18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 31, 2023
There’s a good chance that before this generation dies off, Halloween will overtake Christmas. People just like Halloween more. As soon as Halloween turns from trick-or-treating for candy to going door-to-door to get full-fledged presents, Santa will be on his ass. Anyway, here are some jokes that are great tricks and treats for your eyes and ears.
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Wendy Liebman on Divorce
“My mother always said don’t marry for money, divorce for money.”
Michael Che on Voting
“I’m not saying I shouldn’t have to pay any taxes, but I shouldn’t have to pay as many as somebody that votes. I don’t vote because I don’t know anything about politics. And honestly, I can’t believe they’d let me. Isn’t that an important thing? They’ll just let me pick the president! I don’t gotta know anything!”
Richard Pryor on Masculine Heartbreak
“Men here, have you ever had your heart broke? Women get their heart broke, and they cry. Men don’t do that shit. Men hold that shit in like, ‘It don’t hurt…,’ but walkin’ around and getting hit by trucks. ‘Didn’t he see that truck?’ ‘Motherfucker, he wouldn’t have seen a 747 ‘cause his heart was broken.’”
Tiffany Haddish on Her Grandma’s Advice
“My grandma told me that, as a woman, I gotta think of myself as a house. I’ll never forget: It was my 18th birthday, and she pulled me to the side and said, ‘Look here, baby girl, now that you’re a woman, I want you to think of yourself as a house. And there’s one thing you got to remember: Every man wants to come inside your house, but you can’t be having all kinds of men going in and out of your house all the time. Because they bring your property value low. You don’t wanna mess around and be known as the crack house, and you don’t want to be the crack house.
“‘So, you want to keep the grass cut and keep it clean because you don’t want people walking by thinking you got an abandoned house. And you don’t want to go out late at night getting drunk and stuff cause somebody will break into your house right through the back door, and that’ll have you walking messed up the next day talking to the police.’”
Wanda Sykes on Politics
“To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, ‘I’m Secretary of State next month!’”
Jim Norton on STDs
“I don’t wear rubbers ’cause you can’t catch it twice.”
Martin Lawrence on STDs
“You know it’s fucked up when a doctor don’t know what he looking at; when he like, ‘What the fuck is this shit? Let me make a fucking phone call...’”
Demetri Martin on Know-It-Alls
“A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.”
George Carlin on the Parents of Honor Students
“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: ‘We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.’ Or: ‘We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teacher’s attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters.’ Here’s something else realistic: ‘We have a daughter in public school who hasn’t been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasn’t shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus, he knocked up your daughter.’”
Rodney Dangerfield on Childhood Rejection
“I tell ya, when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!”
Steve Harvey on Women Investigating Their Partners
“Can’t nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y’all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.”
Rita Rudner on Men with Pierced Ears
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage — they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Dana Gould on Baby Teeth
“Here’s the weird thing that happens with children: When they get about four or five years old, their baby teeth get loose and come out. You take the tooth and put it in the pillow. Then you put a dollar and put the tooth over there. A couple months later, it happens again — another dollar, put the tooth over there. After a while, you have this weird little collection. But you can’t get rid of it; it’s literally a part of your child. I guess it’s so later on in life, when they’ve grown up and moved on, you can sit alone in a dirty bathrobe and sift your fingers through an envelope of human teeth: ‘Hi Ricky, it’s dad. Not much to report. Just sitting around playing with your teeth.’”
Zach Galifianakis on Charades
“My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night, and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.”
Patton Oswalt on Alcohol
“Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice?”
Jimmy Carr on Cigarettes
“British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!”
Todd Glass on First-Class Passengers
“The first-class people look at you like, ‘We get on the plane first, and we get our drinks first.’ I feel like going, ‘Yeah, you hit the mountain first, too.’”
Taylor Tomlinson on Orgasms
“I’ve never faked it. I’ve never loved someone that much. I don’t hand out trophies for showing up. Grab an orange slice and a Gatorade. Get back down there. Let’s see some hustle, Andersen.”
