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29 Things We’re Nostalgic For, But Probably Shouldn’t Be

We couldn’t find our rose-colored glasses for this trip down memory lane

29 Things We’re Nostalgic For, But Probably Shouldn’t Be

November 06, 2023

The second the clock struck 12 on January 1, 1990, we were overcome with nostalgia for the ‘80s. On January 1, 2000, ‘90s nostalgia knocked us six feet back on our asses. We thought we were ready for it, but that old familiar feeling inhabited our bodies like a dang zombie virus in the first seconds of 2010.

The old-school fashion, toys and lyrics, frankly, may have sucked just a tad at the time. But looking back? This stuff is giving us life!

28

CRACKED I WANNA REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANNA ZIG-A-ZIG AH SPICE GIRLS It's bad enough that Mel В insists on and then seemingly refuses to tell us what she really, really wants, but she later said it actually means anything, an ad-lib of sorts, which is somehow worse. — Source

27

CRACKED I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY CAT RIGHT SAID FRED BUDD PUK Never listen too closely to this song, which is really a bleak portrait of self-defeating narcissism, but this pet-owner relationship is even better left unexplored. — Source

26

CRACKED NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK HAD A BUNCH OF HITS, CHINESE FOOD MAKES ME SICK P LFO M LIN This summer jam reads like Jason Mendoza attempting a stream-of-consciousness exercise. — Source

25

MANGO RA WE - adidas Dem COSTUME The Saturday Night Live character (arguably) now reeks of using homophobia for laughs. CRACKED.COM — Source

24

LONG DUK DONG Sixteen Candles is a rough nowadays, but nothing is quite as insufferable as the racist stereotypes the character emobodied. CRACKED.COM — Source

23

FLASHBACK MONICA Almost any character wearing a fat suit for the laughs is just cringey. CRACKED.COM — Source

22

POWER RANGERS Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was a lesson in racial stereotypes, starting with the Rangers' color choices. CRACKED.COM — Source

21

McDonald's McSpaghetti СС on ald's Spaghetti was introduced in the 1970s, when no one was begging the burger company to attempt Italian. However, it did take off in the Philippines where it's still available. CRACKED.COM — Source

20

Taco Bell's Seafood Salad To compete with the Filet-O-Fish, Taco Bell introduced a seafood salad in the 1980s. Unsurprisingly, it was a complete flop. Salad AND seafood? From Taco Bell? Hard pass. CRACKED.COM — Source

19

Each Fact As Good As The Last!

McDonald's Onion Nuggets Onion Nuggets Before the Chicken McNugget, there was the Onion Nugget. Introduced in the 1970s, they were clumps of onions deep-breaded and fried. CRACKED.COM — Source

18

Taco Bell's Bell Beefer In the 1970s, Taco Bell introduced its chili burger. Basically a taco but with a bun instead of a shell. As if there weren't enough fast-food burger options, who thought we needed a harder-to-eat attempt? CRACKED.COM — Source

17

The Gold 'n' Grill just slapped a pineapple slice on a burg. $1.10 CRACKED.COM McDonald's big idea in 1984 was to huck a slab of pineapple on top of a regular cheeseburger, presumably to tear this great nation apart at the seams Hawaiian pizza had exposed. — Source

16

Cringey lyrics from the '80s Poison I Want Action I can't wait to get my hands on them. I won't give up until they give in. If I can't have her, I'll take her and make her. You're gonna make her, Bret Michaels? Well, no means no, Bret Michaels! We'd say this didn't age well, but it wasn't acceptable back then (or ever!). CRACKED — Source

15

Cringey lyrics from the '80s The Beastie Boys Girls I asked her out, she said 'No way.' I should of probably guessed her gay. If a girl isn't into you, she must be gay! Lyrics for the fragile ego of the rejected bro. And it's have, Beastie Boys. You should have probably guessed that she is gay. CRACKED — Source

14

Cringey lyrics from the '80s Wall of Voodoo Mexican Radio I wish / was in Tijuana eating barbecued iguana. They found a genie, and their first wish was to find a rhyming word for Tijuana. Then, of all the things to wish for in the world, they wish for BBQ'd iguana. Third wish: Marijuana. CRACKED — Source

