12 Animals and How They Plan to Kill the Zookeeper

“An unsupervised child gave me Dippin’ Dots, and I’ve been sharpening the spoon.”

“He thinks I wrap my tail around his neck because I like him — until the day it becomes his garrote.”

“They left the bead wire in my tire swing. Something the fools will realize when they feel it puncture their femoral artery.”

“I’ll disguise myself as a steak. Then, when he eats me? I go star pose, and it’s choke city.”

“I have no interest in stealth. I want my son to respect me, and one way to do that is to shatter the skull of the zookeeper like a mating rival.”

“I can tell you this: It’s going to be slow, and incredibly painful. Both out of necessity and spite.”

“People think that dim mak, the ‘touch of death,’ is a martial arts myth. But a palm strike directly over the heart can indeed disrupt its rhythm, leading to cardiac arrest.”

“Let’s just say he doesn’t keep close track of his water bottle and things are already in motion.”

“I will pick him up by the scruff of the neck and drop him onto a long spike.”

“Everyone points at me and says, ‘Like in The Lion King,’ but when I burst from his chest in a spray of blood and viscera, they’ll all be asking, ‘Like in Alien?’ He never should have shown us that movie!”

“Double-tap. Silenced Smith & Wesson 22. Back of the head, quick and quiet."

“Eh, we’ll probably just wing it.”