8 Happy News Stories to Heal Your Brain From the Hell We Occupy

Panning for mental health gold in the river of despair!
8 Happy News Stories to Heal Your Brain From the Hell We Occupy

Good end of week to all! I am here with a mission, one that feels like it was perhaps a joint project cooked up between my editor and my psychiatrist. That mission is to search for bits of good occurring in a world in which the human population seems ever more like planetary scabies thats developed the capacity for self-awareness. Thinking like that is exactly why I need to focus on the upside, I suppose!

Lets go!

Plastic Bag Bans Are Working

Your local shopperys insistence that you bring your own bag, and stern-faced tsk-tsking whenever you dont, might feel ineffective and punishing. More designed to store guilt in your head than clear trash from the globe. Its not as bad as constant quibbling over getting one goddamn straw a day, but close. Well, comfort yourself with the fact that the annoyance is working: Just in New Jersey, an estimated 5.5 billion plastic bags annually have been eliminated with the ban.

In-Vitro Fertilization Could Save Rhinos


Soon, there could be two or even three rhinos in this picture!

Rhinos are an absolute top-tier animal. You dont need to poll anyone outside of a group of six-year-olds at a playground to know that. We must work tirelessly to maintain the population of our most kick-ass animals, especially ones with cool horns that charge at people and have their own Spider-Man villain. So its good news that scientists have successfully impregnated a rhino with in-vitro fertilization, something that could save the endangered northern white rhino in particular.

New York City Wiping Out $2B In Medical Debt

Im no fan of Eric Adams. But I have to give credit where credits due for positive achievements, so I applaud the recent move to eliminate $2 billion in medical debt for New Yorkers. To be honest, this is the best chance providers ever had of seeing that money, since most people I know with medical debts general plan is to, eventually, die.

Dog Rescues Owner From Frozen Lake


It probably did have a little too much fun doing it.

Nothing like a classic Lassie situation to cheer the weary bones. A dog named Ruby rose to the occasion when her owner fell through the thin ice of a lake in Michigan. Ruby did a lot more than just get help, too. She was an essential part of the rescue operation, carrying a rope out onto ice too thin to support a human's weight and delivering it to her owner, who better start giving her that crazy expensive dog food you keep in your fridge.

Overdraft Fees Getting Slashed

Its hard to find a downside to the elimination of something that pretty much everyone in the country, outside of the most ravenous bootlicker, would agree is bullshit: overdraft fees. They are, by not only definition but by necessity, something that targets people who are already in dire straits. Theyre not being eliminated completely, but legislation is being proposed to at least heavily limit the fees in question, because banks pockets are generally full enough.

Gene Therapy Curing Deafness in Children

This one is a double-whammy. A study has announced that gene therapy is a very promising procedure for restoring hearing to deaf children. Obviously, right off the bat thats great news. Even better, well be able to double-dip in joy when YouTube is later flooded with those videos of them hearing for the first time. Major depressive disorder in absolute shambles!

Thief Had A Lil Puppy in His Pocket


Not the dog in question, but still delightful.

Okay, this probably wasnt that enjoyable for the lady this guy allegedly snatched a purse from. You know who didnt know that was wrong, though? The tiny, thoroughly adorable blue-eyed pit bull curled up in his jacket pocket like a big Cheez Doodle. Her name? Frappy. If youre still feeling glum, say that out loud a couple times.

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