15 Dark Jokes to Brighten Your Day
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From behind the gloomy clouds of depression comes a beacon of hope: an even darker cloud of risque jokes and bummer scenarios.
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Anthony Jeselnik on Childhood Grief
“When I was a little kid, I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle. Kept him in an aquarium. One summer I went away to camp. While I was gone at camp, the turtle died. When I got home, my dad lied to me. He said, ‘Anthony, your turtle is alive and well. It just went to go live with your mother.’ I believed that until a couple days later. I was digging around in the backyard and found my mom’s body. Worst day of my life. I loved that turtle.”
Rod Stewart Wants to Skip the Hard Part of Divorce
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”
Jim Carrey Has Your Back, Ladies
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jack Dee Knows His Limits
“I’ve had my run-ins with booze. It’s well-documented. So what I can say from experience is that it takes a lot of guts and perseverance and courage to stop drinking. Which is why I haven’t.”
Dennis Miller Knows Which Side His Bread Is Buttered On
“Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.”
Charlie Brooker on Worshiping a Vengeful God
“It’s like fellating someone who intermittently stubs (cigarettes) out on your head for no good reason. And we all know how unsatisfying that can be.”
Bill Bailey Recognizes That Life Is a Zero-Sum Game
“Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.”
Stewart Lee on the Last Person You’d Want to Hear From During a Catastrophe
“Dan Brown is not a good writer. The Da Vinci Code isn’t literature. Dan Brown writes sentences like ‘the famous man looked at the red cup.’ It’s only to be hoped that Dan Brown never gets a job where he’s required to break bad news. ‘Doctor is he going to be alright?’ ‘The 75-year-old man died a painful death on the large green table… it was sad.’”
Russell Howard’s Least Favorite Cake
“If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?’”
Greg Davies Has So Much Love to Give
“The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I’m of no sexual threat whatsoever. I’m 42 years of age; I literally have to hit it with nettles. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.”
Rhod Gilbert’s Junk Is Nearly Half a Century Old
“Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. It’s 46 years old, my penis. Forty-six! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!”
Gary Delaney Ruined His Small Family Car
“I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel. She died.”
Billy Connolly Believes Life Is Literally Built on Lies
“Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.”
Anthony Jeselnik Knows His Great Gran’s Heart
“My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she committed suicide, but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.”
Jack Dee’s Nightmare Neighbor
“My local newspaper had this advert, ‘Please look after your neighbors in the cold weather,’ and shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman. Do you know, not once has she come round to see if I’m alright. Lazy cow hasn’t even taken her milk in for a fortnight!”
