14 Dark Humor Jokes That Will Elicit More of an Upside-Down Frown Than a Smile
Smiles and laughs are so pre-pandemic. Any modern comic worth their salt is making people desperately sad or uncontrollably angry.
Frankie Boyle on Expensive Ceremonial Funerals
“Three million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For three million, you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.”
Jimmy Carr on Religious Intellectuals
“Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except Labradors.”
Suzy Izzard Weighs in on God
“If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.”
Ricky Gervais with the Edgelord’s Anthem
“Remember, if you don’t sin, then Jesus died for nothing.”
Katherine Ryan’s Got a Novel Take on Taking a Minor Across International Borders
“You know that guy who got done for taking a 15-year-old to Paris? Anyone who’s been on holiday with a teenager knows that man deserved a medal, not prison.”
Michael McIntyre Makes a Good Point, re: Arses
“I have never towel-dried my arse in my entire life. I don’t need to. I don’t leak water from my arse.”
Russell Howard Documented an Extremely Dark Childhood Fantasy
“My cousin’s six. I was talking to him the other day, and I said, ‘What do you want to be when you’re older?’ He looked at me and went, ‘A unicorn!’ And I was like, ‘Why is that?’ He said: ‘So I can stab people with my head!’”
Sarah Millican’s Got One Way to Look at Aging
“I just need to make it to 34, and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.”
Anthony Jeselnik with the Misdirect
“My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet. Oh my God, that fucking thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.”
Anthony Jeselnik on the Wrong Reason to Have a Child
“My sister had a baby to try to ‘save the relationship.’ But I still don’t talk to her.”
Frankie Boyle on the Quickest Possible Apocalypse
“Scientists have just built the world’s biggest supercollider, and they’re doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment’s successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will come up that says: Level Two.”
Jimmy Carr let this one hang in the air for a moment:
“Say what you want about the deaf…”
At Least Gervais Knows He’s a Weenie
“I can have a go at the French cause I’m half French, half English with a stupid name like Gervais. No I am, I’m half French, half English and, um, I’ve got qualities of both, French and English which is good, so um… I’m crap in bed, but at least I’ve got bad breath.”
You Have to Imagine Joan Rivers Would Have Approved of This Katherine Ryan Joke
“Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that final surgery — to stop aging. Finally, she nailed it.”
