23 Times Coaches Might Not Have Won the Game, But Were Definitely the Funniest Person on the Field

‘Nice route, Magellan!’
23 Times Coaches Might Not Have Won the Game, But Were Definitely the Funniest Person on the Field

When considering the most influential comedic voices across generations, coaches rarely get the accolades they deserve. In fact, coaches should get more recognition than comedians, because they don’t have time to work on their routine before delivering a certified zinger. For example, the coach who yelled out “You guys are blue balling me worse than a team of Vegas strippers” after his team lost three games in a row, certainly should’ve gotten some kind of award. Same goes for the assistant coach who simply yelled “Piss in their Wheaties, boys!” to motivate his team. 

Redditors have shared the funniest things their former coaches have said and done on the field, and a lot of these rants are truly inspired.

LilBabyTyTy . 8y H and L were a gay couple on our football team. None of us cared, but God did they love to gossip. Every time Coach caught them off somewhere talking, he'd yell loud as ever Hey you two! Stop that slap-dicking around bullshit and get back to work. ... 20
Dylinquency . . 8y We lost 3 games in a row in a volleyball tournament by 2 points each when we started off with a lead in all 3 of them. My coach said You guys are blue balling me worse than a team of Vegas strippers! ... 61
dastard82 . 8y X country coach, If you guys don't stop looking at the girls while you're training, I'm going to make you all wear those field hockey skirts and run through the soccer field screaming Freedom! ... 26
 . 8y I was ~130lbs and wanted to try playing rugby in college. One game I messed something up and my coach, in the most English accent imaginable, screams Scrotie, I'm going to stick my dick in your ear and fuck some sense into you! at the top of his lungs. Не was notorious for good quotes.... ... 7
GooberliciousGoonie . 8y Had and an assistant coach interject the head coaches half time talk by shoving his way into the center of the group and yell, fucking piss in their Wheaties, boys. Hilarious and motivating ... 2
crimip . 8y Our home baseball field in high school had a pretty substantial hill in right field, which made it chaos for the right fielders to track down and catch a pop fly. Before one game we were watching the other team take their infield/ outfield practice and their coach sends a fungo'd pop fly to right. need less to say, the right fielder had no chance and was falling all over himself trying to track down this popup. while it was in the air he was going up the hill, back down, side to side... it was a
TyShort08 . 8y JV football 9th grade: One kid got blasted into a cinder block wall. An assistant coach, who looked to be at least 80, yelled at him Get up boy! You ain't hurt! I didn't feel a thing! ... 18
Lawdoc1 . 8y In high school, I was one of two white guys on the football team. During some drill or another, the other white guy and I were taking a breather next to each other off to the side of the main group. The head coach (a black guy), yelled out our names and said if those were hoods instead of helmets, I would think you two were having a klan meeting. Get your asses over here. Needless to say, we moved very quickly. ... 48
ItsForADuck_· 8y One of the players on our team played music on the PA before our game which was normal but it said mother fucker in it. The next practice the coach made us run laps for a good hour or so saying I'm a mother fucker while running. Looking back thinking about a bunch of high school kids running around yelling I'm a mother fucker is hilarious to me. ... 37
Dinosaureater . 8y Our coach was yelling and yealling at us at 5:30 in the morning. Не was yelling so hard that he threw up mid sentance and kept going. After he asked How much fun are we going to have?!?! Snarky Kid replies, Zero fun sir Atta boy. ... 7
KingShish . 8y Boxing coach told me to stop reacting when getting hit, though he phrased it don't let him know he's winning  ... 25
 8y We stopped doing our shooting drills after he took a slapshot directly to the eye and was gushing blood all over. God damnit, did I say to stop doing your fucking drill? Hit the boards!. We then skated back and forth between the boards until the ambulance showed up. Не lost his eye. Не was one tough sob and a great hockey coach. ... 101
dont_remember_eatin . 8y Had a really religious coach who refused to swear, even when he would yell at us until he turned purple and we thought he'd pass out. One time, though, he got so frustrated that he tried to swear, but instead he yelled out letters: D-A-M-N-E-I-T! We were silenced. One guy put it together in his head and said Dam-nee-it? Tension broke, and the coach laughed it off and we got back to practicing. Just kidding, we all had to run laps for the rest of practice time. ... 29
getflapjacked . . 8y Little league, early 90's: Right field! Put out that fucking cigarette! ... 4
stnglkab22. 8y One of my teammates was wrestling a blind kid and got a take down to which our coach yelled out, Ooh he didn't see that one coming did he! ... 4
IfukONthe1stDATE 8y My college football coach brought his daughter into our locker room just before kickoff one game. She was a sweet 5 year old and came in with an iPod touch and headphones. Не snatched out her headphones and smashed her iPod on the wall. She starts screaming and crying. Не tells us that it's the other teams fault and to go out there and pay them back for making her cry. We ate that shit up, opening kickoff we forced a fumble and scored a TD a few plays later. We were up 21 fairly quick and ended
cardinalfan828 o 8y At a cross country race in the rain. Our coach told us to bring big plastic trash bags. l'll never forget, put it on like a condom, it will keep you bone dry Also in practice we got the regular, you're not cold, I'll tell you when you're cold ... 2
prey169 . 8y Our college baseball team got introuble for having a party, it got shut down, but the main thing our coach was upset about was that we had 3 kegs. Не screamed at us when he found out THREE WHOLE KEGS!?!?! Man we had to do stairs while in a hotel for about 30 or so minutes... it became a sauna in there... ... 18
ColtonKB55 . 8y My freshman year of high school, a couple days into football training camp there was a Lil Wayne concert in the area that night. Most of the upperclassmen went, and they came in the next morning extremely hungover. Our coach found out about it, and ran us for the entire morning practice. And the entire time while everyone was puking their guts out and dying of exhaustion, our coach blasted Lil Wayne through the stadium sound system. Looking back, it was probably the most hilarious thing our coaches have ever done. ... 3
encognitowhetherman . By Our new club rugby coach is an ex-rugger from the London Harlequinns. Не won't really swear much but has great english banter. Instead of saying 'don't be a pussy', he says 'don't be feable'. Dropped pass? ABSOLUTELY FEABLE JOHNNY! it became our team's favorite terminology and we always use it now aha ... 13
Aloving95 . 8y In middle school I had stomach pain one day and complained to my football coach. Не told me to run it off. I completed the 3 mile run with everyone else because I'm not one to disobey. 6 hours later I was having my appendix out. When I got back he yelled at me for not letting him know it was my appendix. ... 3
HagmanPeace . 8y This isn't a yelling at us example but my HS baseball coach would start acting like he was jacking off when he thought the opposing team was stealing his signs. Always made us laugh and the parents somehow didn't care that he was doing it because our league was so competitive. ... 4
ThatsNoOrdinaryRabbi . . 8y I'm an athletic trainer, and the coach was doing drills with the linemen and he shouted, what kind of stance is that? Are you taking a crap on a cactus?! ... 13


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