33 of the Funniest Tweets from Tuesday, March 26, 2024

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33 of the Funniest Tweets from Tuesday, March 26, 2024

Move over Trey Parker and Matt Stone, there are new comedians-turned-novelty-restaurateurs in town. Two of Staten Island’s most famous exports since Tess McGill are one step closer in bringing nightlife to the Hudson River. Pete Davidson and Colin Jost have been hard at work turning a decommissioned ferry into the ultimate maritime dining, shopping and lodging experience. Once complete, the $34 million floating venue will boast an outdoor events space, two restaurants, two nightclubs and 24 hotel rooms as it criss-crosses between New York City and Miami.

Disney will also be taking to the high seas, as the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is officially getting a fresh coat of paint. According to Jerry Bruckheimer, the decision is partly creative and partly logistical, noting that a reboot is easier to accomplish because “you don’t have to wait for certain actors,” presumably referring to the likes of Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. The news comes months after Margot Robbie announced that her female-led spin-off was no longer moving forward. Time will tell how the “weird” Craig Mazin and Ted Elliot script will be brought to the screen. 

As expected, the timeline is the true catch of the day with a new crop of hysterical tweets. Today’s funniest ones include those about the perfect chair to gab in, a skirt made for medical malpractice and a conversation starter for your gay co-workers.

a SOUNDS Miranda Keeling @MirandaKeel... 1d ... - Little girl on the train: Uncle Mallory died. Her mum: Yes. Little girl: So he won't feel anything now. Her mum: No. Little girl: Which is good because the insects will be eating his eyes. 21 276 4,348 del 80.3K

caesararum, BS, DOGS @cae... 21h ... I know why this is here, but it will never be not funny IRS SEARCH HELP | MENU Bribes. If you receive a bribe, include it in your income. 59 3,750 81.5K 1.8M

kate @anymnesis 23h Wait.... You are a White woman.... and you like Rap music? You are one interesting chica... 15 702 12.6K 487K

@Y2SHAF.20h Shafeeq you relax for 15 minutes after work and next thing you know it's 10pm 48 15K 86.7K du 2.1M

Jessica @rancid_squash 22h From my Dad Today 10:57 AM Who did you listen to in the 80s Delivered Today 1:24 PM No one. I was very stubborn 8 1,343 29K 468K

elle hulland @elhullxnd . 15h i will never get bored of tiktok X 334 comments abeerah holding the back of the dress with ur other hand to tighten it is so real 1h Reply 381 lara streets Creator girl i have one arm 1h Reply 1,369 View 277 replies 41 4,518 99.7K 1.4M

lenore! @lvhment.20h ... Yesterday 9:42 PM You wanna fuck? no Today 2:14 AM maybe Delivered 63 3,997 43.4K 1.1M

kat @HelenRuthsGhost.1 1d My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that's an omelette and now she isn't talking to me 101 3,706 94.1K 1.9M

not j*ss @itsnotjess123. 1d a piece of my car fell off while i was parking... AA Qis every part of your car important Google Sign in X is every part of your car impo All Images Videos Shopping News Books 68 2,884 64.7K 1.6M

matt @computer_gay 15h Nurteca @MissGioBaby1.2h Would you ever shit in the club? Yes No 529 votes 21 hours 53 minutes left 7 5 7 Tóast @th3mb0fication 37m Yes 1 2 2022 @whotrey You can vote privately 32 2,111 47.2K 857K

sam @BigWillyITGuy99.22h making small talk with gay coworkers TOP OR BOTTOM QUEEN 33 4.5K 60K 1.1M

ephemeral @toopimpin27.22h 3 muffins in the whole truck Entermanic Little Bites PROPRIE Streehmann Line Haul L.P. 255 Business Center Drive Hombam Pa. 19044 U.S. DOI 665959 100 1.2K 20K 303K

Jack Grimes @Jackapedia_ 20h there was a small child behind us who, when something bad happened to mario, would cry out no! mario!! and I'm not kidding it increased my emotional investment in the film by 500% Toon Fanatic @ToonFanatic69. 1d What was your experience like seeing this movie for the first time M Nintendo + ILLUMINATION THE SUPER MARIO PRAN 51 3.7K 61K 981K

@The_Feminist_TM-2 21h Jennifer Leigh ON If my husband ever breaks his leg I'm going to insist he uses this. It has no sentimental value I just like it. Goes with my antique chair theme. 74 719 123 29K 681K

@gothesbian 23h count dykecula ... what depeche mode song is this JESUS Stripped, Abused, Assaulted, Violated FOR YOU 58 3.7K 30K 622K

