15 Bizarre Jobs That Only Exist in the Orbit of Celebrity
Fame is a funny thing. It distorts your view of the world, but it also distorts the world itself. Famous people smell fresh paint wherever they go, don’t have to stand in lines for anything and hear the word “no” vastly less frequently than the rest of us unwashed pieces of shit.
Living in this bubble of agreement has to be quite nice, so when something comes along that either penetrates the bubble by presenting them with an actual real problem, or somehow reminds them of the horrors and ordinariness that exist outside their rarefied circle, it’s horrifying.
So you can see why they all go bonkers, but also become paranoid that anyone outside their closest circle will either want to bleed them dry or just, you know, seem kinda depressing. The answer: the celebrity entourage. You know, like in that famous show, 30 Rock.
A lot of famous people are surrounded constantly by a coterie of Grizzes and Dot Coms, laughing at all their jokes and agreeing with all their ideas. Some, like Adam Sandler, have turned it into an incredibly positive thing — his production empire is pretty much built on a couple of really strong friendships he made in college, and he has somehow created a life where he and his BFFs play basketball all around the world while getting paid — while with others it seems a lot more fragile and precarious, miniature payrolls of sycophants.
Entourages are paid, of course, for the services they provide, even when those services are pretty much “moral support” or “being someone familiar to sit next to backstage.”
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Blunt Roller to the Stars
Snoop Dogg’s recent publicity stunt, where he claimed to have “quit smoke” only to reveal he was promoting a smokeless barbecue, reminded the world he used to employ a professional blunt roller, who assisted with his 81 daily smoke breaks.
Celebrity Nipple-Wrangler
In the new season of Fargo, Jon Hamm’s character sports two pierced nipples, a body modification the actor does not have in real life. This required the employment of a nippleologist, a professional man-titty sculptor, who did a fine job.
Billion-Dollar Bra Manager
One of Oprah Winfrey’s many causes is encouraging women to wear the correct-sized bras, something which — at one point at least — led to her traveling with a designated bra handler to ensure she was always well catered for.
Leading Man Penis Sculptor
The great unwashed have their penises and that’s it, but big stars get to have their own handcrafted ones sculpted to perfection for showing on-screen. SFX legend Matthew Mungle has shaped hogs for Chris Hemsworth, Sebastian Stan and Will Ferrell.
Game Boy Man
Chris “Ludacris” Bridges is entering the family Christmas movie period of his career, but in his peak rap days, he traveled with an entourage so deep one was there just to make sure Luda’s Game Boy never ran out of batteries.
Diva Drink-Destresser
A lot of jobs are beneath Mariah Carey. You couldn’t imagine her plunging a toilet, for instance. But Carey believes the simple act of drinking is a waste of her talents, reportedly employing an assistant to hold her drink and place the straw in her mouth, so all Carey has to do is inhale.
Mariah Carey Carrier
Mariah Carey absolutely deserves two spots on this list, as she has also been known to employ body-lowerers — to make sure she sits down in a way that most complements her outfit — and backwards-walking safety people to catch her if she trips.
Coffee Table to A Pop Legend
When Justin Bieber appeared on SNL in 2013, he brought a gaggle of employees with him, including a pair that — as recounted by cast member Bill Hader in a Howard Stern interview — were there to hold his pizza and Diet Coke respectively.
Celestial Celebrity C-Section Scheduler
A resurgence of interest in astrology has led to a market in birth consultants, where a pregnant celebrity scheduling a C-section will arrange it for a celestially optimal date. Even though that’s, y’know, a big load of shit.
Faux-Foetal Fashion
Kim Kardashian is a very famous, very busy woman. So famous and so busy that, when pregnant, rather than try maternity clothes on herself, she hired someone wearing a prosthetic bump to do so instead.
Billionaire Ball-Wrangler
Larry Ellison, Oracle co-founder and fifth-richest person alive, likes yachts and basketball. In fact, he likes playing basketball on his yachts, so much so that he employs someone to follow in a speedboat, retrieving balls that plummet into the ocean.
A-List Bed-Warmer
Lady Gaga was sued by a former assistant who said she was forced to sleep in Gaga’s bed to keep her company, but to also get up in the middle of the night and change the DVD.
Tourbus Therapist
It’s easy to mock stars taking therapists on tour, but who wouldn’t benefit from having a good listener permanently nearby? Metallica famously enlisted a band therapist to get through some tough times, and 20 years on, they’re doing fine.
Eyebrow Styling Canary
Finding time in Rihanna’s calendar must be an insane task. She’s so busy that, if toying with a new eyebrow styling idea, she will send along a paid lookalike to try it out on them first.
Stunt Baby
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (hey, remember that?) are among the celebrity couples rumored to have enlisted paparazzi-distracting stunt babies for duped photographers to follow round. The world’s broken, isn’t it?
