15 Dark Humor Jokes to Tickle Your Bummer Bone
Been having a pretty good day? Maybe you caught up with your family, popped off a bunch of emails, feel like you’re going into the weekend with a good head of steam? Worried you’re almost in too good of a mood? Read a few of these jokes, they’ll bring you right back down to Earth.
Bill Bailey on Expanding Your Horizons
“Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don’t actually think that’s the first thing he wrote. He probably wrote ‘my brain is melting’ 10,000 times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.”
Chris Rock on Geography
“The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. About a 35-hour flight. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here.”
Billy Connolly on Saving Money as a Parent
“Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.”
Alex Horne Has a Classic Avoidant Attachment Style
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”
Mark Watson on Inadequate Fatherly Advice
“My dad said, ‘Always leave them wanting more.’ Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.”
Joe Lycett Has a Punch-up for Forrest Gump
“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
Milton Jones Knows His Zoology
“You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”
Doug Stanhope Has a Hypothesis
“I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.”
Lewis Black’s Nostalgic Look Back at the Early Years Post-9/11
“And then there’s the Homeland Security system. They had it color-coded, like we’re in fucking elementary school! Simplify it. There should be just three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, FUCK ME!”
Norm Macdonald Spitting Unfortunate Truth
“They call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.”
Frankie Boyle Looking on the Brighter Side of Death
“People who think there’s no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase ‘drug-fueled sex heart attack.’”
Jimmy Carr on the Persistent Homelessness Problem
“No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.”
Anthony Jeselnik on the Funny Little Stories We Tell Our Children
“When I was in high school, my high school employed a blind janitor. One hundred percent totally blind. All the other kids would joke around that he went blind from masturbating too much. At the time, I believed that. I was just a kid. I didn’t know any better. It wasn’t until I got older, wiser, that I realized that’s just an old wives’ tale they used to use to try to explain why he was always masturbating.”
Ricky Gervais Makes a Compelling Argument for Indulging in Your Vices
“Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.”
Katherine Ryan on Significant Age Gaps
“Celine Dion’s husband met her when he was 38 years old and she was 12. Now, I do have to say, he met her when he was 38 and she was 12, and they worked together. He was her manager. And nothing sexual happened between them until the magical evening of her 18th birthday when they fell in love.”
