The Funniest Dick Jokes Ever Told
Any uncle can rattle off an immature wiener pun while flippin’ tubesteaks on the grill. So let’s take a look at some of the most impactful, highbrow neener gags of all time.
First, a Quick History Lesson
The word “prick” has been a euphemism for penis since the 17th century, and its cousin “dick” appears to have joined it a century later. At that time, “dick” was used to describe a male sexual partner, while so-called “immodest maids” would refer to their boyfriends as “my prick.”
Writer Richard Head — which appears to be an extremely fortuitous nickname, and not a pseudonym — wrote the following in his 1665 satire The English Rogue: “The next Dick I pickt up for her was a man of a colour as contrary to the former, as light is to darkness, being swarthy; whose hair was as black as a sloe; middle statur'd, well set, both strong and active, a man so universally tryed, and so fruitfully successful, that there was hardly any female within ten miles gotten with child in hugger-mugger…”
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Whatever that means.
It appears that both swears were stand-ins for the person, and not specifically his member, for a couple of centuries. “Dick” would simultaneously refer to things like scrutiny from a police officer, a horse whip and even just shorthand for “the dictionary.” But when military folk started using it specifically to refer to their flesh flutes in the 1880s, the euphemism really took off.
Norse Cock Socks
The willy warmer, the wiener sleeve, the cock sock — there are adorable dong accessories available for purchase to make your twig and berries look like an elephant, a festive reindeer, even a dapper guest at a black tie wedding. These things are an inside joke that spans every culture, and can turn any penis-haver into a regular Carrot Top. But their root is actually in rugged mountain culture.
Croatian mountain men wore knitted peenie pockets to protect against frostbite, while Norwegian men favored squirrel fur tubes called “forhyse.” They had an old tradition, kind of a progressive pre-engagement engagement: a young woman would gift her boyfriend a forhyse; if he accepted it, he was marriage material, but if it freaked him out, he was too immature to marry.
A Controversial Dessert Spawns Endless Puns
In the mid-19th century, the Brits created a disgustingly textured and hilariously named treat, as they’re wont to do: spotted dick. One contemporary glossary defined it: “Dick, plain pudding. If with treacle sauce, treacle dick.”
In the aughts, some prominent, proper Brits had a bit of a cultural meltdown over the name. A chain of hospitals and a catering company began calling the dish “Spotted Richard,” in response to the copious and obvious dick puns they had to wade through every day. But both entities stiffened their upper lips and reversed course within a year, deciding their patriotism could withstand the odd dong joke.
The Edgelord Who Set Legal Precedent
In 1994, a high school kid in Massachusetts wore a very ‘90s graphic tee to school that said: “See Dick Drink. See Dick Drive. See Dick Die. Don’t Be a Dick.”
The kid was barred from wearing the shirt again, and argued that his right to free speech had been violated. Initially, a court ruled that it was the school’s right to foster an environment free of dick jokes. But the U.S. Court of Appeals for the First Circuit vacated the decision a year later, saying that “though reasonably thought vulgar,” the shirt was a legitimate expression of a strongly held view. In other words: You’re being a dick, but you’re not technically wrong.
The Small Penis Rule
In legal and publishing circles, The Small Penis Rule is a (mostly hypothetical) defense against charges of libel from public figures. The theory goes that, if you’re lampooning a litigious celebrity, you should throw in a note that this fictional character of yours has a tiny li’l chode. According to one legal scholar, “No male is going to come forward and say, ‘That character with a very small penis, that's me!’”
Michael Crichton put The Small Penis Rule to the test in 2006. After D.C.-based journalist and Yale graduate Michael Crowley wrote a scathing review of State of Fear, Crichton added a new character to his next novel: Mick Crowley, a D.C.-based journalist and Yale graduate with a tiny shriveled little dongle.
The John Thomas Sign
Radiologists have their own highly technical putz pun. The John Thomas Sign, or the Throckmorton Sign, is a clandestine way for medical professionals to refer to the ghost of a pecker that shows up in X-rays. A “positive John Thomas Sign” means the schlong has flopped to the side of the body that the injury is on, while a “negative John Thomas Sign” means it’s pointing away from the fracture.
British tennis pro Andy Murray had to contend with his spectral member in 2019, when X-rays of his hip injury were being discussed by Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain, and his negative John Thomas Sign raised some eyebrows. Murray called in and pleaded, “Please, can you stop discussing my genitals on national TV, I was heavily medicated at the time of posting.”
Genital Origami
You may recall The Penis Game from the 2005 film Waiting… Immature manchildren compete to trick their colleagues into catching a glimpse of their creatively contorted groin meat. That game actually has a long and girthy history dating back to 1996.
That year, Australian weirdo Simon Morley published a calendar called Puppetry of the Penis, featuring 12 eye-catching penile and scrotal “installations.” So many people asked for live instruction, Morley tapped his pal David Friend to help him develop a one-hour stage show featuring skin sculptures like the Big Mac, the Loch Ness Monster, the Wristwatch, the Pelican, the Eiffel Tower, the Hamburger, the Bulldog and the Windsurfer. They’ve performed their show all over the world, on Australian television and were the subject of the 2000 documentary Tackle Happy.
Hey man, do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.
