31 of the Funniest Tweets from Thursday, May 23, 2024

If it doesn’t look good, she can just stay 25
31 of the Funniest Tweets from Thursday, May 23, 2024

The latest installment of Deadpool is on pace to slice up the competition. AMC Theatres CEO Adam Aron tweeted out that upwards of “200,000 movie fans have bought their AMC tickets already” and said that it sold more opening-day tickets at AMC “than any other R-rated movie ever.” Similarly, online ticketing service Fandango announced that Deadpool & Wolverine broke its first-day ticket sales record for the year. Neither company gave actual monetary figures, but data nerds estimated presales being within the $8 million to $9 million range and box-office experts expect the movie to easily sail to a $100 million debut.

Speaking of foul mouths, Michael Richards insists that he’s not a racist. After making a rare public appearance at the Hollywood premiere of Unfrosted, the Seinfeld actor is back out there promoting his new memoir Entrances and Exits. The Emmy-winning comedian told People Magazine that he’s “not looking for a comeback” and that he’s spent the nearly two decades since he tanked his career by screaming the N word at a heckler during a stand-up set at the Laugh Factory doing “deep analysis” on himself to figure out what made him hurl such awful slurs.

Meanwhile, the comedians on the timeline are on their best behavior, and the output is glorious. Today’s funniest tweets include those about the difference between a show and a concert, what $6 gets you at Five Guys and an incredibly accurate Subway meme.

