14 Snappy Jokes That’ll Give You a Laugh and Send You on Your Way

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14 Snappy Jokes That’ll Give You a Laugh and Send You on Your Way

The English language is about 1,400 years old. It seems almost impossible that it took this long for someone to string together these words in this particular order.

Mitch Hedberg’s Career Goals

“I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver.”

Bo Burnham’s Pickup Line of Phoebe Bridgers, Maybe

“I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.”

Demetri Martin on Serial Monogamy

“Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.”

Steven Wright Had a Hard Time Moving Off the Grid

“I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open.”

George Carlin Learned to Play the Game

“Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning 18, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

Anthony Jeselnik to Donald Trump

“Donald, I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie Wall Street is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer.”

Mitch Hedberg Didn’t Need A.I. to Not Get His Degree

“I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.”

Demetri Martin on Communing with Nature

“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.”

Doug Stanhope on Elite Athletes

“A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!”

Bo Burnham Had Ya in the First Half

“I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock-hard misdirection.”

Anthony Jeselnik Believes America Is Ready for Lasting Progress

“Perhaps I’m being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.”

Steven Wright Has Very Patient Neighbors

“I went over to the neighbor’s and asked to borrow a cup of salt. ‘What are you making?’ ‘A salt lick.’”

George Carlin’s Timeless Wisdom

“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”

Doug Stanhope on the One Wrong Way to Support a Cause You Believe In

“‘Raising awareness’ is another form of doing nothing!”

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