14 Illuminating Jokes From Stand-Up Comedians That Feel Like a Crotch-Punch to the Brain

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14 Illuminating Jokes From Stand-Up Comedians That Feel Like a Crotch-Punch to the Brain

Have you ever heard a joke so good, it makes you double over and grab your junk? Buddy, you’re about to read 14 of ‘em.

Mitch Hedberg on Giving Back to the Community

“I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.”

Bo Burnham on Picking Your Partner

“They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother. So I’m so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would have been uh, you know... dead.”

Demetri Martin Says to Choose Your Words Wisely

“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”

Steven Wright’s Supermarket Hack

“The sign said ‘eight items or less.’ So I changed my name to Les.”

Rodney Dangerfield’s Extracurricular Activity

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”

Bill Burr on Man’s Best Friend

“It’s not until you’re an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on you, bankers fuck up your 401K. Then you come home and that dog’s looking at you, and he’s like, ‘Dude, you’re awesome!’ It’s like, ‘No, dude, you’re fucking awesome!’”

Mitch Hedberg on Personal Security

“I walked by a spy shop — you know, one of those places that sell surveillance equipment. Every time I walk by a spy shop I think, ‘I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick’s been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can.’”

At Least Dough Stanhope Is Honest About His Unearned Aloofness

“I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.”

George Carlin’s Worst Habit

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

Joan Rivers Had a Complicated Relationship With Her Mother

“When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, ‘Will she live?’ He said, ‘Only if you take your foot off her throat.’”

Bob Saget Said Manifesting Can Only Take You So Far

“Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking or show business.”

Steven Wright Is Pepe Silva-ing the Institution of Elementary Education

“In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”

Bo Burnham on How Social Media Has Democratized Culture

“YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13-year-old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.”

Take Mitch Hedberg’s Advice If You’re Getting Ready for Some Fun in the Sun

“I saw a commercial for an aboveground pool, it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an aboveground pool.”

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