13 Fun-Sized Jokes and Bits About Halloween
It’s Samhain! It’s Corporate Candy Pigout! It’s Halloween. Whether you’re going trick or treating, binge drinking in a hastily assembled, last-minute costume or getting your place toilet-papered because you wolfed down every Snickers before the swarm of sugar-seeking kids came knocking, Halloween time is fun time. And with it comes fantastic fodder for jokes, bits and jokey bits.
Here are some of the funniest treats about Halloween scattered across our monster media…
Arj Barker on Razor Blades in Candy
“Trick-or-treating could have been the ultimate thing, but then your parents have to give you that safety speech that took some of the fun out of it. ‘Have fun, get lots of candy. Oh yeah, one more thing I forgot to tell you, son: Be careful because the candy might HAVE RAZOR BLADES IN IT!’
“How are you supposed to enjoy it after that? It’s a horrible thing to think about — razors in your candy. I mean, it’s an urban myth, and it’s not even true. And as far as urban myths go, it’s not very creative. It should have been something more out there like, ‘CAREFUL, SON, ‘CAUSE THEY HIDE CATERPILLAR EGGS IN THE CARAMEL! YOU CAN’T TASTE IT, BUT A COUPLE DAYS LATER, YOU’RE CRAPPING BUTTERFLIES!’”
The Belcher Children’s Costumes in ‘Bob’s Burgers’
Bob’s Burgers succeeded in providing the best portmanteau and pun-based Halloween costumes ever.
Lavell Crawford’s Poor Halloween Costumes
“We used to go trick-or-treating, and we couldn’t go to the store to get a nice outfit. My momma made me wear shit my daddy left behind when he ran off. I used to go as a real estate agent.”
Vincent Price’s Halloween Special
All these classic TV and film actors are a part of a special that just falls apart. Incredible impression by Bill Hader.
Yamaneika Saunders’ Dangerous Trick-or-Treating Adventure
Saunders’ Christian upbringing prevented her from going trick-or-treating for years, but she made up for lost time later in her childhood.
Jim Gaffigan’s Kid Wanted to Be a Stand-Up Comedian for Halloween
‘The Office’s Halloween Episodes
The Office really gets into the Halloween spirit with pumpkinheads, multiple Heath Ledger Jokers and more. Dunder Mifflin really goes hard for the holiday, especially for a mild-mannered paper supply company.
‘This Is (Grown-Up) Halloween’
Robot Chicken’s take on the classic Nightmare Before Christmas song discusses the fun, danger and grossness of experiencing Halloween as an adult.
‘The McLaughlin Group’
This insane Halloween parody of the political pundit show on Saturday Night Live is full of scares and yelly laugh lines.
Taking a Halloween Costume Too Far
Key & Peele touches upon those Halloween party patrons who stay way too in character when in costume. You know the ones.
Lewis Black’s Rant Against Candy Corn
“The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It’s unbelievable. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that’s ever been made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it leftover, and the candy corn company sends the guys to the villages, and they collect out of the dumpsters all of the candy corn they throw away. THEY WASH IT! THEY WASH IT!
“I’ll never forget the first time my mother gave me candy corn. She said, ‘Here, Lewis, this is candy corn. It’s corn that tastes like candy.’ ‘Woo-hoo (tries candy corn)… This tastes like crap!’ And every year since then, Halloween has returned, and I, like an Alzheimer’s patient, find myself in a room, and on the table is a bowl of candy corn, and I look at it as if I have never seen it before. ‘Candy corn,’ I think. ‘Corn that tastes like candy. I can’t wait... (tries the candy corn again) SON OF A BITCH!’”
Jerry Seinfeld Was Out for the Candy
“The first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you’re a kid, your brain can’t even process the information. You’re like, ‘What is this? What did you say? What did you say about giving out candy? Who’s giving out candy? EVERYONE THAT WE KNOW IS JUST GIVING OUT CANDY? Are you kidding me? When is this happening? Where? Why? Take me with you! I gotta be a part of this! I’ll do anything that they want! I can wear that.’”
David S. Pumpkins
HE’S HIS OWN THING, AND THE SKELETONS ARE PART OF IT. Any questions?