56 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of August 12, 2024

No offense to all the busted teens out there
56 of the Funniest Tweets from the Week of August 12, 2024

As the week officially closes and a new one dawns, let’s take a look back at some of the news that made headlines. The Levys officially signed on to host the 76th Emmy Awards, David Zaslav nuked the Cartoon Network website from existence and Rob McElhenney revealed that his Deadpool & Wolverine cameo was in fact real, despite being slashed from the final cut

Speaking of Deadpool cameos, if you’re wondering why some of the more iconic mutants weren’t featured in the film, you’re not alone. Halle Berry revealed that she anticipated another storm (Storm?) in her future, but that storm (again, Storm?) never came. The actress told ComicBook.com that Blake Lively asked if she would consider reprising her X-Men character for the film. Berry responded that she would put the white Storm wig back on if Ryan Reynolds (aka Mr. Blake Lively) called her, but he never did. And so, as Kevin Feige figures out what to do with the recently-acquired mutants, Ororo Munroe’s fate continues to hang in the balance.

Thankfully, a week’s worth of hilarious tweets kept us afloat in between all the headlines. This week’s funniest included a weed dealer’s lack of ambition, the problem with Alien movies and the difference between being ugly and stupid.

Dave Rudden @d_ruddenwrites. 1d ... My son saw his first pic & mix yesterday and immediately turned into a Napoleonic general about to order a complex, multilayered assault. ... KINGDOM=SWEETS : Scoops . Same Price 3.29.. Provided - : PICK II PICK P IX PICK PIC MIX 31 783 17.8K 370K
donner party bus @ok_alriight.1 10 ... i'm not spending any money right now unless it's an emergency, like if the culver's flavor of the day is really good 13 1,478 20.3K del 665K
23h @solardivulger. د-ع.، clicked on a french tweet and this was one of the replies i cant believe it fares @faresrsf . 2h Oh le banger 1 145 12.8K 162K 2M
Caroline @weirdassfishes.20h I was talking about piercings with the little girl I babysit and she was like some people have piercings in their nose I saw them at the coffee shop Oh im sure 32 2,363 73.9K del 1M
Jared @b1g_damage • 21h It's fucked up that biting the inside of your cheek is possible 100 1,618 30.4K 437K
Noodin @wiigwaasjacko.2 2h ... quit horsing around you mean planning ahead and thinking strategically AFlat Place Noreen Masud @NoreenM...9h terrified now i Animal behaviour Horses can plan ahead and think strategically, ALientists find 3 1,471 12.2K 168K
vin; androgyne @hologramvin 3h ... my ideal job is a 4 hour shift, no more than 4 days a week. starts at 9 or 10am. i dont have to talk to anyone, no customers. i get to sit in a chair or cushioned stool thats ergonomic. assemble smth in a factory repetitively. pays all my bills i can live alone in a 1br 10 640 6,947 del 81.8K
mom mom mom mom mom @n... 1d ... I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house. No, my money is in it. What could you possibly need money for at Grammy's house? In case I need to make a bet 21 212 7,547 del 93.4K
o days without yanking it to I... 19h ... when you're single you have to get like 37,000 steps on a Sunday to replace the feeling of love 39 1,893 17.5K 562K
Dylan @deadbeatgf2004-21h many could benefit from this. Deleted hinge. Joined a monestery. + 95.7K ... 353 4 252 3,336 66.4K
ALEX PTAK'S TEST KITCHEN 1d ... Always funny they gotta card you when you're like 35 in the off chance you're an incredibly busted teen 53 974 30.5K 540K
zoë rose bryant @zoerosebry.... 1d ... insane day to move to Pop Base @PopBase. 1d The VMAs have moved up a day to September 11th to avoid clashing with the Presidential debate. M A VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS 46 2,573 58.3K 1.7M
mr. bounce @jersey_bounce 1d California boyfriend just said why do people on TV always have basements and I had to gently explain that most people outside of California just... have basements 458 971 30.1K 2.7M
