14 Jokes From Stand-Up Comedians That Are Like Acupuncture for Your Brain

We know all the right spots
14 Jokes From Stand-Up Comedians That Are Like Acupuncture for Your Brain

Okay, full disclosure: we’re not exactly “licensed” acupuncturists. But we’ve been sticking thumbtacks through our fingertips for literal decades, so, a surer hand you’re unlikely to find.

Bob Hope Had Been Around the Block

“I’ve been with NBC so long. I was here when the peacock was just an egg.”

Demetri Martin Is Unimpressed With Zoological Nomenclature

“When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy. ‘What’s he doing?’ ‘Eating ants.’ ‘Done!’”

George Burns on the Tragedy of Getting Older

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

Victoria Wood’s Recipe for Success in the Bedroom

“Foreplay is like beef burgers — three minutes on each side.”

Matt Price Isn’t Hard to Escape From

“I’m 20 stone, so being stalked by me is like heart disease. If you really want to avoid it, just start jogging.”

Ken Dodd Says Safe Sex Is Important

“Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.”

Steve Martin Speaks for Us All

“All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.”

Mitch Hedberg Was a Conscientious Plant Dad

“There’s a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says, ‘You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.’ Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean.”

Doug Stanhope’s Compelling Case Against Democracy

“Democracy is the worst kind of government. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?”

Steven Wright Has Devised a Kind of Perpetual Motion Machine

“I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”

David Mitchell’s Sex Education

“As a teenager, I was confused that there was lots of different words for ‘sex.’ I thought each of the words for ‘sex’ meant something distinct. I thought there were many more different kinds of sex things that I was going to have to get my head around before I became an adult. But then I realized that most of them referred to the same sort of basic penis penetration stuff. And that’s how I came to understand the richness of the English language.”

Gary Delaney Is His Own Christmas Tree Stand

“I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.’”

Demetri Martin Does His Part to Keep Waste Out of the Landfills

“I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it. I didn’t want to throw it away, so I just added -ish to every number.”

Mitch Hedberg Says Safety First

“I got a fire alarm at home, but it’s more like a nine-volt battery slowly-drainer. ‘Do you want to slowly get rid of your nine-volt batteries? Then buy this circle.’”

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