14 Excellent Self-Deprecating Jokes and Burns

You vs. the world? Nah, too easy. Try taking on a more worthy foe: yourself
14 Excellent Self-Deprecating Jokes and Burns

Think about it: No one knows your strengths and weaknesses better than you do. So the only way to toughen up is to beat the heck out of your own psyche. In that case, take a few tips from some of the best…

Rodney Dangerfield Couldn’t Get Lucky to Save His Life

“A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!”

Maria Bamford Knows That Taking Advice Literally Still Counts as Taking Advice

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”

Joan Rivers Dropped Possibly the Most Scathing Self-Own of All Time

“My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.”

Twitter User robsungirl Has a Brutal Inner Monologue

me: i’m so funny i lov myself!!
anxiety: if youre so funny then why are u on ur own tonight

Bo Burnham Must Learn to Embrace His Boyish Charm

“When I tried to hit puberty, I swung and I missed.”

Taylor Tomlinson on Trying to Psych Herself Up

“Have you tried to give yourselves an adult pep talk lately? Yeah, it’s laughable. It’s impossible. You can pep yourself up when you’re a kid, ‘cause you still believe in stuff, like Santa and magic and the government. You still think there are forces at work for you. So you can shadowbox in the bathroom mirror: ‘You’re going to do it ‘cause you’re great, and I believe in you.’ As an adult, you’re just leaning on that sink, like, ‘You’re gonna do it ‘cause what other goddamn choice do you have?’”

This Old Proverb That’s Been Bouncing Around the Internet

“Feel free to use me as a bad example. That way, I won’t be totally useless.”

Demetri Martin Knows He’s a Weirdo

“I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.”

Norm Macdonald: Compulsive Liar

“You ever lie for no reason at all? Just all of sudden, a big lie spills out of your evil head. Like a guy will come up to you, ‘Hey, did you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and a horse?’ And you go, ‘Yes.’ In the back of your head, you’re like, ‘What in the hell am I lying about over here? I stand to gain nothing by this lie.’”

Anthony Jeselnik: Aspiring Dad and Idiot

“Doctor just told me I can’t have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, ‘Why? No one’s gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.’”

Rodney Dangerfield Knew How to Look on the Bright Side, Despite Himself

“If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.”

Bob Saget Was Unlucky in Love

“I thought my girlfriend told me I was her soulmate, but what she said was ‘cellmate.’”

Bianco Del Rio Has More Emotional Range Than She’s Given Credit For

“People say I don’t have feelings, but I have seven.”

Andy Samberg’s Roast on Natasha Leggero Backfired

“Natasha Leggero is here. She’s basically an unknown, but tonight, we’re getting paid the same amount of money. Got you. Well, guess what, Natasha? You can do everything I can do, but I can never experience the miracle of birthing a child — roasted you.”

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