maya @mayaisfiya 1d ... you're all gonna think i'm the stupidest person alive but for a long time i thought the pill was asking if you're on birth control Vante @railedbyvante.4d so some people just.....exist??? No No No No 50 491 36.3K 960K
Matt Popovich @mpopv 23h ... my therapist: matthew, i need you to understand that kamala harris is not texting you. my texts: Edit Messages +1 (202) 987-9841 1:11PM > Matthew, it is Kamala Harris. 41 2,275 84.1K 1.3M
SentientBunnySuit @Suit... 22h ... Calling somebody an idiot isn't helpful. Instead, address their situation by asking something objective like, Is it because you're an idiot? 15 966 8,996 237K
Nik @gemzcore 19h ... absolutely. i'm ugly not stupid. Stella @skyrocketstella 21h if someone gave you $1,000 because you're ugly would you take the money? 51 6,411 54.1K del 1.1M
da chilest guy @coolnormalgiy.23h ... $502 - da pregnant murderer @barrbiewrld.3d i got $350, how about you? got pregnant - $500 had sex - $300 gave head - $200 got head - $100 kissed the same sex - $50 smoked weed - $30 killed somebody - $2 smoked crack - $25 done drugs - $20 got drunk - $15 7 281 5,501 200K
claire de lune @ClaireMPLS 15h ... wow maybe me and simone biles have more in common than i thought simonebiles 3 h + I'm never drinking again 13.6K 641 341 simonebiles 3 d + I know tequila hate to see me coming 42.4K 817 4.1K 30 3,648 78.2K 1.9M
@horrorlor 1d ... accidentally said I want a redbull and a cigarette around a pregnant woman at the pool and she looked wistfully into the water and said to herself...Redbull..... and a cigarette :( 234 22.3K 362K 4.3M
ava @wownicebuttdude. 16h My friend just revealed to me that he has 1.4 million points at Dave & Buster's. Не showed me the menu and said Get anything you want. The most expensive meal is 2200 points IOT ES PA STACE FROM CHEESE 292 HARPE and it is m exist even 277 2.9K 120K del 2.1M
Cross-laminated Tinder @nickhasthoughts 2h I dont' know how to explain it but this is like when two people are fighting and refuse to talk to each other R P PURDUE INDIANAPOLIS UNIVERSITY Ф Innovation Hall Innovation Hall 625 West Michigan Street 625 West Michigan Street 30 124 3.3K del 72K
Austin @adoptedhighway 11h ... what a relief, looks like my social security number is safe and sound! LeakChecker.net Austin 415-39-4523 Search NPD Breach Check. Great news! We don't see your social security number (415-39-XXXX) in the leak. 45 1.2K 57K 781K
Gravantus @Gravantus 9h ... The more things change, the more they stay the same... Across the Ages Pod @_A... .23h 4th century ВСЕ Greek mug. The Etrusca ROSS AGES Museum of Villa Giulia. SD 31 4K 39K 580K
rev @whyrev 4h This is how I find out they were dating Pop Base @PopBase. 4h Dakota Johnson & Coldplay's Chris Martin have split after 7 years together. 14 1.9K 41K 631K
MZS @mattzollerseitz-11h ... 100 percent scientifically accurate portrayal of a cat not giving one millionth of a damn that the humans are being slaughtered or impregnated by a giant cockroach with disco nails One Perfect Shot @OnePerfectShot - 20h ALIEN (1979) Cinematography by Derek Vanlint Directed by Ridley Scott 44 25K 640K 2.4K
John Stewart Green Lantern @LanternJS. 23h if you made blade runner you have every right to brag about it SESSION InSession Film @InSessionFilm 1d Naming one of your own movies at one of your favorites is exactly why Ridley Scott rules. MUL It's prehistoric. RS AUGUST QUEST 2001 space odyssey FOR FIRE سالة BLADE RUNNER 725 9 11K 228K
Jarrett Carlen @JarrettGC.1 16h ... BLASTED to Sports YEAR BRO SPORTS ungo Goldfish FLAVOR BLASTED SY S RETIR Sharms Charania f a n @SharmsCharania 22h An anonymous Akron billionaire is reportedly purchasing a 33 percent stake in the Boston Celtics, sources tell @TheAthletic @Stadium. 185 8K 98K 3M
Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen 2h easily a top 3 funniest parenthetical song title GENIUS Sign Up Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You) ENRIQUE Enrique Iglesias IGLESIAS TONIGHT (I'M POON YOU) FEAT LUDACRIS & DJ FRANCE 11 68 2.2K 54K
vic @vicloveshorror 1d i hope . these 2 enjoy their alien romulus viewing experience FANDANGO F Alien: Romulus (2024) i More In Thursday, Aug 15 at 7:30 PM SCREEN FRONT OF THEATER x x - - x x x DE x x Y x x - x x x x x x x x x 13 139 2.1K del 29K

