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Today, we’re okay with the fact that we can’t go back in time

35 Feats of Yesteryear That Will Fill Your Gut With the Opposite of Nostalgia

March 21, 2024

While working on our time machine, we showed it some history and nostalgia to give it specific moments to jump back to. But when digging up the past, we learned that there are a ton of instances that we really should’ve just left behind. Maybe we’ll just start focusing on the future. Ooh, imagine if we could give you future facts!

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35

Cringey lyrics from the '80s Poison I Want Action I can't wait to get my hands on them. I won't give up until they give in. If I can't have her, I'll take her and make her. You're gonna make her, Bret Michaels? Well, no means no, Bret Michaels! We'd say this didn't age well, but it wasn't acceptable back then (or ever!). CRACKED — Source

34

The Beastie Boys

Cringey lyrics from the '80s The Beastie Boys Girls I asked her out, she said 'No way.' I should of probably guessed her gay. If a girl isn't into you, she must be gay! Lyrics for the fragile ego of the rejected bro. And it's have, Beastie Boys. You should have probably guessed that she is gay. CRACKED — Source

33

Cringey lyrics from the '80s AC/DC Let Me Put My Love Into You Don't you struggle. Don' 't you fight. Don't you worry. 'Cause it's your turn tonight. If the title of the song wasn't cringey enough, they really doubled down with a good ol' take on consent in the '80s. CRACKED — Source

32

Cringey lyrics from the '80s Guns N' Roses One in a Million Racial and homophobic slurs that we'd care to not repeat. EXCLUSIVE - . - - N - DRUGA Sort frees shet of by WITH gong THE SHOCKII Serving - - - - GTO USED TO Elephant giv LOVE HER HE - - - One In A - - - - - - - - Controversial even at the time, many questioned why Slash (who is half black) played on a song where Axl drops the worst possible word that begins with an N. CRACKED — Source

31

Cringey lyrics from the '80s DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince Parents Just Don't Understand And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh. She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far. I almost had a heart attack that day. Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway. Will Smith was 20 when this was released, and even if the song was about his younger self, he picks up this girl while driving his car. Do we need to keep listing reasons this is problematic?! CRACKED — Source

30

SETH'S CRACKED ENTIRE PLOT IS DATE RAPE. SUPERBAD His master plan is to get Emma Stone's character drunk enough to sleep with him. When he discovers she doesn't drink, he whines, gets grabby, and vomits on her. Worse, he seems to be practicing for a string of similar assaults in college. — Source

29

CRACKED THE DEPLORABLE PRIME MINISTER. LOVE ACTUALLY Hugh Grant as The Prime Minister is essentially Tony Blair with a Bill Clinton libido. Grant might be lovable in '90s rom-coms, but he abuses his power to sleep with a young aide. Relentless, he and his security guards even crash her family Christmas. — Source

28

CRACKED JAKE RYAN OFFERS HIS PASSED OUT GIRLFRIEND UP AS A PLAY THING. SIXTEEN CANDLES He's played up as the perfect high school good guy, but why, because he likes the nerdy girl? His infatuation becomes outright stalking, and he hands his drunk, passed out girlfriend to the perverted Anthony Michael Hall saying, Do whatever you want. — Source

27

CRACKED DIRTY HARRY NEEDS A BODYCAM TO KEEP HIM IN CHECK. DIRTY HARRY In one of Clint Eastwood's most iconic films, this rogue cop is supposed to follow a strict code of conduct, but he violates civil rights, abuses prisoners, and kills at will. He's portrayed as good, but he's a menace to society. — Source

26

CRACKED COM It's hard to watch Stephen Collins portray a pastor and family man on 7th HEAVEN now that we know he's a child molester. — Source

25

Feel good film Pay it Forward seems weird now that you know Kevin Spacey has been accused of sexually harassing minors, and it really flips the film's lesson of trust strangers. GRAGKED.COM — Source

24

CRACKED I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY CAT RIGHT SAID FRED BUDD PUK Never listen too closely to this song, which is really a bleak portrait of self-defeating narcissism, but this pet-owner relationship is even better left unexplored. — Source

23

CRACKED HIKE UP YOUR SKIRT A LITTLE MORE AND SHOW YOUR WORLD TO ME DAVE MATTHEWS BAND A whole lot of us had formative middle school dance moments to a song about peeping tommery. — Source

22

CRACKED BLACK, WHITE, RED, BROWN, FEEL THE VIBRATION MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH YEYYORK The I don't see color vibe is bad enough, but there's a key color missing there, and if you know Wahlberg's history, it's... glaring. — Source

