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Take it easy, Lisa Simpson

31 Fictional Patriots Who Need to Take It Down a Notch

July 17, 2024

From Selina Meyer to Richard Nixon, these folks need to get a hobby.

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Patriotic Superheroes American Barbarian is a flag-themed He-Man. Meric (as in America) is a muscle-bound brute with red, white, and blue hair that fights zombies, mutants, and robotic dinosaurs in a post- apocalyptic New Earthea. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes ATURE CC U.S. Jones is actually named U.S. Jones. Jones is a professional baseball pitcher (the most American job ever) injected with a virus (yikes) to create a race of wondermen (double yikes) to fight in World War II and end domestic crime. SS Like an av angel, U. S. plummeted midst of the CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I AIM TA DO... ...BY KICKIN' YER SORRY ASS ALI THE WAY TA PRISON! Uncle Sam is some kind of... patriotic demon? Uncle Sam is a mythical being created by the Founding Fathers during an occult ritual. At one point he was bound to a talisman, and would take physical form by possessing a dying patriot. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes Superpatriot had it rough. Unlike other World War II heroes, John Quincy Armstrong was used as a guinea pig by the Nazis, not the U.S. government. As he kept superheroing after the war, he got chomped up by a shark man and turned into a cyborg. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes US 7 HITLER CIAL Fascists fear the Fighting Yank! Grandson of a superhero who helped America's Founding Fathers, Bruce Carter dons a cloak that gives him the strength to bend steel and punch really, really hard. Не uses this power to punch out Nazi spies, because Fighting Yank wasn't a term for violent masturbation back in 1941. CRACKED CON — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes DC MARVEL Miss America So patriotic, both Marvel and DC have one. DC's version of Miss America got her powers after dreaming of the spirit of Lady Liberty, while the Marvel version was struck by lightning during a lab accident. The DC version got the better deal. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes Liberty Belle will ring-a-ding every anti-American baddie. While she was later retconned and modernized, the original Liberty Belle got her super powers from the spirit of America after the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia was rung. Comic books, y'all. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes American Maid is the parody we all needed. Created for the animated The Tick, American Maid is the perfect marriage of Captain America and Wonder Woman. As the only competent hero in The City, her prowess at throwing her high heels is silly but deadly. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes Yankee Poodle went to town, a-chewing on a bone-y. The patriotic pup is able to repel objects with her magnetic stars, while attracting other objects with magnetic stripes. She' essentially Captain America with Magneto powers - in poodle form. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes Mister America is Indiana Jones with a mask and cape. Mister America (A.K.A Americommando) is just a dude named Тех Thompson who beats up Nazis with a bullwhip. Except that his sidekick isn't named Short Round but, uh, Fatman. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes Don't mess with the Force of July. A secret American government super team fighting not just villains, but anyone against America's best interests in gritty fashion. There's a reason many of them end up on the Suicide Squad. EEDS BUT YOU'RE FINISHED, ANY LAS S TRAITORS --YOU CAN TAKE O EN THAT FROM MAJOR VICTORY AND THE FORCE OF JULY! TY CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes American Eagle (the Indigenous hero, not the clothing line). Navajo Jason Strongbow was blasted with sonic energy by Ulysses Klaw. That combined with the uranium within his tribe's holy mountain to grant Jason superhuman powers (and caused his crossbow to fire energy bolts, for some reason). CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes A U.S.Avengers assemble! The U.S. government put together Citizen V, Cannonball, Squirrel Girl, Red Hulk, Enigma, and Iron Patriot into their own Avengers team. The oddly Captain America-less team lasted about a year. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes The Shield might need a copyright lawyer. The Shield got his superpowers from a special formula, fought Nazis, and had a bulletproof star-spangled shield on his body-in 1940, a year before Captain America's debut. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Patriotic Superheroes BLICATION N Minute-Man has the power of owning a star-spangled shirt. Jack Weston is an Army private sent on unsanctioned missions by the U.S. government while wearing a long-sleeved polo shirt with Old Glory on it. At least Captain America has powers (and is a captain). CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents The West Wing PRESIDENT Josiah Jed Bartlet Bartlet was only supposed to appear occasionally, with the show focusing on the president's staff. However, Martin Sheen was so good at the role that it was expanded. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents Independence Day PRESIDENT Thomas J. Whitmore The iconic speech (which was supposed to be a placeholder) was partly lifted from the St. Crispin's Day speech in William Shakespeare's Henry V. Hey, if it works, it works. CRACKED.COM — Source

14

Fictional Presidents PRESIDENT Frisky Dingo Taqu'il The rapper who becomes president of the United States is voiced by Run the Jewels' Killer Mike, who has gone on to become a political voice for social democratic causes. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents PRESIDENT 24 David Palmer The show went through 11 presidents, with Palmer being the only one who served his full term. The others were removed for various reasons (usually murdery ones). CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents Dr. Strangelove PRESIDENT Merkin Muffley Peter Sellers originally played the president as having a cold, but all his wheezing, sneezing, and whimpering was too funny and the other actors kept cracking up, so that was scrapped. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents PRESIDENT Veep Selina Meyer Armand lannucci created Veep's predecessor The Thick of It after reading a Lyndon Johnson biography, intrigued by Johnson suddenly given power when he went from VP to President. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents Y: The Last Man PRESIDENT Jennifer Brown The show follows a global pandemic that kills half the world's population-and it began production during the COVID-19 pandemic. It's one of several factors that caused the show's cancellation. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents FAMERICA OF STATES UNITED PRESIDENT Mays Gilliam Head of State If you look closely during Gilliam's speech at the Player's Party, you can see an extra behind him mouthing all of his lines. Perhaps that's his speech writer? CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents PRESIDENT James Marshall Air Force One Following Waterworld, Kevin Costner was offered the role, but recommended Harrison Ford so he could do The Postman. Yup, Costner kept making great career choices at the time. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents PRESIDENT The Simpsons Lisa Simpson The episode Bart to the Future didn't just predict that Donald Trump would be president, but Lisa's outfit resembles what Kamala Harris wore to her VP inauguration. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents - - - - - US ARMY - - I - - PRESIDENT Metal Gear George Sears Solidus Snake could not be president in real life-not because he is slotted in by a clandestine group, but because he took office at age 28, while you have to be at leat 35 to run. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents THB motor I PER UHM EX PRESIDENT Idiocracy Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho Terry Crews auditioned five times to get the role, and nailed every audition. It got to a point where he said, Dude, if you find somebody better, just give it to him. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents SWEET KEITH'S PRESIDENT South Park Herbert Garrison The writing team struggled to come up with jokes that topped Donald Trump's real words and actions. As show co-creator Trey Parker put it, satire has become reality. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents PRESIDENT Mars Attacks! James Dale Warren Beatty was considered for the role before Jack Nicholson got into the picture. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents PRESIDENT Futurama Richard M. Nixon('s head) The Nixon Library was unhappy about the former president's villainous portrayal, and wrote to the show about it. Years later, they asked if they could use Futurama's version for a Nixon in pop culture exhibit. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Fictional Presidents PRESIDENT Mackenzie Allen Geena Davis and show creator Rod Lurie got wind of the show's cancellation mere minutes after Davis accepted an award for playing the first female president of the U.S. Commander in Chief CRACKED.COM — Source

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