30 Dad Jokes to Read Instead of Touching the Thermostat

‘I had a dream I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted’
30 Dad Jokes to Read Instead of Touching the Thermostat
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Being a dad is tough. What with the lack of sleep, the financial burden and the worry that your kid is going to get really into Phish, it really is stressful. You do, however, get one very lovely benefit, which is a full pass to tell the world’s most groanworthy jokes. 

Keep reading for some classic dad jokes to either pocket (if you’re a dad), or imagine being told by one.

CRACKED I don't think it's a good idea for America to switch from pounds to kilograms. It would cause mass confusion.
CRACKED What did the snake couple get embroidered on their towels? Hiss and herss.
CRACKED Be careful about making peppers angry. They might get jalapeno face.
CRACKED What did the dog say when it saw three trees? Bark bark bark.
CRACKED I saw an elephant today, but I was in the middle of something. It was irrelephant.
CRACKED I've been reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
CRACKED I just finished a book about Formula 1. It was a quick read.
CRACKED What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graiiiiiiiins.
CRACKED What part of the pool is safe to dive in? Deep ends.
CRACKED I couldn't get any space at the library. They were completely booked.
CRACKED Why do nurses carry red pens? In case they need to draw blood.
CRACKED Have you heard about the all-almond diet? It's just nuts.
CRACKED How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
CRACKED I had a dream I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted.
CRACKED What did the buffalo say to his kid when he dropped him at school? Bison.
CRACKED Dermatologists seem like a hurried bunch. They're always making rash decisions.
CRACKED The best time on a clock is six-thirty. Hands down.
CRACKED Why was the knife wearing a suit? Не wanted to look sharp.
CRACKED My new thesaurus is terrible. That's the only way I can describe it.
CRACKED I'm having trouble getting a job in the skincare industry. Even though I apply daily.
CRACKED I'm going to have to buy a new calendar soon. This one's days are numbered.
CRACKED If at first you don't succeed... I wouldn't recommend skydiving.
CRACKED My boss told me to have a good day. So I left.
CRACKED The teddy bear didn't eat anything at dinner. Не was already stuffed.
CRACKED I just read a great book on reverse psychology. I wouldn't recommend it.
CRACKED I'm a black belt in tae kwon do, but I've never entered a competition. I do it just for kicks.
CRACKED I tried milking a cow once, but it didn't work. It was an udder failure.
CRACKED I got hit in the head with a can of Pepsi yesterday. I'm fine. It was a soft drink.
CRACKED Never trust a man carrying graph paper. They're always plotting something.
CRACKED What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey!

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