Image provided by Cracked

Lucy @LMAsaysno 1d doing this whenever i get an amazon parcel to let the delivery man know i don't agree with the company ethics 9 817 28K del 642K

 Image provided by Cracked

based gizmo @basedgizmo 1d All the things she said all the things she said running through my head running through my head best of winona ryder @BESTOFWINONA 1d Promotional photo of Winona Ryder and Sigourey Weaver for Alien Resurrection (1997). 19 1.9K 14K 265K
Film The Police LA @FilmThePoliceLA 16h Не did nothing wrong. @mymixtapez. 1 1d My Mixtapez Man steals $122M from Facebook & Google by simply sending them random bills which they paid 75 2.2K 427K 35K
alan b. @inceptstellar 21h is that what they call it these days? hourly matt damon @damonfolders 1d Happy Birthday to Ben Affleck, Matt Damon's long time pal. 63 2.7K 82K 1.9M
Clint Gamache @iamcg83. 1d ... Wife: Honey. Our WiFi is old and needs to be upgraded. Can you look into getting a new router/modem? Me: Say no more. Davolink Minions Kevin Wi-Fi 6E Router - Elevate Your Connectivity Internet with Minions Magic Secure Travel WiFi Router - Gaming Experience in 2024 with High-Speed Performance Gaming Router - Router Secure Travel WiFi Router Amazon's Choice Overall Pick Amazon's Choice in Computer Routers by smart air 50+ bought in past month 50+ bought in past month C Vegan EXPIRATION INDUSTRATION SMART minions minions SMART W656 Dual Band Gigabit Wi-Fi Router AX1800 SP VXJ800 Triple Band 2.50th W-Fi
Tommy Stella - MUSTN'T TELL OUT NOW @to... 23h ... I heard it's because he hates crime so much that he only wants to play non-fictional heroes. Don't believe me? Google mark wahlberg hate crime Agents of Fandom @AgentsFandom . 1d Mark Wahlberg doesn't want to join the MCU because he doesn't want to wear tights. (via: @PhaseZeroCB youtube.com/watch?v=zxitlr...) 80 5.1K 47K 1.2M
tammy @hxttogo 20h congratulations ed sheeran SF swiftiesflorals @swiftiesflorals.20h ED SHEERAN HAS JUST CAME OUT AT THE ERAS TOUR #LondonTSTheErasTour 61 7.3K 92K 2.8M
katie @katefeetie 1d ... in alien: covenant, ridley scott does in 5 minutes what most directors can't do in 3 hours (set james franco on fire and throw him into space) 21 817 10K 354K
liaaam @liamjohnson383.2d do I have snapchat??? no I'm 25 years old, I have loyalty cards to 4 major supermarkets and a 9-5!!! 34 1.9K 22K 702K
AMIIR @_amirnyc 3d ... the dentist's assistant gon ask me if i i have a gf.... girl ik u see these bruises in the back of my throat 280 1.4K 33K 1.4M
Alex Baze @bazecraze 1d This made me think he was hosting SNL. Ziggy_Sobotka @Ziggys_Duck-1d Avon Barksdale was born 54 years ago today. All he wants for his birthday is his corners. #TheWire AVON BARKSDALE D.O.B. 8/15/70 No KNOWN ADDRESSES 13 309 8.1K 331K
walker @walkertmiller. 23h my sister ???? T-Mobile V 68 Thursday, August 15 1:59 Messages Show less x Reed Miller 1m ago R How are you coping Reed Miller 2m ago R I heard Grindr is down 19 387 17.2K 252K
