The Funniest Blonde Jokes Ever Told

Save us, Dolly Parton!
The Funniest Blonde Jokes Ever Told

Historical blonde jokes aren’t as well-documented as other classics, like fart jokes, for example. The people who study this type of thing tend to agree that they’re just lazily recycled versions of older jokes, that replace racism and xenophobia with sexism.

But the genre does have some notable subversions! If you can sit through a bummer of a history lesson, you’ve got Dolly Parton waiting on the other side…

‘The First Officially Recorded Dumb Blonde’

Despite the lack of documentation, there is an actual historical figure who, according to historian Joanna Pitman, “acquired the dubious honor of becoming the first officially recorded dumb blonde.”

Catherine-Rosalie Gerard Duthé was a French nun, ballet dancer and courtesan in the late 18th and early 19th centuries. She was talented, captivating and fair-haired, every artist’s favorite model and every European king’s favorite companion. She was also, predictably, ruthlessly criticized for the very things that made her a pop-culture sensation. She was kind of the Britney Spears of her time.

She had a particularly notable habit of “pausing for extended periods of time before speaking.” Some might call this act “thinking,” but the French decided this made her dumber than a beret full of baguettes. In 1775, she was lampooned in a one-act satire called Les Curiosités de la Foire, or Curiosities of the Fair, in much the same way late-night hosts made hay of Britney Spears in the aughts. 

It’s actually pretty sad! Duthé hated it! But the show is said to have “kept Paris laughing for weeks,” so technically, one of the most successful blonde jokes out there.

Meta Blonde Jokes

You know how a blonde joke works. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde do something, the blonde does it wrong, because she’s dumb and incapable, the patriarchy grows stronger. With all due respect: yawn. If we’re going to dig into this joke, let’s skip the base model and start with some jokes that have a twist. 

This one shows the subject as very capable, if prone to misunderstanding the assignment: “After seeing the price of alligator hide shoes, a blonde woman declared, ‘Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’ The shopkeeper said, ‘Go right ahead!’

“The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted the young woman standing waist-deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He watched as a huge nine-foot gator swam straight toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

“Nearby were seven more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration, ‘Dang it! This one is barefoot too!’”

Then there’s this one, that very eloquently lays out how this type of joke is inherently pretty punch-y down-y:

Blonde: I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and men like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!

Ventriloquist: I’m sorry ma’am but—

Blonde: You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little idiot on your knee.

The Counter-Revolution

But wait! We can go more subversive than that! In the 20th century, popular culture began to examine the trope, and turn it back on itself, like a wascally wabbit making Elmer Fudd’s rifle pull a U-turn. 

A notable, though flawed, early ally was cartoonist Murat Bernard Young, who drew two extremely popular comic strips. Dumb Dora was about a space cadet brunette, while Blondie was about a smart, capable mother whose husband was the bumbling, glassy-eyed doofus.

Then, thank god, there’s Dolly Parton. Her 1966 song “Dumb Blonde” led the charge for a time in dismantling the trope. She also happens to have dropped one of the best blonde jokes of all time: “I know I’m not dumb. I’m also not blonde.”

Existentialist Blonde Jokes

This one is hyper-specific, but it’s a fabulous chapter in the history of a somewhat bleak trope. The New Yorker’s “Existentialist Blonde Jokes,” written by Alex Baia back in 2021, subverts some of the most tired blonde jokes out there:

How do you drown a blonde?

Remind her that life is inane, repetitive and intrinsically meaningless.

How do you know if a blonde’s been using your computer?

Your screen is covered in Wite-Out, and your desk is covered in Wite-Out, and so is your chair and your filing cabinet and every other object in your home office.

And this shocks you, and you stand there, stunned, until the significance of the blonde’s Wite-Out spree hits you like a two-by-four.

Nothing can be erased.

We are condemned to be free, and each of our acts is an indelible stamp on everyone we’ve ever touched.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Lament the absurdity of a world where science is used for war.

Blonde Jokes for Men

Oh shit, you thought blonde jokes were just about women??

Well, statistically, they kind of are. One study in the Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment found that 63 percent of blonde jokes in circulation have women in the crosshairs, while only 5 percent are about men. I dug up a few zingers about dopey Aryan bros to end us on a high note:

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.”

“Is this her first child?” asks the doctor.

“No,” he shouts. “This is her husband!”

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asks, “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says, “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

A woman called up her blond neighbor and said, “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

The blond man replied, “Joke’s on all of you — I wasn’t even home yesterday!”

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