18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 30, 2023
Don’t you ever wish that the world was just us on the back of a giant turtle? Like what some people in far-long-ago times believed. It’d be kinda cool, really. I wonder if countries would go to war over what to name the turtle. Us? We’re Team Frank. It’d also be cool to take a boat to the world’s edge and tell the turtle jokes over a megaphone. Jokes like these, maybe?
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Mitch Hedberg on Soup
“I’m sick of the ‘soup of the day.’ It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what ‘soup from now on’ is.”
Dave Chappelle on the Police
“Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call the police, but mmm... nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house; they’d never believe I lived in it. They’d be like, ‘He’s still here!’”
Patton Oswalt on Reality TV Shows
“What are they not going to do a reality show about? There used to be a time when you would come home and reality was so crappy you would turn on TV to watch stuff people had made up so you could escape from the crappy reality. Now, you go out and deal with dickheads and morons all day, and you come home and go, ‘I just want to go home so I can watch dickheads and morons on TV.’”
Richard Pryor on Nuclear War
“The motherfuckers say, ‘Hey, man, if they had a nuclear war, they wouldn’t have to drop no bombs. All they have to do is tell us they’re going to.’ Then they’ll announce to us, ‘Find the fallout shelters.’ But ain’t a motherfucker here that knows where one is at: ‘Right! Oh, shit… Eh, wait a minute, I knew where it was in high school. Wait a minute…’
“They say we’ll have a half an hour warning. That ain’t enough time. I want at least nine or 10 months.”
Tiffany Haddish on the Census
“I did tell the census man I was white, and I’m telling you, I started getting offers for the black American Express card in the mail.”
Norm Macdonald on Alcoholism
“They’re like, ‘You’re an alcoholic.’ I go, ‘No, I’m not.’ And apparently, that’s what alcoholics say too, you know?”
Dana Gould on Putting His Dog Down
“The woman who worked there went, ‘Sir, it’s okay. This happens every day.’ And all I could think of was, ‘Then why do you work here? What the fuck is wrong with you? What’d you tell your guidance counselor?’ ‘Oh, I really like sad people, but I’d also like to be around a lot of dead animals!’ Congratulations, Dr. Frankenstein, you got your wish!’”
Martin Lawrence on Boxing
“My coach had a good saying about me, ‘One thing about Martin, he ain’t gonna get hit, and he ain’t gonna hit nobody.’ Cause I danced all motherfucking night! Cause my thing was I didn’t wanna get knocked out. That’s too motherfucking embarrassing. What do you say to a motherfucker if he’s a friend that got knocked out? You driving home with this motherfucker, and you like, ‘Damn, did he hit you as hard as it fuckin’ looked? Nah, they ain’t find your teeth; I don’t know where them motherfuckers went.’”
Rodney Dangerfield on His Car
“I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday, I take my family out for a push.”
George Carlin on Serial Killers
“Every time you see a story about a serial killer on TV, what do they do? They bring on the neighbor. And the neighbor says, ‘Well, he was always very quiet.’ And someone in the room says, ‘It’s the quiet ones ya gotta watch.’ This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption. I will bet you anything that while you’re watching a quiet one, a noisy one will fucking kill you. Suppose you’re in a bar, and one guy is reading a book and not bothering anybody, and another is standing in the front with a machete banging on the door saying, ‘I’LL KILL THE NEXT MOTHER FUCKER WHO COMES IN HERE!’ Who are you gonna watch?”
Demetri Martin on Bookstores
“If I had a bookstore, I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.”
Kristen Schaal on Getting Kicked
“At first, the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair, and I kinda liked it.”
Brian Regan on Log Trucks
“I’ve never understood log trucks. Sometimes, you’ll be out on the highway, and you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway. I don’t understand it. I mean, if they need logs over there, and they need ’em over there, you’d think a phone call would save ’em a whole lot of trouble.”
Joan Rivers on Sex
“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
Aziz Ansari on America
“The government’s, like, ‘Oh yeah, you can come to the United States, but you’ve got to go to Alabama.’ It’s kind of like a girl going, ‘Yeah, you can see me naked, but you can only look at my left elbow. And my left elbow is racist.’”
Joe Machi on Rollercoasters
“Went to the rollercoaster, used my fast pass, and realized I enjoyed the cutting way more than the stupid rides.”
Elayne Boosler on Depression
“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.”
Wanda Sykes on Men
“Men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal.”