The Seinen Hero @TheHeroOfSeinen 23h If I was Obama I would've sent a drone strike to his house allie @percyjacksawn- 1d why the secret service didnt help her? iCarly K ROOM U 127 9.8K 126K 3.9M

The tumboy @TheTumboy 13h I didn't realize that John Wilkes Booth was like a pretty famous guy and that he had even more famous actor brothers. it's like if Stephen Baldwin killed the president 95 511 14K 583K

Adso Of Belk @AdsoOfBelk. 1d delaneycirce Guy next to me on a flight to NYC kept googling best porridge in _ and then filled in the blank with 10-15 various American cities 46m Reply 216 15 393 12K 356K

Joe Cool @snacswell - 1 18h ... Fork found in kitchen major bitch @ssanctityy 21h oh i'm sure Nonbinary C Queer Barista 4 338 9.3K 250K

Nito @lol_nanito 1d ... Me eating an orange: mm it's so sweet My dad the next day: here, I got you 2500 of them 275 16K 126K 2.6M

depths of wikipedia @depthsofwiki - 17h WIKIPEDIA Gossip bench From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia A gossip bench or telephone table is a piece of furniture that includes a chair with an attached side table on one end, sometimes with built-in storage such as drawers or a magazine rack. The furniture became popular shortly after the telephone was invented in 1876.(2) 26 586 6.1K 198K

jay @horrorslutz . 16h when they actually kill him this time FILM UPDATES Film Updates @FilmUpdates.17h A script for a 'JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE' sequel has been completed. (eonline.com/news/1398137/j...) 613 11 260K 7.9K

HellStarlet @maybemilano 1d This show not gonna end until Noah is chief of police DEADLINE Deadline Hollywood @DEADLINE. 4d NBC has renewed 'Law & Order: SVU' for Season 26 bit.ly/494wL5Q DEADLINE TV NEWS 'Law & Order: SVU' Renewed At NBC 234 5.1K 30K 1.6M

g 9C @st4rbr13.18h pulling up to the function with this styling my house md skirt !! RD + 23.1K 430 smart 1,306 2 reposted sara:) 74 1.7K 20K 408K

emily coolboobs @cooIboobs 17h ... thought he was rolling the dice attempting to deadname me but he was just signing his reply 55 10 472 8.2K Follow back Mark Kent M @MarkKent1043825 very stunning photo of you,mark 362 4.9K 177K 1.9M

КОВ @Kirsten0Brien 1d ... My mom emails me like she's trying to steal my credit card info | found this webpage Inbox M В to me Hi, I found this webpage and thought you might like it https://www.space.com/33786-lunar- eclipse-guide.html 4 24 722 del 11K

Sam Morril @sammorril. 1d Hey that's a judgment free zone Sob MORRH. Came Ford Famoun NEW YORK POST New York Post @nypost. 1d Inmate who escaped prison nearly 4 months ago captured leaving a Planet Fitness 200 miles away trib.al/90AcOvb planet fitness US MARSHALS FUGITIVE TASK FORCE HALS ORCE 34 958 19.9K 836K

suchanicon @_makaylaaab 22h ... I went to court this morning thinking I'm there for tickets to .. he talking bout you know why you here I'm like yeah my tickets he talking bout No you here from stealing out of Walmart I almost fell out 132 1,042 15K 632K

rare insults @insultsrare. 1d yall seen that movie about the rat th... @deadliidev so that's where it is jay @originalcuntent Fellas what's y'alls opinion on girls getting their clit pierced Show this thread 185 3,208 77.2K 2.3M

... @dubonicplague. dd EXCUSE ME? March 10 40 min The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman (Rebroadcast) Just Sleep - Bedtime Stories for Adults > Play Feeling stressed? Relax tonight with The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, a short story to help you fall asleep. Published in 1892, it is considered an early piece of American feminist literature. The narrator and her husband rent an ancestral home for three months so she can relax and recover from her nervous condition. But the yellow wallpaper in their bedroom starts to trouble her... Support the podcast and enjoy ad-free episodes. Try FREE for 7 days

cinesthetic. @TheCinesthe... 22h ... Remember when the boys made us watch that movie about the gay guys on the mountain? Lord of the Rings. 139 4,612 67.7K 2.6M

Jane @ChiomaKJane. 1d Don't be silly my friend What if I made you believe in love again? 11:09 AM You blocked this contact. Tap to unblock. + 102 6,010 30.8K 988K

Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewN... 1d ... I would have bet twice that that this was 2 dudes in a cow costume. Interesting Things @i... 1d The world's most expensive cow was sold in Brazil for around $4.8 million. 78 5,251 122K 4.3M

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