31 of the Funniest Insults from Children

‘I hope your parents have to paint their floor with pencils!’
31 of the Funniest Insults from Children

If a child told you that your face “looks like something that came out of a slow-cooker,” it would ruin your day. How could it not? Even if they didn’t specify exactly what was in the slow-cooker, you know what they mean. You look messed-up, dude! While we probably shouldn’t encourage children to utter such sick burns, their parents should be proud. 

Redditors have recalled the times they were roasted to-hell-and-back by pint-sized insult comics, and I gotta say, if a three-year-old calls you a “chicken nugget butt fighter,” you definitely deserved it. Just apologize already. 

sunkheaven . . 6y I hope your parents have to paint their floors with pencils ... 114
hjohns95 . 6y You look like something that came out of a slow cooker! We had no clue what that meant, but we had to stop and take a moment of silence for that roast. ... 3.7k
tossitNSFW 6y In like 5th grade, my friends and I all thought having a big wiener would be an insult, so arguments would end up like this: Yeah well you have a big wiener! No, YOU have a big wiener! No, YOU! ... 1.6k
baissist . . 6y Had something similar in elementary. I went home crying because this boy kept making fun of my name. His name was Kourtney, and my mom told me the next time he poked fun at me to respond with oh yeah, well you have a girl's name! Не never spoke to me again. ... 2.4k
PearEaterSo . 6y Used to be a preschool teacher, had an angry three year old call me a chicken nugget butt fighter. ... 4.3k
Sgw768 . 6y Also a preschool teacher, also an angry three year old (I dared to make him lie down at nap time, evil evil me). Не went on a rant, screaming all the worst things he could think of. This was mostly things like You have boogers in your nose! And You have makeup in your eyeball! Не fell asleep like 90 seconds later. ... 1.3k
Moneyball99 . 6y Your face looks like the floor of the cafeteria after lunch. Don't know why, but that killed me. ... 4.5k
pooprscoopr14. . 6y Boy, you smell like hot dog water ... 2.5k
Donfatty . 6 6y My six year old told my nine year old, 'you are a butthole without a heart' ... 103
funkychuck.6y My son: I have an Angry Birds shirt! My daughter: You have two shirts. An Angry Birds shirt and a shut your mouth shirt. Loved it because it only barely made sense. ... 1.2k
RokeDrabitar . 6y Two toddlers were trying to open a heavy door and one gave up out of frustration and just yelled DAMMIT and the other, mortified by the bad word started to cry. Toddler one says I'm not dammiting YOU, I'm dammiting the DOOR! ... 1.2k
 6y My name is Caroline, and when I was in preschool, I had this bully who would call me Carrotline, rabbits eat you all day. I don't know why, but this SUPER upset me. One day I came home sobbing and explained to my dad that this kid was STILL calling me Carrotline rabbits eat you all day. So my dad asks what the kids name is. I tell him it's Daniel and he helps me come up with something I can call him. We settle on Daniel Daniel cockerspaniel, go pee in the yard! So the next day,
mtbsocphil . 6y Fat sister: Go suck a big one!! younger skinny sister: YOU ARE THE BIG ONE!! ... 184
biga204 . 6y When my son was 4 at the playground to another kid: Get back here, ya' blender. No fucking idea why that was the word he chose. ... 4.1k
Proudlyevil . 6y STOP ACTING so SPECIAL YOU'RE A DO SI DO Never have I ever thought my teenage years would be spent trying to comfort a kid crying hysterically over being called a girlscout cookie. Doubly painful, because no one in the troop liked do si dos. ... 928
 . 6y In the swim locker room, one annoying cretin was talking about his schlong. Another kid immediately answered looks more like a schlort. ... 1.4k
Alldawaytoswiffty. 6y My buddy had all his family over and his niece put her hand on his stomach and said sorry you have such bad asthma she thought asthma was the term to use for fat. ... 1.6k
mafia_honey. 6y This one kid said on the bus in elementary school said to another, Sorry I wasn't paying attention, I was too busy counting your chins. ... 521
eradicATErs . 6y My son told his little brother he was as useless as an unpaid intern. ... 446
 . 6y When I was still with my girlfriend at the time my 9 year old little cousin looked up at me, stared me right in the eyes, and said What does she see in you?. In one fell swoop she destroyed me as she skipped away happily. ... 210
KimJongUns-Barber . 6 6y My wife is an 8th Grade teacher and heard a child yell go hump a cactus! Across the room She said she just walked out the room so they wouldn't see her laughing ... 717
unfetteredbymemes . 6y My little sisters are arguing. Ages 5 and 7. 5 year old: Stop talking to inanimate objects, it's weird. 7 year old: I talk to you all the time and your head is an inanimate object. ... 334
 6y My brothers Todd(5) & George(17). George came home from high school one day. Todd: George, do you like it? George: Do I like what? Todd: Being a loser! ... 89
titantriggerfish46 . . 6y My friend told me when I was 10 (I had loads of freckles) that it looked like someone shat on my face through a sieve ... 710
JackWantz11 . 6y Growing up I heard a fat kid call a fatter kid a blubber nugget. ... 144
ActualGuesticles • . 6y My siblings had a phase when pinecone was the worst insult ever. Calling each other a pinecone would result in screaming and crying. One brother tried using it on another kid at the playground and got no reaction, because....it's not a real insult.
Cuppa_Miki . 6 6y Best insult I've ever heard is my four year old daughter telling her baby brother he was a penis for snatching her toys. You....you PENIS MOOSE!! ... 1.6k
Lookitsmonsterki - . 6y 4 year old to 4 year old: maybe your mum should have done a better job raising you ... 3.1k
challam 6y My eight-year-old granddaughter told her older brother the only way he'd ever hurt himself during an activity is if the TV exploded. ... 9.8k
noyogapants . 6y Younger son told older son haha you're as funny as a turtle! Older son: I don't get it, turtles aren't funny? Younger son: Exactly. They were like 5 & 7 at the time. I still laugh when I think about it... ... 6k
Dogpicsordie • . 6y Heard kids arguing whose parents has cooler cars one kid yells my dad has a BMW and my mom has a Murano. Without missing a beat other kid yells Thats cuz your mom's a morono. ... 12.9k


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