45 of the Funniest Tweets from Monday, July 29, 2024

Olympians in chowder would be crazy
45 of the Funniest Tweets from Monday, July 29, 2024

ABC brought A.V.A. Fest to San Diego Comic-Con celebrating its hit show Abbott Elementary and Janelle James’ self-absorbed Principal Ava Coleman. Outside of the satellite carnival, the cast hosted a panel that gave way to some exciting Season Four news. Namely, creator and star Quinta Brunson revealed that one of the episodes will feature a crossover that will “change television.” She didn’t say which other show would be part of the crossover, but the speculation has already commenced. Geographically speaking, a staff bender at Paddy’s Pub with the gang of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia makes the most sense, but who knows, maybe they’ll shake things up and Meredith Grey will provide Abbott Elementary’s students with a logic-defying anatomy lesson. 

Elsewhere at Comic-Con, Harrison Ford continued to prove that he doesn’t even have to try to be one of the funniest/surliest people alive. The legendary actor will appear in a pair of forthcoming Marvel movies, becoming the second Oscar winner to play Thunderbolt Ross. During a panel, Ford was asked who’s better at handling snakes: Ross or Indiana Jones. He responded that he’s “always treated these questions with both the utmost respect and complete disdain.” He then refused to answer the “stupid question,” but thanked the person asking it for the opportunity. 

Meanwhile, the timeline continues to be a convention of hilarious people providing endless laughs. Today’s funniest tweets include those about a relationship that’s stood the test of time, a woman with all the tea and BBE. 

hb @h3xenbrenner2.1 1d ... Come on. You have to introduce me. she looks exactly like the portrait of my dead ex wife I keep in the off-limits wing of my manor. But with bigger jugs 4 442 5,759 133K
moth @puppymoth.1 1d reallyreallyreallytrying Follow when he says warm touching warm... reaching out... touching me, touching you in sweet caroline. that's some shit koko the gorilla would say in sign language 11 1,081 21K 510K
@witnessborne 1d It's so awesome to grow up and realize that nobody is cool 75 6,847 59.6K del 1.1M
Subsistence Content Farmer 1d ... And who is your primary care doctor three different urgent cares in a trench coat, babe 15 5,357 64.6K del 1.1M
tate @50FirstTates 23h someone called jd vance vladimir futon i'm losing my mind 15 626 8,426 325K
rayne fisher-quann @raynefq 2h ... quietly crying on the bus and group of 7DD teenage girls next to me have been having a conversation for 40 minutes that's just naming foods and then all deciding whether or not that food is good. One just said BLT.. bacon lettuce tomato and her friend replied yum, girl 14 728 19.1K del 295K
Ryan @ryan00004444.23h ... One night my brother and I did shrooms and he looked my parents dead in the eyes and asked for $50k 80 1,372 41.1K 994K
nash flynn @itsnashflynn 1d ... laugh - my child started sitting in a corner a few weeks ago to talk to jennifer. i thought she had an imaginary friend. then she told us the girl was called jennifer chip which seemed like a weird surname until i discovered she was talking to a dorito that was under the radiator 29 1,951 65.2K 800K
J @yikingtons 18h There's a mirror in my parents's house that could give body dysmorphia to a dog 7 893 30.1K 483K
Billy @_billyreid. 1d Olympic athlete: *Makes one tiny mistake* Me: Pathetic 129 14K 162K 5M