21

WEARING A BANDANA UNDER YOUR HAIR CANCELS OUT THE WHOLE POINT OF WEARING A BANDANA. I GUESS NOBODY TOLD THE HAIR METAL BANDS. (OR ME IN GRADE EIGHT.) CRACKED.COM — Source

20

HIGH SCHOOL APPAREL CRACKED.COM HIGHSCHOOL FOOTBALL HS LEADERSHIP SID HIGH SCHOOL 0 YOU WORE THESE TO SHOW TEAM SPIRIT AND PERSONAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS, AND THEY SERVE NO PURPOSE OUTSIDE OF HIGH SCHOOL. — Source

19

Nu METAL The perfect genre of music for any rebellious teen. Listening now, you feel like a brat with bad taste. MUSKA CRACKED.COM CIRCAFOOTWEAH — Source

18

Bacteria-ridden, knotted string you never take off because 'friendship'. And their slightly Make Your own SCOOBIES KMD more hygenic Secoble UNITED KAnnen plastic Lessness souse vigenen counterparts. The CRACKED.COM — Source

17

CRACKED, COM LUCKY KINGS Round Up CANDY VICTORY CANDY TARGET CANDY CANDY Feeling totally badass pretending to smoke your candy cigarettes. — Source

16

CHUCK BASS Chuck is an attempted rapist in the first episode of Gossip Girl, yet somehow becomes a romantic icon? CRACKED.COM — Source

15

Cops

COPS The reality show is deeply unsettling when you realize it's just exploitative reality show copaganda. CRACKED.COM — Source

14

FLASHBACK MONICA Almost any character wearing a fat suit for the laughs is just cringey. CRACKED.COM — Source

13

MANGO RA WE - adidas Dem COSTUME The Saturday Night Live character (arguably) now reeks of using homophobia for laughs. CRACKED.COM — Source

12

PEPÉ LE PEW The cartoon skunk stalks and sexually assaults Penelope Pussycat, in a weird French stereotype. CRACKED.COM — Source

11

SI AND AM The Lady and the Tramp antagonists rely on heavy Asian stereotypes to taunt Lady and cause havoc. CRACKED.COM — Source

10

LONG DUK DONG Sixteen Candles is a rough nowadays, but nothing is quite as insufferable as the racist stereotypes the character emobodied. CRACKED.COM — Source

9

SEVERUS SNAPE Alan Rickman was great, but the character's redemptive incel arc? Not so much. CRACKED.COM — Source

8

CRACKED.COM HIGH WATTAGE CAR AUDIO SYSTEM THE DISTRACT YOU FROM THE OTHER DRIVERS, CONTRIBUTE TO HEARING LOSS, MAKE CAR PARTS BUZZ, AND NO ROOM TO TRANSPORT ANYTHING ELSE SOUND SYSTEM. — Source

7

SUPER TRENDY HAIRDOS (FROM ANY DECADE) JON BON JOVA www.fr mark LOOK RIDICULOUS NOW GRACKED.COM — Source

6

Yep! I'm the guy who bought their first album. Smash mouth In 1997, SMASH MOUTH were surprisingly edgy, with tracks such as F**K IT LET'S ROCK After their 1999 follow-up made them known as The SHREK band, this quietly migrated toward the back of the CD cupboard. CRACKED.COM — Source

5

Kid Me: This is the greatest show of all time!! Adult me: ....why did i watch this... CRACKED.COM — Source

4

Skydancers were recalled in 2000. 8.9 million were recalled after about 150 reports of injuries, from eye injuries to facial lacerations to a broken rib. CRACKED.COM — Source

3

Miss Cleo wasn't Jamaican, named Cleo, or toll-free. 100 EAT TING ME? Unlike her clients, Youree Dell Harris avoided any charges. She died of cancer at 53. CRACKED.COM — Source

2

In the '90s we 994 1995 19 1992 1993 1994 watched crime dramas 996 199 like 1990 Diagnosis: 199 Murder. 1999 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995 1996 1997 TOYO AUTO And Jake and the Fatman. 1998 1999 1997 Because there's nothing more 1995 entertaining than formulaic 1993 crime-of-the-week bro dramas. 1999 991 1995 1996 1997 1998 NOW YOU KNOW: THE '90s CRACKED.COM — Source

1

In the '90s, we wore stupidly- 1991 1992 1999 1990 oversized jeans. 97 1998 1999 1996 1997 And if you've 1992 got 1001 $300, 1905 you can buy them now. 1993 1993 1994 1995 1996 1997 1999 NOW YOU KNOW: THE '90s CRACKED.COM — Source

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