18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, November 2, 2023
The biggest con ever was rich people making cucumber sandwiches sound fancy. It’s not that big of a delicacy, right? Cucumbers aren’t like caviar or anything exotic. It’s the pretentious version of a PB&J. Do you know what’s not pretentious and provides more satisfaction than a cucumber sandwich? These jokes.
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Wanda Sykes on Strip Clubs
“I went to this one strip club with the guys after the show. We get to the strip club, and they actually tried to charge me a cover. Can you believe that? You want me to pay? I was like, ‘Pay?! Are you out your damn mind? Come on, man; I brought my own titties.’”
Patton Oswalt on Heroes
“I got the COVID vaccine. (Gets applause) I’m no hero now. It’s the lumberjacks who cut down the trees that make the toilet paper. Those are the heroes.”
Denis Leary on Racism
“Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.”
Martin Lawrence on Weed
“I love some fuckin’ weed, but weed has you doing some dumb shit. Weed has you at a stop sign, waiting for it to turn green.”
George Carlin on Shopping
“Go into a gun store, buy a gun, and buy some ammunition. Then ask them if they have any ski masks.”
Dana Gould on Stephen Hawking
“I’m not a cynical person. I’m a very optimistic person, and the source of my optimism: individual human achievement. You know, when one person does something amazing. The example I always give is Professor Stephen Hawking. Here is a man who cannot walk, who cannot speak, who cannot move independently, and yet he still found a way to cheat on his wife. That’s the rumor. And he got caught, lest you think you might get away with it. I’m sure you think you’re very clever. The guy who figured out how time started didn’t delete his inbox quickly enough.”
Demetri Martin Adds Insult to Injury
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Zach Galifianakis on Maturity
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Todd Glass on Cats
“Some people say, ‘I hate cats.’ First of all, relax. ‘I hate cats.’ Really? Isn’t the truth that you saw a cat you loved, a big fat tabby cat come out of someone’s bedroom, and you went, ‘Pst,’ it walked away, ‘Fuck, I hate cats.’ No, cats hate you.”
Rodney Dangerfield on Oral Care
“Last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.”
Doug Stanhope on a Different Kind of Speaker
“I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth, but I feel a lot more positive.”
Jim Jefferies on Drinking Games
“We have a drinking game in Australia, it’s called drinking.”
Robin Williams on Cocaine
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.”
Anthony Jeselnik on Hypocrites
“I can’t talk politics with my cousin because he’s such a hypocrite. He’s against the death penalty, and he hanged himself.”
Chelsea Handler on Child Rearing
“Having a baby is a huge responsibility. It’s like a five-year commitment, and you have to be ready for it.”
Aisha Tyler on Beef
“If God didn’t want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.”
Katrina Davis on Facebook Baby Pictures
“I had a friend post a picture of her new baby on Facebook, and my first thought was, ‘Oh, my gosh, if I had a baby at the same time, our babies could be friends and play together.’ And the second thought I had after that was, ‘No way, my kid would bully the shit out of that kid.’”
Doug Benson on a Relatable Occurrence
“Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?”
