25 Uproarious Jokes From the Best Stand-Up Comics in the Known Universe

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25 Uproarious Jokes From the Best Stand-Up Comics in the Known Universe
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We say the “known” universe because, you never know, there might be funnier comics somewhere in a distant galaxy. Hopefully, science can get off it’s lazy behind and get us there quicker, cus that’d be awesome!

For now, comedians in the known universe are all on Earth, so as far as we know, we’ve cornered the market on funny. It’s a comedy monopoly! Here, get a little taste of the Earthly action…

Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifinakis When you look like I do it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck Е. Cheese.

John Mulaney

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm like an iPhone. It's going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. John Mulaney

Sarah Silverman

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I can't wait till Sunday. I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece. Sarah Silverman

Jerry Seinfeld

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM The Swiss Army. Never been involved in a war in 200 years. It's a lucky thing. Did you ever see this little Swiss Army knife? Corkscrews, bottle opener, nail file. You don't want to go to war with this little thing. Jerry Seinfeld

George Carlin

George Carlín CRACKED.COM Electricity is really just organized lightning. Imagining lighting shuf- fling itself into an orga- nized little stream for our Vitamix is just fun (and smart).

Wanda Sykes

Wanda Sykes CRACKED.COM I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange pant- ies in my dog's house. Good boy.

Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford Bong B ercer St CRACKED.COM I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story prob- Ilems. If Maria's boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute? Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero. A calculator for hypotheti- cals... I'll take two!

Tina Fey

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math. Tina Fey

Chris Rock

Chris Rock CRACKED.COM You don't need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars... You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thou- sand dollars there would be no more in- nocent bystanders. In a hilarious piece of social commentary, this joke on his 1999 special, Bigger & Blacker came just a few months after the Columbine shooting, and a recent spike in nation- wide gun violence.

Mike Birbiglia

I'm not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy.... -Mike Birbiglia

Bob Newhart

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.' Bob Newhart

Bo Burnham

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy. Во Burnham

Jim Gaffigan

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM The reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. Jim Gaffigan

Joyelle Nicole Johnson

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM This is how petty I am. Me and my roommate are fighting right now and when I left the house, I took the Amazon Fire Stick. Joyelle Nicole Johnson

Jimmy O. Yang

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I'm very proud to represent Asians. But at the same time, there's so much pressure. Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites. Jimmy O. Yang

Joan Rivers

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Kevin Hart

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I don't have exes. I have Y's. Like Y the hell did I date you? Keven Hart

Tig Notaro

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, Do not go in there. Tig Notaro

Margaret Cho

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM If you get into an argument with a vegan, say I'm wrong and run away as fast as you can. Do not f*** with vegans because they will f*** you up. BECAUSE THEY ARE HUNGRY. Margaret Cho

Nate Bargatze

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I've been married four years now and it's getting pretty serious. Nate Bergatze

Nikki Glaser

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I have a crush on this guy who's totally marriage material. Because he's married. Nikki Glaser

Patton Oswalt

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice? Patton Oswalt

Mitch Hedberg

COMEDY NERD CRACKED.COM I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg

Bill Hicks

COMEDY NERD CD I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?' Bill Hicks

John Mulaney (Him Again)

When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian-American.

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