The 14 Best “Milkman Sleeps with Your Wife” Jokes Ever Told
Back before we really perfected the supermarket, it was someone’s job to go door to door delivering bottles of milk every morning. Many women at the time were essentially captives in their own homes — they couldn’t vote, they couldn’t open a bank account and they were often trapped in loveless, sexless marriages.
So when a strapping young man with a well-creased paper hat came a-knocking? That might be their sole opportunity for human connection. It’s hard to say statistically how true that old trope really is, but it’s certainly stuck around the zeitgeist well past its expiration date.
Here are a few of the more novel and more modern examples of the joke…
Gary Gulman Explains Why This Joke Is a Bit Tired
It Takes a Village
A man heard a rumor, and repeated it to his wife: “Apparently the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street!”
The wife replied, “Ugh, it’s probably that stuck-up so-and-so next door.”
Working Late
I told my wife I’d be working late tonight, so I wouldn’t be home until after midnight. She replied, “That’s the fifth time this week! Are you cheating on me?”
I was gobsmacked. I asked, “Why would you think that?!”
She said, “Because you’re a goddamn milkman!”
A Somewhat Wholesome Twist
A milkman lies in a hospital bed, dying. He’s surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife and a nurse. He turns to his family and says, “Peter, my eldest, I leave you the villas in Beverly Hills. Samantha, my beautiful daughter, to you I give the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza. Charlie, my youngest son, I see a long and bright future in you, so I leave the city center offices to you. And my dear wife, the three residential towers downtown are all yours.”
The nurse turns to the wife and says, “Ma'am, your husband must be very rich to be bequeathing so many properties. You all are so lucky.”
The wife replies, "Rich? Lucky? Are you kidding me? He’s a milkman. He’s giving us his routes.”
Monty Python: Seduced Milkmen
This minute-long, wordless sketch originally appeared on the Python’s TV show, and was later re-shot for their first movie, And Now For Something Completely Different.
Does a Body Good
As a milkman is making his rounds one morning, a beautiful woman answers the door in only a bath towel. She says she’s heard that a milk bath is good for the skin, and asks if he can come to the bathroom and help her. He obliges, bringing his milk along with him.
They arrive, she drops her towel and lays down in the tub. He asks, “Do you need it pasteurized then?” She responds, “No no, up to my boobs will be fine.”
This Foul-Mouthed British Kid Popping Off on ‘Kids Say the Funniest Things’
@lovinglife10
Say Your Prayers
Every night before bed, a little girl prays for her family. The first night, she says, “Goodnight mommy. Goodnight daddy. Goodnight grandma. And goodbye grandpa.” The next day, her grandfather drops dead.
The second night, she prays, “Goodnight mommy. Goodnight daddy. And goodbye grandma.” The next day, her grandmother dies.
The third night, she prays, “Goodnight mommy. And goodbye daddy.” Her father, noticing the pattern, breaks into a cold sweat. He barely sleeps all night, and he can’t concentrate at work all day. He finally gets home, and tells his wife what a stressful day he had. His wife replies, “You think you had a tough day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!”
Michael Jordan Describes His Family Tree to Letterman
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RIP Muffins
A little girl went into her backyard and found her dog, Muffins, laying stiff on its back with its legs up in the air. She asked her father why Muffins looked like that, and he replied, “Well, sweetie, this way Jesus can come down and take Muffins to heaven easier!”
The next day, when her father got home from work, the little girl ran to him and said, “Daddy! Mommy almost died today!”
Flustered, he said, “What happened, honey?!”
The little girl explained, “Well, mommy’s legs were up in the air, and she was screaming, ‘Oh Jesus, I’m coming!’ And if it weren’t for the milkman holding her down, she would’ve been a goner!”
The Luckiest Man Who Ever Lived
A guy tells the bartender, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.
“Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. The wife was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and yelling, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Goofy’s Wife Is Canonically Cheating on Him
In the 1953 short Father’s Day Off, Goofy talks a big game about how easy domestic labor must be when he takes over the house chores from his wife. He’s promptly open-mouth kissed by the milkman.
The Farmer’s Son
A farmer’s son is sitting in his driveway, stirring up a pile of chicken manure with a stick. The milkman walks by and asks what he’s doing. The kid replies, “I’m making a milkman.” Later, the mailman walks by and asks the same thing. The kid replies, “I’m making a mailman.” Finally, a cop walks by and says, “Let me guess, you’re making a cop.” The kid says, “Nope, I don’t have enough chicken shit to make a cop.”
Benny Hill: The Fastest Milkman in the West
Benny Hill was an actual milkman before he became a comedian. His song “Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)” is basically a compilation of every milkman joke in the book.
