20 Top-Notch Stand-Up Jokes From the Pros

The comedy club just followed you home — or wherever you happen to be right now
20 Top-Notch Stand-Up Jokes From the Pros
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Well, somebody just saved some money on gas, parking, comedy show tickets and that pesky two-drink minimum! We brought the comics to you, you lucky devil.

Now that we’ve buttered you up by reminding you of the savings — and the fact that you don’t even have to leave the couch or chair — these utterly hilarious jokes are sure to get you chuckling. Yep, we set ‘em up, and these bad boys knock ’em down!

John Mulaney

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm like an iPhone. It's going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. John Mulaney

Emo Phillips

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

Rodney Dangerfield

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield

Jerry Seinfeld

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM The Swiss Army. Never been involved in a war in 200 years. It's a lucky thing. Did you ever see this little Swiss Army knife? Corkscrews, bottle opener, nail file. You don't want to go to war with this little thing. Jerry Seinfeld

Maria Bamford

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I've never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope. Maria Bamford

Richard Pryor

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings. And lawyers. Richard Pryor

River Butcher

I stay a vegetarian because I like animals a lot. Which is so silly because if I ran into a lion and said, Hey, I think you're cool that lion would not care.

Jackie Kashian

I tell people to go out with a guy who plays video games, go out with a guy who collects action figures and reads comic books. Go out with that guy and marry that guy because that guy is home. Right now!

Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands me a flyer on the street, it's like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.'

Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr People worry about their physical appear- ance, we all have our silly hangups. For instance, I'm worried that one of my balls is bigger...than the other two. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

Tim Vine

Tim Vine So this bloke said to me, As a young boy, was your mother very strict with you? I said Let me make one thing absolute- ly clear. My mother was never a young boy. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

Zarna Garg

Zarna Garg GOLLTAW Y CLUB COM NE RK CITY On Her Husband: By the way, we've never had a candlelight dinner either. Why would we? We came to America for the electricity. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald SPORTS NOPM LIVE MACDONALD GEMDOU JASH EVE I wouldn't call myself a fan of steampunk, but I will admit it's the healthiest way to pre- pare punk. Aside from broilpunk. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer I finally just slept with my highschool crush. But now he like expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I'm gonna be in 3 years. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

Jim Gaffigan

There's pressure to enjoy summer, right? It's almost a panic. Go out there and have fun; winter is coming to kill us!

Zach Galifianakis

I called a temp agency once. They were like, 'Do you have any phone skills?' I was like, 'I called you, didn't I?' ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

Andy Kindler

Wow, I never play a room like this, and when I say 'like this,' I mean 'full of people.'

Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

Kristen Schaal

I killed a genie to get this jacket. It's only after I cut the jacket off the genie's dead body that I realized I could've simply wished for it. Ugh, I should have wished for hindsight.

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