Trey @treydayway 21h ... One of the hardest things to do as an adult is to go back to work after a lunch break 58 1,511 13K 408K
uncle roy @Old_Orleans 1d ... Veneers look like they're supposed to be called teef 63 4,532 35.1K 967K
sab @sabbyku . 1d ... she's real 7:48 now mom Nite I'm drugging myself and going to bed 14 1,628 25.1K 489K
@CanPanicNow 2d A great way to get free legal help is to post a blatantly wrong legal take. Lawyers will work for FREE to correct someone. Then they'll fight amongst themselves. It's just... in our nature. 8 339 3,107 del 129K
Natalie @jbfan911-17h ... Congrats to the girl next to me at the nail salon who just found out her ex was arrested 18 489 17.2K 595K
Arrogant Colored @Arr... 13h ... This is absolutely a classic tweet. cab 12 pastor matt @MonsieurMatt25 The Joker in the Dark Knight woulda had no leverage on me talking bout some Maggie Gyllenhall boy set the block on fire idc 6:32 PM 12/8/20 - Twitter for iPhone 1,488 Retweets 634 Quote Tweets 4,913 Likes 39 3,077 21K 1M
Michael Varrati @MichaelVarrati - 1d ... Me, watching ROCKY HORROR and CLUE back-to-back: adidas Jeff Whitmire @JeffWhitmir... 1d I'm kind of obsessed with curry. 28 1,318 10.6K 415K
squirt kobain @theaprilpapers.1 1d ... can it not simply be but just a feeling opal @oplact2.50m ... guys i think we might be so back 1 1 del 19 spring month first name @squirt... . 45m .. what 1 1 15 opal @oplact2.4m i think we're back 1 1 24 spring month first name @squirtk... 3m okay but why 1 1 3 opal @oplact2 can it not simply be but just a feeling 3:42 PM - 5/21/24 From Earth . 3 Views 4 771 10K 137K
multitude container @bartleb... 22h ... Yes. i love being a pedestrian i loove having the right of way it is like a drug to me 14 1,933 18.4K del 548K
Jo @Goldxn_Violin15h Cheeks out on the Colbert chair is crazy best of anya taylor-joy @... . 17h anya taylor joy going to the late show with stephen colbert L 10 91 5,255 243K
the thicc husband & father @l... 14h ... I want a girl with a short skirt and a... Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJ... 17h looooooooong phone charger x.com/ histoftech/sta... 6 149 2,832 107K
CoKane @KanesCabDriv3r-1 12h ... Girlfriend: I regret getting you that blender for your birthday Me drinking a pop tart: why?? 2 55 1,317 du 115K
mechanical bull @KahlibB_ 23h ... Love when a mama is for all the drama. 4:49 5G 1 M Mother > Come out the closet at the family reunion in June I'll throw my plate like I didn't know 214 6,018 99.7K 1.5M
isabella @scarykneegirl - 1 1d ... i like that my friends are a couple months older than me so they can test out being 26 & let me know if it's something i would be interested in 135 6,793 70.3K 2.3M
Mike Scollins @mikescollins .2h if a beer is 8 bucks it's a show if a beer is 14 bucks it's a concert conor @ConorShack-9h at what point does a show become a concert 20 431 5,596 264K
Kyante Wilson @kyantewils... 1d ... YOU MATCHED WITH ON 5/11/24 Do you do cocaine? I prefer to start my conversations with a hello but maybe I'm old school hello Do you do cocaine? No, but something tells me you do, just a hunch. How bout you ask me before you assume Do you do cocaine Yes 91 1,647 23.4K 1.5M
Meg @megannn_lynne 22h do you know where you parked your car? no. but i know love. and friendship. 48 3,919 28.2K 821K
ji @contrrl .19h The father, the son, and the Holy Spirit ester!!!!!! i REFUSE to believe people do number two EVERY day 4-20 Reply 2,930 View 72 replies amber If I miss a DAY I feel like I'm dying 4-30 Reply 11.1K View 21 replies Lulu Z I go like every 4-6 days 4-29 Reply 5,461 View 44 replies 228 9,099 148K 2.5M
liko e @pradaliko 15h This is how bald people should fight 82 2,548 25.5K 1.2M
Ammnontet! @ammnontet. 2d ... My new meme. Let me know if it's relatable. people at subway they're always buying sandwiches 30 1,281 15.1K del 235K
mkb @MatthewKBegbie 17h ... Honey, I've got MACRO plastics in me. 14 756 7,736 178K
Pookie @PookiesParadise-15h ... glocc @lilglocc1k•1 16h at 5 guys with $6.48 FIVE GUYS what can i get?? 79 7,696 117K 5.2M
chris @citehchris 17h .. the guy on my right is doing that weird - - = negging to flirt with the bartender and the guy on my left has been crushing it on the touchtunes and turned to me and said damn that 4th beer always just hits perfect. feel like im sitting between a prophet and the worst guy ever 10 609 23.3K 326K
meredith @dietz_meredith 1d ... virginia may be for lovers. but delaware? delaware is for perverts 36 550 6,753 del 1.1M
UH Deer in Places they Shouldn't... 20h ... I love this animal The d 24 1,024 14.1K 272K
ijbol adjani @MOULINROUGE 16h why are they written in the poor things font iced pee @stupidtrashb....1 1d Gotta be 4 of my favorite foods QUINOA BEANS GRANDMA SUGAR FINE EUROPEAN LEAD FREE CAYSTAL Cheers MINANA WITH SAMPLE XP SALT PEPPER 15 408 21.3K 448K
Blake TM @NeilNevins 14h He's controlling SpongeBob's brain GIFS GALORE @gifs_bot.2d 1 446 9,626 to 215K
K-Pg chicken @sadtheropod18h ... tweets a horse would make Trey the Explainer @Trey_... . 19h Not to brag but I jumped cleanly over four of these guys today while on a run 2 282 5,375 81.6K
Eric Crocker @Crocky209.17h .... My wife was looking at my bank statement and thought I was paying for Thanks a lot Next Level porn NUTrition Wife Stockton, CA Add Test Highlight Crop Scienchol Extract Tea OCK Signature Convert # Author - Exit loting 5/22/24 4:09 PM Acco PURCHASE AUTHORIZED ON 04/10/24 04/09 SQ *NEXT LEVEL NUT Stockton CA S464100546456454 CARD 8676 04/09/24 IRS USATAXPYMT 040924 222450084442799 ERIC CROCKER 04/09/24 IRS USATAXPYMT 040924 240450081797830 ERIC CROCKER 04/09/24 ZELLE TO CROCKER STYVIE ON 04/09 REF #PPOS4ZW4FH 25-99 a Search I have to send this to show you paid your tax payment and how
Jungle Emergencies @Neil_M... 20h ... ARMADILLOS LAMPARD alisa @squirtstain 1d can a girl be a closeted gay guy 2 313 4,371 129K
Glenn Moore (Insta: @glennrog... 1d ... ARAGORN: Are you frightened? FRODO: Yes. ARAGORN: Not nearly frightened enough- FRODO: Ok well what the fuck was I meant to say then 9 284 4,771 207K


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