15 Roast Jokes You’ll Wish You Knew Back in Your Playground Days

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15 Roast Jokes You’ll Wish You Knew Back in Your Playground Days

If you had the vocabulary of a grown adult, you really could have put those fourth graders in their place.

Bill Burr Says You’re Enduring an Implicit Roast Every Time You Go into Work

“You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, ‘You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’”

It Sure Sounds Like Joan Rivers Is Making an Inappropriate Fat Joke Here

“Elizabeth Taylor, fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”

Don Rickles Was Doing Crowdwork Back in 1992

“Is that your wife, sir? Jesus… what was it, a train?”

Ellen Barkin Roasting Roseanne

“You totally changed the way men do not give a fuck about women’s opinions.”

This Barrage of Childish Cruelty from ‘Dumb and Dumber’

Harry: Weirdo.

Lloyd: Sucker of big, brown dirty eggs.

Harry: Idiot.

Lloyd: Fried teeth-licker of salmon fried fish!

Harry: Moron.

Lloyd: Raider of the Lost Fart!

Harry: Rump roast.

Lloyd: Licker of dirty chicken butts.

Harry: Buttfish.

Lloyd: Masterbatorio… Er, soiler of towels.

Nicholas Andre: SHUT UP!

The 1940 Film ‘His Girl Friday’ Has a Solid Roast for Any Spies You Encounter

“Listen, you square-toed, insignificant pimple-headed spy!”

Don Rickles, Remembering His First Interaction with Frank Sinatra

“I said, ‘Stand up, Frank, be yourself — and hit somebody.’”

This One from ‘Coming to America’ Cuts to the Quick

“Now, let’s see if you can defend yourself, you sweat from a baboon’s balls.”

This Timeless Burn from 1996’s ‘The Long Kiss Goodnight’

“Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?”

‘Vertical Limit’ Asks an Age-Old Question

“100,000 sperm, and you were the fastest?”

Joan Rivers with the Self-Own

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

1971’s ‘Big Jake’ Has a Straight-to-the-Point All-Timer

“You’re short on ears and long on mouth.”

Don Rickles Took Aim at Johnny Carson on His Own Show

“This is a good jacket — come in with cotton candy tomorrow night, and you can work the carnival.”

‘Home Alone’s Got the Perfect Burn for the Runt of your Litter

“You’re what the French call, ‘Les Incompetents.’”

‘Liar Liar’ Goes Hard on the Alliteration

“He’s a pedantic pontificating pretentious bastard. A belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow-dung.”

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