13

Cringey lyrics from the '80s DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince Parents Just Don't Understand And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh. She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far. I almost had a heart attack that day. Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway. Will Smith was 20 when this was released, and even if the song was about his younger self, he picks up this girl while driving his car. Do we need to keep listing reasons this is problematic?! CRACKED — Source

12

New Coke EW! 12 FL OZ 354 mL Coke Trade-mark ® GRACKED.COM After its much-hyped launch in 1985, New Coke crashed and burned so bad its name has become syn- onymous with failure. Ev- eryone can learn a lesson here: Do not buckle to the Pepsi Challenge. — Source

11

Sizzlean Swift sizzlean - - - - - - - - - - - 60% Leaner - - - CRACKED.COM If all that Lean Cuisine and Diet Coke left you sobbing for even one slice of bacon, there was a product for that, too. Sizzlean was a Frankenbacon of various meats pulverized beyond recog- nition, but at least it t - yeah, поре, it still had almost as much fat as regular bacon. — Source

10

Tobacco Gum CRACKED.COM The '80s were a wild time for the chewing gum business, which also insisted on announcing Have some practice chaw, kids! with the introduction of Big League Chew in 1980. The shredded strands of stickiness looked just like that weird-smelling stuff all their favorite baseball players and least-favorite uncle were always chewing. — Source

9

CRACKED.COM BRATZ BABYZ SHOW YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO BE A MINX. I These dolls went through the whole process of being conceived, designed, pitched, approved, manufactured, and distributed, and apparently no one along the line thought of saying, You know, maybe we really shouldn't sexualize babies. — Source

8

CRACKED.COM Easy Bake M FINGERS ARE EASY TO BURN WITH THE it EASY-BAKE. SSS For decades, the Easy-Bake Oven has allowed countless children to bake delicious, diabetes- inducing treats. And fingers. In 2007, the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a huge recall after dozens of incidents of burned fingers, including some second-and third-degree burns. — Source

7

CRACKED COM SPIRIT WAS A JUMBLE OF STEREOTYPES IN THE SHAPE OF AN ACTION FIGURE. Everything about G.I. Joe figure Spirit was a Native American stereotype, starting with his name: Charlie Iron-Knife. His card file described him as a tracker, a shaman, and a mystic warrior. Не also had an American eagle, because we know every Native American is issued one of those. — Source

6

CRACKED COM WHAT'S CUDDLIER THAN A BABY? A PREMATURE BABY! In a misguided attempt at... well, something, Coleco released preemie Cabbage Patch Kids in the 1980s. The preemies were smaller and had less hair that the regular dolls. Not included were the incubator and tubes required to keep real prematures babies alive, as that could have made them less adorable. — Source

5

April O’Neil

CRACKED.COM APRIL O'NEIL WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME. Hey, do you remember that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where April was a streetwalker? Neither do we, but that didn't stop Playmates Toys from releasing this Ravishing Reporter action figure, complete with detachable skirt. — Source

4

CRACKED MAUI TRIED TO MURDER MOANA. MOANA Не starts by dooming the world for selfish reasons, then when Moana needs him to rectify this, he shut her in a cave without food or water, and sails off on her boat. Then he leaves her with those murderous coconuts. — Source

3

SETH'S CRACKED ENTIRE PLOT IS DATE RAPE. SUPERBAD His master plan is to get Emma Stone's character drunk enough to sleep with him. When he discovers she doesn't drink, he whines, gets grabby, and vomits on her. Worse, he seems to be practicing for a string of similar assaults in college. — Source

2

CRACKED JAKE RYAN OFFERS HIS PASSED OUT GIRLFRIEND UP AS A PLAY THING. SIXTEEN CANDLES He's played up as the perfect high school good guy, but why, because he likes the nerdy girl? His infatuation becomes outright stalking, and he hands his drunk, passed out girlfriend to the perverted Anthony Michael Hall saying, Do whatever you want. — Source

1

CRACKED DIRTY HARRY NEEDS A BODYCAM TO KEEP HIM IN CHECK. DIRTY HARRY In one of Clint Eastwood's most iconic films, this rogue cop is supposed to follow a strict code of conduct, but he violates civil rights, abuses prisoners, and kills at will. He's portrayed as good, but he's a menace to society. — Source

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