12 Tortoises Tell Us Where They’re Headed

“I’m returning this copy of The Mask to Blockbuster.”

“To vote for George W. Bush!”

“To the turtle doctor! I have turtle diabetes! And weirdly, feline leukemia!”

“I’m going to shove myself in a pipe.”

(sobbing) “Anywhere but here!”

“Titty bar for wings night.”

“I’m in the process of emigrating to Panama. How close am I? What’s ‘North Carolina’?”

“I’m delivering an organ to a man that died 14 years ago.”

“Wherever the wind takes me.”

“I’ve been hired to destabilize a foreign regime. I have a ghost gun in my shell.”

“To have sex with your mom.”

“To get revenge on that last tortoise, who also had sex with my mom.”