15 Pithy Jokes and Quotes to Fill the Last Vacant Crevices of Your Brain
You’ve got a lot of data gunking up that brain of yours. If you can’t forget the combination to your seventh-grade locker, you can at least plaster over it with some comedy…
Doctors Hate Lucille Ball’s One Weird Trick
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.”
Rhys James Says Sometimes the Universe Is Random and Cruel
“People who say ‘Everything happens for a reason’ have never shit themselves on public transport.”
Addison H. Hallock Was Obviously Stiffed by a Cousin
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.”
Mark Nelson Knows a Thing or Two About Geopolitics
“Before Brexit, the Withdrawal Agreement was just me and my wife’s preferred method of contraception.”
Judith Martin Says Malice Is an Art
“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”
Ian Smith Lets His Loved Ones Do the Heavy Emotional Labor
“I’m not very empathetic, but I have friends who are, so I just imagine how they must feel.”
Bob Saget Had His Limitations
“I wouldn’t hurt a flea. I’d finger a spider though.”
Glenn Moore Has a Note for Mr. Spielberg
“I think the next Jurassic World film should be called A Reptile Dysfunction.”
Malcolm Forbes Says a Little Knowledge Is a Dangerous Thing
“It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.”
Izzy Mant’s Words of Encouragement
“You're supposed to say ‘Break a leg’ to actors. Break a leg? It’s not even relevant. That’s like saying to a 100-meter hurdler, ‘I hope you forget your lines!’”
Dale Carnegie Knew a Thing or Two About Fools
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain. And most do.”
Joe Sutherland Lived a Charmed Life
“In my school, kids thought I was posh because I had a PlayStation and a dad. Not in the same house. I’m not royalty.”
Mike Bechtle Says You’re in the Driver’s Seat
“People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.”
Billy Arthur on What We Now Call ‘Adulting’
“You’re only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.”
Charlie Brown Could Always Find Something to Freak Out About
“Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!”
