31 of the Funniest Tweets from Tuesday, March 19, 2024

Don’t flirt where you eat
31 of the Funniest Tweets from Tuesday, March 19, 2024

It’s Taylor-Johnson, Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Rumors are swirling that the Bullet Train actor is next in line to become M16’s most iconic spy. Should he accept the offer, Taylor-Johnson will become the eighth actor to take on James Bond after Daniel Craig’s 18-year-long stint as the character. Once officially announced, the casting will silence the fervent speculation of Idris Elba or a gender-swapped Lashana Lynch assuming the 007 moniker. 

A studio on this side of the pond is also on the hunt for a leading man — a leading man with an affinity for spinach and comically bulbous biceps. Chernin Entertainment and King Features are actively developing the first live-action Popeye film since Robin Williams’ take in 1980 — just in time for the iconic character’s 95th anniversary. It’s safe to assume that Anya Taylor-Joy’s phone is ringing off the hook to read for Olive Oyl. 

Meanwhile, the posters on the timeline are reprising their role as some of the funniest comedians out there. Today’s funniest tweets include those about guys who don’t mess around with fire-tending, the logical solution to defenestration and a missed opportunity for Hozier.

@RICKYRAGE.2 20h But you don't look polyamorous! TikTok @saliorstarandthestarboys x Comments AS Man 11/22 Evil Paramore Reply 2,100 reactions ... 100 6,349 110K 1.6M
h*zzie@$#! @filename_h4zzi3 . 1d ... i yelled bitch boy in front of a group of people and your boyfriend was the first to turn around 14 1,771 15.2K 382K
nationalize boeing @seaweeda... 1d ... locked and loaded Cancel Drafts Edit chief of staff: Mr. President, the King of England has passed. joe biden : hot damn. we do that? 14 2,712 40.9K 1M
bongo @bongoism 1d taking 3-4 benadryl and pretending i'm an old circus elephant being put down 17 1,494 14.5K du 490K
Kai و @KaiTheSixth -1 1d ... bitch i thought you was speaking german  doe @aspertameangel - 1 1d if i lose enuf weigt by summr i wunna git 1 of dees but wich 1 du u guys liek? 258 9,470 152K 3M
@JealousOfR.... 1d Rude Gyal Re ... I had a dream i was at the club & this girl said hey girl you don't look nothing like your pictures on social media i i said what ??? and ran to the bathroom,i looked in the mirror why tf i was Steve Harvey i never ran out the club so fast crying wow. 983 7,475 96.5K 2.6M
patrick @audiohymn 19h ... when customers get mad at me and i tell them im going to go talk to my supervisors this is who im referring to XTRA CHEDOAR FAMiLY SIZE JAMALE GILL Tamajos STANS Co Goldfish Goldfish Coca oz GLAVOS CHEDDAR RECYCLE ME 32 2,358 42.7K 780K
annika @femaleweezerfan - 1d ... he looks like he's going to Camp Rock stilgrahh @GuadagninoFilms- 2d TIMOTHÉE AS BOB DYLAN ERAAAA DEGLY 120 6,294 140K 4.7M
oppa jackie style @lovelysewer.2 21h ... Today 5:48 PM Can i be honest Today 5:51 PM Okay Sent I can tell that you don't really care about the environment 15 275 9,345 349K
Michael's Italian Restaurant 1d ... i i could never flirt with someone in my own city are you insane i i live here 54 4,514 35K del 1.1M
Craig Calcaterra @craigcalcaterra 1d ... I don't know why I find it hilarious that Hershey has in- house counsel separated by whether they handle salty snacks or sweet snacks but I do find it hilarious. Counsel, Salty Snacks The Hershey Company Hershey, PA (Remote) a Actively recruiting 83 821 15K 845K
