8 Happy News Stories to Heal Your Brain From the Hell We Occupy
Good end of week to all! I am here with a mission, one that feels like it was perhaps a joint project cooked up between my editor and my psychiatrist. That mission is to search for bits of good occurring in a world in which the human population seems ever more like planetary scabies that’s developed the capacity for self-awareness. Thinking like that is exactly why I need to focus on the upside, I suppose!
Plastic Bag Bans Are Working
Your local shoppery’s insistence that you bring your own bag, and stern-faced tsk-tsking whenever you don’t, might feel ineffective and punishing. More designed to store guilt in your head than clear trash from the globe. It’s not as bad as constant quibbling over getting one goddamn straw a day, but close. Well, comfort yourself with the fact that the annoyance is working: Just in New Jersey, an estimated 5.5 billion plastic bags annually have been eliminated with the ban.
In-Vitro Fertilization Could Save Rhinos
Rhinos are an absolute top-tier animal. You don’t need to poll anyone outside of a group of six-year-olds at a playground to know that. We must work tirelessly to maintain the population of our most kick-ass animals, especially ones with cool horns that charge at people and have their own Spider-Man villain. So it’s good news that scientists have successfully impregnated a rhino with in-vitro fertilization, something that could save the endangered northern white rhino in particular.
New York City Wiping Out $2B In Medical Debt
I’m no fan of Eric Adams. But I have to give credit where credit’s due for positive achievements, so I applaud the recent move to eliminate $2 billion in medical debt for New Yorkers. To be honest, this is the best chance providers ever had of seeing that money, since most people I know with medical debt’s general plan is to, eventually, die.
Dog Rescues Owner From Frozen Lake
Nothing like a classic Lassie situation to cheer the weary bones. A dog named Ruby rose to the occasion when her owner fell through the thin ice of a lake in Michigan. Ruby did a lot more than just get help, too. She was an essential part of the rescue operation, carrying a rope out onto ice too thin to support a human's weight and delivering it to her owner, who better start giving her that crazy expensive dog food you keep in your fridge.
Overdraft Fees Getting Slashed
It’s hard to find a downside to the elimination of something that pretty much everyone in the country, outside of the most ravenous bootlicker, would agree is bullshit: overdraft fees. They are, by not only definition but by necessity, something that targets people who are already in dire straits. They’re not being eliminated completely, but legislation is being proposed to at least heavily limit the fees in question, because banks’ pockets are generally full enough.
Fun Names for Snowplows in Minnesota
Naming an inanimate object? That’s an immediate and unquestionable dopamine boost. If you don’t get any joy out of a snowplow possibly being named Taylor Drift or Beyonsleigh, your pleasure receptors are nothing more than blackened husks.
Gene Therapy Curing Deafness in Children
This one is a double-whammy. A study has announced that gene therapy is a very promising procedure for restoring hearing to deaf children. Obviously, right off the bat that’s great news. Even better, we’ll be able to double-dip in joy when YouTube is later flooded with those videos of them hearing for the first time. Major depressive disorder in absolute shambles!
Thief Had A Lil Puppy in His Pocket
Okay, this probably wasn’t that enjoyable for the lady this guy allegedly snatched a purse from. You know who didn’t know that was wrong, though? The tiny, thoroughly adorable blue-eyed pit bull curled up in his jacket pocket like a big Cheez Doodle. Her name? Frappy. If you’re still feeling glum, say that out loud a couple times.