actually get out of bed on time Teeth brushed Hair washed Face washed Clothes on Hair dried Out of bed 0.0 PB 150 900K 3K 45K
Sam Winkler @ThatSamWinkler. 1d epic fights that what Atom @theatomreview 1d #BorderlandsMovie REVIEW: Hilariously wild & so action-packed! CHAOS REIGNS with this company of fun, engaging characters. Epic fights that jerk you off into high gear. Not just another adaptation, it's one of the BEST video game movies ever! A fitting end setting up what's next. BORDERLANDS THE MOVIE 38 13K 1.3K 523K
bailey with a W @baileywithaw.1d ... no im okay See a 3D octopus in your room with the Google app G View in 3D 276 9.4K 119K 2.3M
the killer @deadbodyonline 19h ... evil toddler: flo willie @NOCHILLWILL.19h I hate ups bad 11 348 4.3K 108K
Gavin @PrimaryCinema 1d Me talking about The Simpsons' opening credits: madeline odent @oldenoughtosay 1d I don't say this lightly but whoever it was made the initial couch joke has quite possibly changed the course of American history 4 539 6.8K 148K
Michael Kandel @K_A_N_D_E_L.2 22h white boy GETS BY in chinese restaurant by POINTING at menu item until waiter NODS 31 2.7K 57K 965K
vanna eat cardboard with her FiLM DENT 1M M S RESENTS is The Wallis 27K FiLM 552 HFPA @elioperlmanstan.6 6/21/24 I accidentally printed this at my work and my boss saw it bruh 56 btw not only did i get fired but banned from the store @elioperlmanstan 1 19h
cage @ihatecage.23h yolo SOAT brat summer but i turn 26 tomorrow so i'm getting kicked off my health parents insurance plan 220 5.3K 131K 4
mia @sunnybuffay 20h me after I beg my friends to take a picture of me 1 146K 674 8.9K
20h @noorullaiin . ن ... completely valid, understandable, and beautiful response. 23m ago Replied to your story: MEEEEEEEOO000000oowwwwwwwww 23m ago Replied to your story: Hi hot hello how are you married please kill me 16 1.8K 18K 372K
Cameron Arcand @cameron_arcand-1d ... Ah yes the two party system REI Bass co·op Pro Shops Outdoor World ALL OUTDOOR STORES REDHEA THE GRANDADOY OF 228 2.8K 59K 2.5M
Caroline @weirdassfishes 1d ... He's always doing some shit 126 5,350 78.7K 1.2M
duck @imdrinkinwine. dd hey do you want to start a business together? i have no work ethic and i might kill myself. anyway let me know 96 6,623 61.6K del 7.4M
Hit Factory Podcast @HitFac... 49m ... Hit Factory incredible breakup fit. Page Six Page Six NEW @PageSix 58m Ben Affleck debuts faux-hawk haircut as managers reportedly work on divorce trib.al/VN5RaPv CH CH PE РЕ 24 327 7,092 188K
seb @lovesickseba 1d .. when a customer gets mad at you so they try to scare you by asking you what your name is............ 319 4,288 83.3K del 2.2M
Annalise Keating @Ariannnyy_ 18h ... So yeah that's insane Replied to your story Hey girl so I've been using your photos catfishing people on a dating app and I agreed to a date next week can you go not sure if your on the date please boyfriend will be upset but please help a girl out 551 2,835 83.2K 2.1M
baby shiner @demofromny. 17h ... Whoever lost their iPhone 15 at walmart PLEASE stop callin my new phone fr 688 2,323 30.1K del 833K

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DatNoFact 7 (@datnofact.bs... 21h ... KEEP STOP hello I'm new to the stock market is it good when the intel ceo starts praying Pat Gelsinger intel @PGels... 1d Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways Proverbs 4:25-26 217 11K 103K 5.9M
@thechosenberg 2d rosey ... Incredible things happening in the Pacific Northwest r/Seattle u/M1CR0PL4ST1CS 34d Looking for a nemesis Question I (34M) am looking for a nemesis in the Seattle area. (I would also be OK with an arch-enemy or contentious rivalry.) Activities would primarily include antagonizing one another, scheming/ plotting against one another, etc. Let me know if interested! 87 1,732 25.7K 901K
Meg @megannn_lynne 19h Taco Bell isn't even good Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone 93 8.1K 66K 1.8M
Heather @heatherjs• 1d There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second. 11 1,717 18.6K 378K
yalitza apariciosus @duneville.... 1d ... poop dethrones shit FILM UPOATES Film Updates @FilmU... . 1d. 'IT ENDS WITH US' starring Blake Lively could potentially dethrone 'DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE' starring Ryan Reynolds from the #1 spot at the box-office next weekend, based on presales. 1 74 2,265 66.6K
Poor Lawyer @poorlawyer 3h ... Me reaching for the iPhone cord while still sitting on the couch: 24 11 391 12K del 214K
derek guy @dieworkwear 14h ... Replying to @dieworkwear so the falcon was sitting with a dead bear in your car while you were getting lunch at peter lugers? 36 191 3,463 161K
i can be your long lost pal @P....2 21h ... WU 6 Western Union DENVER kanoa @ih4tedrugs.5 5d accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life 5 198 2,960 183K

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