willnights @willnights1 - 1h So he did.. Embarass her? Pip Tungs Pop Tingz @ThePopTingz.2h Sabrina Carpenter and Barry Keoghan are rumored to have broken up. 72 1,821 37.7K 619K
wil @wildotmeow.19h im so stupid bro oh my god wil @wildotmeow. 1h updated my bio Q2 6 336 TacoMix, @CollectiveSpoo1 Replying to @wildotmeow What changed 11:17 PM 15 Aug 24.2 Views Trending replies wil @wildotmeow.33s Replying to @CollectiveSpoo1 my bio 62 1,179 59.8K 894K
Rohita Kadambi @RohitaKada... 1h ... Tim Walz could be part of Ocean's 11 but Brad Pitt couldn't be nice to children. Eriq Gardner @eriq... 8/6/24 Tim Walz is younger than Brad Pitt 2 264 5,134 90.5K
Nefarious Bits @BitsHammer - 5h ... Angel Facts Follow @angelic.style alpha male this, sigma male that, just admit that you saw trans people inventing cool genders and got jealous 4 1,044 11.6K 81.6K
brandon @wh... 19h ... women group text: he has an avoidant attachment style :/ do you think I should still pursue him? guy group text: Just saw a car get beasted on on the highway 37 1,325 44.7K
amelia elizalde @ameliaelizalde. 15h .. its SOOO nice when an evil person is also ugly. it feels so clean. fuzilante @gusinater.1 1d This is a straight up no bullshit unedited image gl ORY 6 16 1,251 44K
mj @bigdybbukenergy-1 16h ... nothing tastes as good as skinny feels and nothing feels as good as having big naturals so jot that down 7 313 3,057 268K
julian @YEAROFTHEWIZARD.5 5h .. Had a horrible dream that I started off a freestyle with I'm scared for my life, I've been running from a ghoul 1 50 495 12.2K
lord @CANTFWTWIN-20h ... Ima stop buying weed from you cus you not managing my money right lord @CANTFWTWIN-20h U can't be selling weed for years and have no car 183 1,434 11.7K 549K
frank zeppo @NoahPasternak•1 17h ... The problem with the Alien movies is that much of what the titular alien does is against the law 28 859 7,954 del 171K
L HOURLY shitpost @h... . -11h . ... quieres The New York Stabber I ? вот Today at 12:03 AM It's me. The New York Stabber. 4: Today at 12:03 AM Oh hey The New York Stabber | ? ВОТ Today at 12:04 AM Can you come to New York 4: Today at 12:04 AM Why 7 796 17.2K 262K
the killer @deadbodyonline 1h ... If I ever say NO to DRY HUMPING call the cops, My identity has been stolen for sure. 2 211 1,720 36.3K
SNOWBLVCK.ETH @snowb... 23h ... This guy on tiktok spilled blue cheese in his car and that shit caused his car to have a huge mold infestation and he got mold poisoning & has to be on medication for it & honestly that was enough for me to stop eating it 33 210 2,077 del 55.2K
yume nikki minaj @jun3buggy 14h ... pasta and steak on a styrofoam plate is crazy work One Less Lonely Girl... 1d What would you add to this plate? 13 60 3,307 40.4K

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