14 Goofy Jokes That Spilled Out of a Clown Car
You’re about to get run over by a stampede of nose-honking, seltzer-spritzing, tie-spinning, clown-ass jokes…
Mitch Hedberg’s Sleepovers Sound Fun
“I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s place. He said, ‘You’re gonna have to sleep on the floor.’ Damn gravity. You got me again. You know how badly I want to sleep on the wall.”
Tim Vine on Customer Dissatisfaction
“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. It was just collecting dust.”
Bo Burnham Just Doesn’t Care Anymore
“I’m constipated, couldn’t give a shit.”
Milton Jones’ Fond Memory of His Mother
“One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window, as we played hide and seek, and she said, ‘You’re getting warmer.’”
Bill Bailey Pulled Himself Up by His Bootstraps
“Toughest job I ever had: Selling doors, door to door.”
Michael McIntyre Doesn’t Want to Grow Up
“You don’t get that much fun when you’re an adult, do you? The most fun we get is revolving doors.”
Jimmy Carr’s Important Sex Tip
“Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’”
Tim Vine Is One Cool Customer
“I went down to the local supermarket. I said, ‘I want to make a complaint — this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.’”
Milton Jones Better Hope Laughter Is the Best Medicine
“My Aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her ‘I can’t believe she’s not better.’”
Russell Howard Should’ve Just Followed the Rules
“I was in a museum. Everywhere it said, ‘Don’t take photos.’ I was taking a photo, and a nine-year-old girl says, ‘What are you doing?’ ‘I’m taking a photo.’ She ran off, ‘I’m off to tell the man!’ Now, the last thing you want is to be chasing a nine-year old girl across a museum going, ‘Don’t tell the man, don’t tell the man! I’ll delete the photo!’ That doesn’t look good.”
Sarah Millican Knows It Doesn’t Pay to Be a Leader
“I read that two-thirds of women don’t bathe or shower every day. My first reaction was ‘that’s disgusting.’ My second reaction was to start sniffing my friends. My third reaction was ‘well, if they’re not doing it, I’m not.’”
Bill Bailey Can’t Keep Up
“How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! No eight!”
Milton Jones Has Some Regrets
“Hopefully, I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.”
Tim Vine Is a Good Neighbor
“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’”
