15 Jokes That Are Like a Get-Out-of-Depression-Free Card

This card may be kept until needed or sold
15 Jokes That Are Like a Get-Out-of-Depression-Free Card

It’s your lucky day! This list entitles the reader to escape 1 (one) bout of depression, malaise or melancholy.

Garrison Keillor on the Sad Irony of a Nice Funeral

“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.”

Eric Morecambe’s Wife Is Just Never Happy

“I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.”

Frank Carson Must Have Gotten an Early Neuralink Brainchip

“I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn’t work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.”

George Burns Discovered a Career Hack

“Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

We Never Knew Gilbert Gottfried Was a Religious Man

“I was talking to Jesus, and I said, ‘Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me.’ And Jesus looked at me and said, ‘You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.’”

Groucho Marx Says We All Start at More or Less the Same Starting Line

“Although it’s generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.”

Tom Snyder Respects His Elders

“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.”

Robert Benchley Discovered a Productivity Hack

“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.”

It’s Jackie Martling’s Lucky Day

“It’s a good thing I had my mouth open. That bird would’ve shit right on my face.”

Leslie Nielsen’s Sisyphean Task

“Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.”

Jack Benny Was a Storyteller. A Bad One, But a Truthful One

“Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.”

William Lowe Bryan Skewered Higher Education

“A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.”

Henny Youngman Found Out Airlines Don’t Take Requests

“Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, ‘Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.’ She said, ‘We can’t do that!’ I told her, ‘You did it last week!’”

Fran Lebowitz Says Math Is a Mirage

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”

Harry Hill Had a Bad Falling Out

“I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.”

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?