20 World-Class Stand-Up Bits From the Best to Ever Ask How Everyone’s Doing Tonight

How we doin’, Cleveland? Or Cincinnati. Sorry, we forget
20 World-Class Stand-Up Bits From the Best to Ever Ask How Everyone’s Doing Tonight

Asking how a crowd is feeling must be so deep in a stand-ups subconscious that they cant even help but to blurt it out. Even after six other comedians have asked us how were doing, we all know that the seventh act is still going to ask, too. 

Weve been over this. Were good. Thanks for asking, but our hands are starting to hurt from clapping, and our throats are getting a little raspy from wooing. Here, well get the second drink that were required to order while you get to the goods. We promise we still have some laughs in us. Were not at the arms-crossed stage… Yet.

Gary Shandling

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem, but they don't really know me.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.

Jerry Seinfeld

I saw a study that said that speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death! This means to the average person that if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Patrice O’Neal

I'm too afraid to not believe in God. Like I'm not an atheist, I'm like before that. Like, I believe in God when I'm on planes, like I really believe in God.

Bo Burnham

A Haiku My aunt used to say, Slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.

Martin Lawrence

Weed has you at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green.

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald Spitting Unfortunate Truth They call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Steven Wright (Again)

Steven Wright CRACKED.COM I've been getting into astronomy so I in- stalled a skylight. The people who live above me are furious. Neil deGrasse Tyson would be proud.

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield CRACKED.COM I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toast- er and a radio. Норе- fully there were some sweet tunes on that ra- dio.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks CRACKED.COM People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Ken- nedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a Presi- dent and the hijacking of our govern- ment by a totalitarian regime - who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares? From his 1993 album (eerily titled) Revelations one year before he passed away.

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg CRACKED.COM I like vending machines... because snacks are better when they fall. If I go buy a candy bar in a store, often times I will drop it, so it reaches it's maximum flavor potential. Isaac Newton would agree.

Ali Wong

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM People ask me how on Earth do you balance work and career? Men never get asked that question because they don't. Ali Wong

Amy Schumer

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM My mom's always saying really smart things, like, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one. Amy Schumer

Aziz Ansari

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? 'Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!' Aziz Ansari

Chris Rock

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to S---. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f--- lactose intolerance? Chris Rock

George Carlin

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM Atheism is a non- prophet organization. George Carlin

Maria Bamford

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I've never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope. Maria Bamford

Richard Pryor

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings. And lawyers. Richard Pryor

Wanda Sykes

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house. Wanda Sykes

John Mulaney

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm like an iPhone. It's going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. John Mulaney

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