15 Jokes to Lift You Up by Your Emotional Bootstraps

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15 Jokes to Lift You Up by Your Emotional Bootstraps

Feeling a little down in the dumps? You don’t need therapy or a living wage, all you need is a little gumption — and 15 zingers from professional comedians.

Bo Burnham’s Anatomy Lesson Is Hard to Argue

“The average person has one fallopian tube.”

Rodney Dangerfield Is Not a Fan of Voyeurism

“I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a Peeping Tom booing me.”

Taylor Tomlinson Knows Her Role

“I’ve never been the life of the party. At best, I’m the faint pulse of a potluck.”

Demetri Martin’s Reminder to Water Your Succulents

“About a month ago, I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’”

RIP Norm Macdonald, You Would Have Loved the Male Loneliness Epidemic

“I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.”

Jim Gaffigan on Parental Burnout

“Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It’s always, like, the first kid: ‘You were named after grandma’; the seventh kid: ‘You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.’”

Doug Stanhope’s Rebuttal to an Old Adage

“Don’t learn from other people’s mistakes. That’s the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. You might be the first guy who could do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!”

George Carlin Has a Handy Tip for Life and For Lunch

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”

Anthony Jeselnik Turning His Roasting Scope on His Own Family

“My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.”

Joan Rivers on Double Standards

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.”

Bob Saget Knows His Most Valuable Assets

“I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of a 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.”

Bill Burr Knows That Representation Matters

“You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. He’s like the first guy from my reading level, the first guy from my math class to finally go out and do something!”

Frankie Boyle Believes Life Imitates Art

“People say that Steve Jobs died too soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life.”

Jimmy Carr on the Sneaky Ways Infidelity Can Rear Its Ugly Head

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'”

Ricky Gervais on Death and Dumb-Dumbs

“Remember, when you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. It’s only painful for others. The same applies when you’re stupid.”

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