15 Jokes to Shatter Your Doldrums
You’ve really done it this time, you gloomy sense of generalized malaise! These jokes are going to deck you right in your dreary little face.
Lisa Lampanelli Is Proud of Her Boyfriend
“He’s not technically a lawyer, but he’s got three court cases next week.”
Bo Burnham Knows He’s Got a Babyface
“When I tried to hit puberty, I swung and I missed.”
Rodney Dangerfield Turns to the Lord in Times of Trouble
“I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the 10th floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, ‘On your mark…’”
Chris Rock Weighs in on College Sports
“Black people dominate sports in the United States. Twenty percent of the population, and 90 percent of the Final Four.”
Taylor Tomlinson Found an Underrated Bummer of Growing Up
“When you have a nightmare as a kid, you can run somewhere for comfort. You can go to your parents, ‘I had a dream there was a werewolf and a vampire, and my hands were snakes.’ They’re like, ‘You’re an idiot! Go back to sleep. None of that’s real. Why did we have you?’ You’re like, ‘Okay, awesome.’
“As an adult, you wake up from nightmares: ‘I had a dream there was an earthquake and I got cancer and you cheated on me.’ Everybody’s like, ‘Oh, yeah, that’ll probably happen.’ They’re not even dreams. They’re just premonitions.”
Billy Connolly Wonders: Does Milk Do a Body Good?
“Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?”
Demetri Martin Has Found There Is No Cure for Craftiness
“Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”
Norm Macdonald Deserves Some Respect
“Chess players think checker players are dumb. But I love playing checkers. Plus, the red ones are tasty.”
Steven Wright Asking the Tough Questions
“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”
Doug Stanhope Takes Charlie Chaplin Down a Peg
“Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.”
Sarah Millican Can’t Tell the Difference Between a Picnic and a Murder
“I’m not used to country living. Every time I see someone with a big marquee tent in their garden, I don’t think, ‘Ooo, someone’s having a nice summer party!’ I think, ‘Ooo, someone’s been murdered.’”
Jack Whitehall Gives the Gift That Keeps on Giving
“I wait for my mum to buy a new bit of machinery for their house, and then I tell my 76-year-old dad that said piece of machinery is voice-activated. You have not known true joy until you have seen a 76-year-old man tell an electric blanket to go fuck itself.”
Jack Dee Says Alcoholism Is All About Perspective
“I read an article that said if you regularly drink two glasses of wine a day, you could be well on your way to becoming an alcoholic. I thought, ‘If I regularly drank two glasses of wine a day, I’d be well on my way to being cured of alcoholism.’”
Tim Vine Likes to Break a Mental Sweat
“I said to the gym instructor, ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’”
Milton Jones Has Some Good Advice for Aspiring Criminals
“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!”
