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31 Oddly Relatable Quotes From Historical Figures and Celebrities

You tell ‘em, Abe

31 Oddly Relatable Quotes From Historical Figures and Celebrities

March 13, 2024

Some of history’s most famous people were also the saddest.

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31

Emo Laments from Dignified People Ray Bradbury Bradbury wrote some absolute classics of the sci-fi genre, but still described himself in the following terms: A conglomerate heap of trash, that's what I am. But it burns with a high flame. CRACKED.COM — Source

30

Emo Laments from Dignified People Charles Darwin Despite publishing The Origin of Species in 1859, Darwin did not go on to live an easy life. Two years later, he wrote the highly relatable classic, But I am very poorly today and very stupid and hate everybody and everything. CRACKED.COM — Source

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Emo Laments from Dignified People Walter Alexander Raleigh The writer, poet, and scholar was high culture incarnate, but still wrote some 2000s Tumblr stuff: I wish I loved the human race, I wish I loved its silly face, and when I'm introduced to one, I wish I thought 'what jolly fun'! Then he ran up the stairs and locked himself in his room. CRACKED.COM — Source

28

Abraham Lincoln

Emo Laments from Dignified People Abraham Lincoln Lincoln lived with depression throughout his life (maybe because some time traveler showed him his party's future). Still, at one point he moped, I am now the most miserable man living. #Relatable CRACKED.COM — Source

27

Emo Laments from Dignified People H.P. Lovecraft OG soft emo boy Lovecraft wrote this My Chemical Romance lyrics: I expect nothing of man, and disown the race. The only folly is expecting what is never attained; man is most contemptible when compared with his own pretensions. Wow, deep. CRACKED.COM — Source

26

Emo Laments from Dignified People 3240 Elvis Presley Presley might or might not have been going through an emo vegan phase (and being 14) when he wrote these powerful words, probably on LiveJournal: Animals don't hate, and we're supposed to be better than them. CRACKED.COM — Source

25

Emo Laments from Dignified People Richard Nixon Despite getting off easy with Gerald Ford's pardon, Nixon just whined: No one can know how it feels to resign the presidency of the United States. Poor lil' totally not a crook. CRACKED.COM — Source

24

Emo Laments from Dignified People Vincent van Gogh Van Gogh lived a lousy life. But still, his last words were such a sadboi level as to be worthy of being a My Bloody Valentine album title: The sadness will last forever. CRACKED.COM — Source

23

Emo Laments from Dignified People Søren Kierkegaard Next to Nietzsche, Kierkegaard is philosophy's greatest emo boy. In addition to my other numerous acquaintances, I have one more intimate confidant. My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known-no wonder, then, that I return the love. GRACKED.COM — Source

22

Emo Laments from Dignified People Samuel Johnson The 18th-century writer is up there with Shakespeare in terms of literary cred, but still dropped Kanye-worthy, humble-bragging self-deprecation: I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. CRACKED.COM — Source

21

Emo Laments from Dignified People Jesus H. Christ We like our boy J.C. as much as anybody, but he did go pretty emo with My God, why have you forsaken me? Not convinced? Listen to System of a Down's banger Chop Suey, you'll get it. CRACKED.COM — Source

20

Emo Laments from Dignified People LeBron bibigo James LAKERS Frustrated with his teammates, James gave us this remark which we're pretty sure is also scribbled all over the emo notebooks of 13-year-olds: If I could clone myself, we'd be all right, but I can't. CRACKED.COM — Source

19

Emo Laments from Dignified People RobertCrumb With his grimy and wacky art, Crumb is indie comic royalty. And clearly his work comes from a genuine place - after all, only honesty could give us this gem: At least I hate myself as much as I hate anybody else. CRACKED.COM — Source

18

Emo Laments from Dignified People Rowan Atkinson It may not seem like it if you only know him for Mr. Bean, but he's a very respected actor. Also, he says stuff like, I love walking in the rain because no one can see me crying. We're pretty sure that's taken straight from The Cure. CRACKED.COM — Source

17

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MISQUOTE The ends justify the means. -Machiavelli What he actually said was one must consider the final result, which is slightly less... Machiavellian. CRACKED.COM — Source

15

WRONG AGAIN If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. - Marilyn Monroe No one knows who actually said this, but it wasn't Marilyn. The ironic thing is that she hated misattributed quotes: When I was a little girl I read signed stories in fan magazines and I believed every word of them. Then I tried to model my life after the lives of the stars I read about. If I'm going to have that kind of influence, I want to be sure it's because of something I've actually said or written. CRACKED.COM — Source

14

NOPE Et tu, Brute? - Julius Caesar Caesar is generally thought to have said kaì sú, téknon, which translates to even you, son? But some historians think it was something a bit more defiant; roughly, you're next! CRACKED.COM — Source

13

Leo Durocher

NOT QUITE Nice guys finish last. - Leo Durocher Не actually said the nice guys are all over there, in seventh place. That's an important distinction; his original intent - encouragement to toughen up, to change, to become better-is a far cry from the hopeless mantra of misogynist gremlins who wish they could be meaner to women. Also? Seventh place is technically second-to-last. Checkmate, sexism. CRACKED.COM — Source

12

CRACKED.COM They don't call me 'Tyrannosaurus Sex' for nothing! Ted Kennedy, wearing a Barney costume, 1993 Xmas party. — Source

11

CRACKED COM People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader. -Steven Seagal — Source

10

CRACKED.COM Somebody said to me, But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, Now, let's write a swimming pool. -Paul McCartney — Source

9

BE VERY CAREFUL ABOUT YOUR CAPE. DON'T USE IT FOR SEXUAL HIGH JINKS. IT CAN GET UGLY -TRUST ME. ALSO. BE CAREFUL WHEN FLUSHING. -ADAM WEST CRACKED.COM — Source

8

As a child, I dragged a dead squirrel home on a skateboard, cut it open and tried to look at its brain. - Jessica Biel GRACKED.COM — Source

7

Do they think that I am such a damned fool as to think myself fit for President of the United States? No, sir; I know what I am fit for. I can command a body of men in a rough way, but I am not fit to be President. -Andrew Jackson, 7th President CRACKED.COM — Source

6

All I know is that I am not a Marxist. -Karl Marx CRACKED COM — Source

5

It's pretty gunked up down there.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. -Walt Disney CRACKED.COM — Source

4

AC/DC

CRACKED.COM I'm sick to death of people saying we've made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we've made 12 albums that sound exactly the same. Angus Young - AC/DC — Source

3

It's all a big hoax, honey. I never wrote a song in my life. I get one-third of the credit for recording it. It makes me look smarter than I am. I've never even had an idea for a song. Just once, maybe. - Elvis Presley, October 28, 1957 CRACKED COM — Source

2

The greatest feeling you can get in a gym or the most satisfying feeling you can get in the gym is the pump. It feels fantastic. It's as satisfying to me as cumming is, you know, as in having sex with a woman and cumming. So can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like getting the feeling of cumming in the gym; I'm getting the feeling of cumming at home; I'm getting the feeling of cumming backstage; when I pump up, when I pose out in front of 5000 people I get the same feeling, so — Source

1

CRACKED.COM I poop in the backyard... I wear disposable diapers. -David Duchovny — Source

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