25 Jokes, Quips and Monologues to Download Into Your Brain Like Neo Learning Kung Fu

Time to overload you with the funny!
25 Jokes, Quips and Monologues to Download Into Your Brain Like Neo Learning Kung Fu
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We know you have a lot on your mind lately, so your brain is probably already at capacity. We’re no psychologists, but we recommend offloading some of the junk stressors like bills and childcare and whatever else. Everyone here in the office definitely agrees that it’s time you replace all that with hilarious jokes — if you’re open to taking advice from highly under-qualified pre-list blurb writers, that is.

Jeff Ross

You are the king Joffrey of pop. -Jeff Ross, Comedy Central Justin Bieber Roast GRACKED.COM

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up? - Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog talking to a man in a Darth Vader suit at the premiere of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. CRACKED.COM

Futurama

25 Jokes, Quips and Monologues to Download Into Your Brain Like Neo Learning Kung Fu

Bob’s Burgers

CRACKED LOUISE ROASTS (ACTUALLY, BAKES) JESSICA. BOB'S BURGERS Bland, boring Jessica. If she was a spice, she'd be flour. If she was a book, she'd be two books.

Community

CRACKED WHEN TROY SAID BRITTA WAS ALL THE BAD THINGS. COMMUNITY You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.

The Office

CRACKED MICHAEL SCOTT PUTS TOBY ON BLAST (THEN BLAST AGAIN). THE OFFICE If I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

30 Rock

CRACKED JACK'S NEW ENGLAND ROOTS HELP THIS BURN. 30 ROCK You do have the wind-battered face of a New England cod fisherman, if that's what you're asking.

Jimmy Carr’s Heckler

CRACKED.COM Heckler: 'My mum died of cancer.' Jimmy Carr: 'What?' Heckler: 'I only mentioned it because it was funnier than this.'

Parks and Recreation

CRACKED WE COULD DO AN ENTIRE LIST OF APRIL'S JERRY BURNS. PARKS & REC Can you photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?

Will & Grace

CRACKED KAREN WAS A TAD UPSET ABOUT HER BIRTHDAY INVITATIONS. WILL & GRACE I think the real mistake was when your father spotted your mother across a crowded swamp, dragged her back to his hut, and made you.

John Oliver

CRACKED I took a tip from your history books, and, the day after election day, I got a truckload of Dr. Pepper and just drove it straight into Boston Harbor. See how you like your favorite beverage being drowned. JOHN OLIVER

The Walker Texas Ranger Lever

Recurring at Late Night Conan's Walker Texas Ranger Lever When NBC acquired the rights to Walker Texas Ranger, Conan pounced. Out of nowhere, he'd pull a lever which showed a Walker clip out of context. The pinnacle was a clip of Haley Joel Osment saying, Walker told me I have A.I.D.S. CRACKED

Jon Stewart

CRACKED One of the guys in the locker room, at the behest of Tom Brady, calls himself The Deflator! What was the other guy's nickname, Joey Cheats-At-Football? JON STEWART

Seth Meyers

CRACKED A new poll has found that a majority of Americans believe the government is spying on them. 'No, we're not,' said your microwave SETH MEYERS

Stephen Colbert

CRACKED This is Putin's highest margin of victory yet - it's really impressive. Though I'm starting to think he might have had help from the Russians. STEPHEN COLBERT

Samantha Bee

CRACKED Right now I'm actually picturing some guy saying, Uh, what am I supposed to do? Stop asking women out at work because it makes them uncomfortable? Yes, you are at work. SAMANTHA BEE

Masturbating Bear

Recurring at Late Night Conan's Masturbating Bear One of the longest running gags on Conan's Late Night, the Masturbating Bear was created by Brian Reich and performed by Michael Gordon. Check out Who Wants to Marry the Masturbating Bear? CRACKED

Jimmy Fallon

CRACKED Health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades, so if you see a streetcar with the letters A, в or C, that's just the type of hepatitis you'll get. JIMMY FALLON

White Men Can’t Jump

White Men Can't Jump (1992) Junior: Your mother's so poor, I saw her kicking cans and I asked her what she was doing. She said moving.

The Pursuit of Happyness

The Pursuit of Happyness (2006) Christopher: Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said, Do you need help? And the man said, God will save me. Then another boat came, and he tried to help him, but he said, God will save me. Then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, God, why didn't you save me? And God said, I sent you two boats, you dummy!

What About Bob?

What About Bob? (1991) Bob: The doctor draws two circles and says, What do you see? The guy says sex. So the doctor draws trees, What do you see? The guy says sex. The doctor draws a car, owl - sex, sex, sex. The doctor says to him, You are obsessed with sex. Не replies, Well, you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!

Rocky V

Rocky V (1990) Rocky: Knock knock. Rocky Jr.: Who's there? Rocky: Tuna fish. Rocky Jr.: Tuna fish who? Rocky: You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish!

28 Days Later

28 Days Later (2002) Mark: A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave, and the bartender says, Oi. You can't leave that lyin' there. And the man says, No. It's not a lion. It's a giraffe.

Pulp Fiction

Pulp Fiction (1994) Mia: Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street - Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry. Goes back and squishes him and says: Ketchup.

Zootopia

Zootopia (2016) Nick: Okay. What do you call a three- humped camel? Flash: I don't know. Nick: Pregnant.

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