Kira @mycatmisu 1d ... you guys. please take care of ur mental health because the most evil people i know study psychology im so serious rn 704 27K 167K du 5M
ttyd @atousl. 14h There's always a white guy at the bonfire who really fucks with keeping the fire going and I respect that 264 6.6K 84K 2.1M
@DISC0D0WN . 1d ... When you make a bomb ass song Popular - aren Hot Stuff 1 ... 109,312,388 Hot Stuff - 12 Version 2 143,270,900 - HOTEL Hot Stuff 3 119,198,508 1 205 3.6K 90K
an actual dog @devtesla . 1d ... he's demisexual (requires connections to feel sexual attraction) matt @computer_gay. 1d ? Today Connections Puzzle #280 what'd u get handsome? didn't do today's Delivered 11:44 PM 16 minutes left hurry pls 11:44PM 39 2.6K 35K 1.6M
JY @yahdley 4h ... Get in the paint bro we are in a 2-3 zone - Hozier > Height 6'6 Image: Mat Hayward, Getty Images Gotye Vance Jo Noah Kahan 6' 4 5' 10 6' 4 28 651 11K 2.6M
hispanic pixie dream girl @mathewrodrigu... . 1d ... Babe, wake up, new Father, Son and Holy Ghost just dropped 23 The Mother The Mother This Is Me...Now: A Love Story The Artist 24 The Greatest Love Story Never Told Herself 3 17 207 del 12K
mo @fuckmonica_. 1 d ... damn girl r u a tuba? bc you're getting played by a rlly weird dude 19 1K 12K 391K
Dame @4inWhipCrasher 23h my grandma literally has like 6 boxes of ozempic in her fridge (she's actually diabetic) im like nana dont let no fat bitch find out where you live lol 136 1.7K 21K 1.2M
YOUR PAL, DAKOTA @DEEP_RED_BELLS-1 1d we hated these guys so much, never realizing how many 1991 worse types of guy were coming down the pipeline schizo @tulpapilled 1d 2010 RECESSION HIPSTER DUDE STARTER PACK PALE ALE SELVEDGE DENIM IS WORTH THE MONEY, IT'LL LAST FOREVER OUR GRANDPARENTS HAD THE RIGHT IDEA MUMFORD & SONS NO MORE SIGH HAVE YOU HEARD THAT NEW MUMFORD AND SONS RECORD? Ball ASSA 52 206 3.7K 190K
Chloe @clohy_uwu.23h wtf is my mom doing Mon, Mar 18 48°F Mom now M *paws at u* do u hate me 210 2.9K 49K 1.2M
gracie @graciesbakes. 1d ... tiktok famous era baking because i can't jump out of the window 19.3K ... 12 1,511 128 91K 1.2M 11K
Tina Turtle @tinaqueen_15 . 1d I don't trust people good at bowling bc how many dates you been on?! 138 2.7K 23K 1.5M
i i am @broken . 1d pov: i confidently sang the wrong lyrics out loud @maneaters 65 14.6K 99.5K 2.3M
Ric. t @ihyric 1d Women: Idk how I got these bruises Women the night before: SUN 126 7,639 53.5K 1.9M
annabelle 3: @oomfabelle. 20h Yesss it makes me feel like a beautiful horse with a hoove bludhaund @pixikiIler 1d i just rly like when flared pants fall over my platforms like this 65 11.9K 153K 3.3M
Anti-Fascist Turtle @TheAntif... 23h ... Are you trans? 16:02 Yep 16:02 Nice Still have it 16:03 Have what? 16:00 Virginia 108 1,591 27.1K 682K
Yvonne @T1ttyBiter_. 1d sorry for being annoying its because i want you 9 4,229 20.8K 737K
lapis @lapizilive 16h ... thread of 0.5 photos i took at the wax museum 523 9,241 125K del 8.7M
cinesthetic. @TheCinesthetic. 1d ... favourite band. blink -182- 61 1,712 26.6K 1.4M
Michael's Italian Restaurant 1d ... i i could never flirt with someone in my own city are you insane i i live here 54 4,514 35K del 1.1M


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