35 of the Funniest Tweets from Tuesday, May 28, 2024

A for effort, though
35 of the Funniest Tweets from Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Hollywood can’t stop trying to recreate the record-breaking box-office numbers of Barbenheimer — to ever-diminishing results. While most of the pairings have been jokes (like Saw X and Paw Patrol’s simultaneous “Saw Patrol” release), theater chains had high hopes for the ticket sales of two tentpole franchises: Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga and The Garfield Movie. And Garfiosa did break a couple records, but not in the way the studios had hoped. Anya Taylor-Joy’s and Chris Pratt’s respective star vehicles generated just $56 million combined, resulting in a historic low for Memorial Day weekend openings. 

That said, the news isn’t entirely bleak. The Fury Road prequel may have stumbled across the finish line, but it still marked a first for the Mad Max franchise: the film gave George Miller and his apocalyptic wasteland the franchise’s first #1 debutFury Road came close, but it was topped by Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson and the Barden Bellas of Pitch Perfect 2

Instead of going to the movies, it seems like people spent their holiday weekend firing off funny tweets. Today’s funniest include those about the season of Nomi Malone’s leg, the most useful utensil and a man who takes his memberships very seriously.

@Guiness_Pig. 1d ... My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he'd call it gone-a- rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken. 83 4,871 84.9K del 1.8M
mads @madsagascar. dd ... Supreme Cancer Energy 1d Crazy as hell I cant get a new liver bc I drink? healthcare system just pure trash x.com/smoke_nd_pearl... 40 3,612 27.4K 1.1M
miss behavior @traff1c_junky- 1d ... explained to my uncle that gay people are just as complex as straight people and he then told me he had a crush on a lot of boys on his basketball team in high school but chooses his wife every day 131 3,287 101K 2.2M
@xtyna_.23h ... my brother lost the costco membership in his divorce and had to get a new membership and is currently presenting paperwork to the costco people to prove he's been a member since before may 2024 because he wants his true membership tenure on his card 213 3,059 90.4K del 2.9M
no name @pradaice 1d ... Trying to look for a new therapist and this list is killing me Expertise Anger Management Anxiety Bipolar Disorder Bisexual Borderline Personality (BPD) 158 3,106 50K 1.7M
calico nick @Nick_Cerveza 1d (in a voice that suggests i i just outsmarted you) would an alcoholic smoke weed? 12 355 5,642 188K
claiborne @hatecoleslaw 21h edited by marta why wen u say ihad a dream about u ppl always assume sexual shit .no bitch You fought well but died by my sword 116 20.8K 174K 5.1M
alex @perfectllover. 1 1d ... i've been on this app for 5 mins girl bye LGDIGT rights My bio NO CIS MEN I'm a NB trans person. (AMAB) I love cars. I have my own place and have 2 cats. I want a LTR but need to start backwards. I can't open up emotionally until after being physical with someone. so hookups and FWB to start. snap e I'm a top. can't wear condoms due to medical issue. 244 1,339 33.3K 2M
Patrick Monahan @pattymo. 1d Ejected from bottomless brunch for a simple dress code mixup 22 1,090 27.5K 1.8M
@cardamomkiss• 1d When you leave the used knife out balanced on top of something in case you want to make a second sandwich later. The Glutton's Utensil 6 327 5,694 del 110K
Matty @bestestname. 1d ... We just need to invent a straw that lasts a little bit longer than 4 seconds but still less than a million years 214 5,264 115K 3M
neyland O misses hozier @ilo... . 19h ... he's just like me Hozier ... 5.5K Likes Posts Replies Media Likes someone @majorbae 9/26/19 I suck at sexting... I be like is that so? 37 2,749 44.7K del 1M
game ideas company llc @bo... 17h ... !! Tornado warning !! But it will not touch you as long as you've never done anything evil 7 210 1,836 49.7K
swamp baby @castinemach... - 1d ... i like how their stupid fucking glasses match their stupid fucking head shapes soul nate @MNateSh... 4/19/23  hey honey, where are my fucking dork glasses? The Telegraph telegraph.co.uk Meet the 'elite' couples breeding to save mankind 69 3,233 74.7K 1.2M
L.L. Human Clickbait @human... 15h ... Girl that's a colostomy bag grac @gracefurby.2 21h I got my capri sun carabiner cold brew and I look cool as fuck forget what I said x.com/gracefurby/sta... 60 4,534 86.4K 1.8M
noelle @tumblebrutus_ 1d ... this is so weird like they' 're just explaining how to shop yet im confused LOVE IT? it's yours! TAKE ANY ITEM TO CHECKOUT OR ASK AN ASSOCIATE FOR ASSISTANCE 84 905 46.8K 2.7M
tractor @nudeobama. 1d ... Having a 9-5 and being nearly 30 means the only things I do for fun on the weekend are give myself diarrhea or get so high I pass out for 14 hours 62 2,105 26K del 1.1M
SLUG @generalslug 13h credit to romania for being the only country with government programs to support a fatter-assed citizenry Fascinating @fasc1nate.13h In Cluj, Romania, you can pay for your bus ticket by doing 20 squats. Disabled and elderly people get to ride for free. 6 BILETUL DE B I per SUD FOR DESNG de ENEAZÃ-TE CU FESTIVAL! ZAZA-TE CO FESTIVAL! CHIPA WITH RTIV MA SPORTS грив REMANIAL BILITUL CELU DESANATATE ORAS DIN 71 8,043 103K 3.3M
же @bugdo11.2d GOD ENTEREDMY BODY AS A BOD MYSAMESEZE 1994 Dodge Grand Caravan Minivan $2,500 Listed about a day ago Indianapolis, IN skin destroyer @gloomingly.6d Can you show me a beautiful image that will change my life 22 956 11K 530K
Bob @hoopgoth. 1d ... Why does it look like Barney is about to be assassinated 147 4,785 84K 3.4M
Zoey | Child of Magic @Child0f... 1d ... STOP THE BUS!!!!!!! Stopping 4 Raw Dykes Road 12 34 arriva 17:23 Domestic R STOP Freemens C Wholes Serv y 79 8,129 73.8K 1.6M
beer person @CantEverDie.9h tractor @nudeobama a.23h Having a 9-5 and being nearly 30 means the only things I do for fun on the weekend are give myself diarrhea or get so high I pass out for 14 hours 44 1.7K 21K del 921K Antti Boman @lostchimp69420.13h Or you know have kids 1 3 15K tractor @nudeobama 10h I don't have any room in my schedule for kids because I have to get high or get diarrhea all the time 1 16 602 13K 22 422 6,134 137K
she her @roramdin 1d ... I think there's an argument for this being the greatest tweet of all time brent @murrman5 no rapping tonight why? you rap about patrick swayze everytime, it's embarrassing ok  uh oh y'all it's gettin kinda hazy 10:38 14/01/2015 from Earth 34 2,441 44.9K 1M
David Grossman @davidgross... 14h ... le's Okay but what does Ferb say POP CRAVE Pop Crave @PopCrave. 19h Finneas reacts to Pitchfork's 6.8 review of 'HIT ME HARD AND SOFT': Nothing cool about writing a positive review of an album everyone likes - they've gotta have an angle. They gave 'Born To Die' a 5.5 - it's their whole hater-ass bag. 15 300 10.6K 221K
heavy rain and thunder soun... 17h ... legalarson Follow ... Jan 10 hey. im one of the people who does a specific and noticable thing right after you wake up so you realize youre in a timeloop. yeah im the guy who drops a bucket of paint off a ladder haha. yeah its a thankless job but i get paid per loop so like. dont learn your lesson too quick haha 13 3,954 45.6K 762K
Ben Crew @BenjaminCrew1.2 23h ... Forensic Artist: Here's that sketch of the Unabomber, cool as fuck just like you asked. FBI: What? 12:00 22 333 7,380 203K
Chief Mackenzie Bock @Goth... 22h ... Mad Max: Murphy Road Lumpy @LumpyTheCook-6d Imagine a Mad Max war convoy with this in it 43 3,054 31.4K 1.3M
sockdem @sock_dem. 1d ... im gonna be honest i havent gotten a single match since i came home... i'm so cooked What if I told you that I was a squire in a past life I love squires with they acorn 3 Send Like 29 1,199 35.8K 838K
@Derekalexan... : 3h Big Choctaw ... At work about to scream out.. LORD, NOT MY UNCLE SO I can go home.. 200 2,078 7,415 378K
brent @murrman5 1d ...  he always wore the clothes he never let the clothes wear him 6 511 9,573 541K
Mark Sundstrom @106th - 10h ... You know it's summer when this is how you sleep under the sheet LEAVE YOUR INHIBITIONS AT THE DOOR... PAU VERHOEVEN GIRLS SHOW THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO BEGIN. LLECTOR.COM 14 366 5,036 156K
the human sadiepede 2 @hell_... 1d ... it's important to have that one friend you can really just go insane to. really just full tilt crazy and they are like yeah 272 7,888 53.1K 2.1M
(in)correct the bear @incorrect... . 1d ... Sydney Adamu @sydadamu When he listens to you 04:00 PM 27 May 24 6,425 Retweet 57 Quote Tweets 8,555 Likes Natalie Berzatto @sugarberzatto . 5m Replying to @sydadamu What does Brazil have to do with this?? 2 12 288 del Sydney Adamu @sydadamu.2m Replying to @sugarberzatto I couldn't find a green flag ALT 43 30 1,178 239 14.5K 146K 2.6M
Ryan Bernardoni @dangercart.3h ... Because it has fewer calories and a lower alcohol content than traditional Budweiser j @lockedupjb - 11h Why is Al Horfords kid drinking a bud light - 0.0 BOSTO AIS a LIGHT i I 7 396 11.6K 762K


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