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David O'Doherty @phlaimeaux-1d ... Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block 144 2,680 44.9K del 1.2M
Matt @_mattmccallum.1 11h As you may have seen, some of the old Glasgow Subway seats are being salvaged and sold. We managed to pick up the vandalised emergency access panel for a friend BREAK ASS FOR EMERGENCY SS A ASS FOR BREAK SS EMERGENCY A 18 246 5,324 166K
balloonboyfan28 @DGramr 2d SEONER bro is named Penis Penis Penis + Name: Richard William Johnson 286 5,182 114K 2.4M
Drew Davenport @The_Davenp... 3h ... My daughter has been experimenting NEW with her own versions of easy, peezy, lemon squeezy and today she said easy, crazy, mountain skeleton and that's gonna be tough to beat 3 74 818 11.4K
Nuke @megab00f. 1d Spotify's algo has gotten so bad that there's almost a human quality to it. Like a sad blacked out roommate on aux 112 3,285 48.7K
@wwelqa2 1d welq me and my homie engaging in parallel play (dissociating) AL. INTERNATIONAL INTERNATIONAL. INTERNATIONAL INTERNATIONAL. С C GO SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO INTERNATIONAL CO INTERNATIO SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO N CON SAN DIEGO CON SAN DIE CON CON CON CO NAL INTERNATIONAL. COMIC INTERNATIONAL COMIC INTERNATIONAL. COMIC INTERNATIONAL COMIC INTERNATIONAL. COMIC COMIC INTERNATIO GO SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO N CON SAN DIE CON CON CON CO MIC NAL TIONA COMIC TERNATIONAL COMIC INTERNAT ONAL INTER COMIC GO PO IEGO N DIEGO SAN I E GO SAN DI N CON CON ON C
Tank.Sinatra @GeorgeResch 21h ... We know he can swim but... a ASSOM 2014 CAN Richard FUNK 3 249 18K 229K 6.4M
ayo edebiris home nation of ireland @shekeeps... 1d ... YYB IF EEE FRIDAY forgot about dunkin and was trying really hard to figure out what boston has to do W lesbians BOS in DC @bostonianindc.2 2d This Olympic opening ceremony if it was held in Boston: 152 10K 174K 2.9M
caroline! @marytheeoliver 1d i love this city Tim Мое ... 5d Ok I'm sick of Grand rapids I just got chased by a pit bull with a Newport in his mouth smh Like ~ Send Share 6 141 2.2K 78K
brianna @justbrizigs 15h ... 3 35 848 28K
char manning @xylottie 7h Me after sending my first email on a Monday #OlympicGames Bloc ROUND 1 53.40 1 GBR DALEY/WILLIAMS EXECUTION 9.0 9.0 8.5 8.5 8.5 8.5 DIFFICULTY 2.0 SYNCHRONISATION PENALTY 9.0 9.0 8.5 9.0 9.0 0.0 15 5.3K 58K 1.5M
Melech. @MelechThomas 16h Lead margo @je_suis_margo - 1d Katie Ledecky is from Bethesda, Maryland and Michael Phelps is from Baltimore, Maryland. There must be something in the water there. 69 1.6K 12K 698K
Laura Lexx-Autumn Tour On Sale! @lauralexx. 18h ... This man has huge Buster Bluth energy Nooruddean @BeardedGenius 18h Me when someone sits next to me on the tram and there's other seats available MEN'S QUALIFICATION: SUR I ROTATION 6 TEAR (SA TikTok @ abra.cadbera US TROBOW POST LGA ... FBS AS 39 881 24K 1.4M
@himbopottomus 22h ... your dog when you pull the suitcase out to pack Rec e 12000 140 JE 134 2.6K 93K

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meredith minkow @murrminks.2 22h ... Me walking into Trader Joe's on a Sunday afternoon SHOUR USA 6 4 537 8K del 266K
Marc @marcsnetiker 23h 22 years ST RBOY @certifiedmeloo . 4 4d gay relationships never last... 4 930 9.7K 242K
@cryst6l. 1d Damn this is juice 11.1% ALCOHOL BY VOLUME BEATBOX I wanna bounce on him like a pogo stick FRUIT PUNCH I wonder how different I would be 500 ML (16.9 FL oz) as a person if my parents weren't THREE 5.63 IL oz SERVINGS like that when I was growing up 98 5,796 44.9K 1.5M
trapper/rapper @lonthecelebrity 4h ... Walmart lock up the most basic shit. Fucking $10 elf primer. Took me 15 minutes to find an employee and 20 minutes for them to find a key just for me to still steal it for my inconvenience. 308 3,371 32.7K 739K

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Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan 1d ... It's crazy that you don't really argue with a baby for the first year of its life and then you have to argue with the baby every day 15 418 12.9K 276K
grantis @Grantpa23.20h Just historically brutal timing for this article to pop up @adiohead Creep E Radiohead HONEY 2:37 -1:22 The Wall Street Journal now Is everyone having more sex than you this summer? 42 3,873 62.4K 884K
@_EricLa... .1d Hennessey James ... Told my nephew to get off that game and hang up his clothes.... See now I'm mad 392 3,863 35.6K 1.4M

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dumbsville | see Kevin Feige finally saw South Park: Enter the Panderverse.
Tom Zohar @TomZohar 1d I love watching old episodes of Supermarket Sweep because these two just said they're business partners who design sets for plays and I'm like oh I'm sure IIM MARK BUZZR 312 5,036 102K 3.5M
Morgan Knight @_MorganKnig... 19h ... what should we call the thai restaurant we are opening in bedstuy wait say that again - Beds Thai 347-985-1199 THAI CUISINE OPEN 8 340 7,956 . 235K
cheyene norah @onlyyagirl_ .20h ... This is literally young adulthood Look I stole 100 Chobani Yogurts! O am so proud of you! 8 283 11.1K to 219K
jill @stevienicks420.22h LMFAO0000OO gaytimes GAY40 Follow ... TIMES Suggested for you NEWS Sarah Paulson says living separately is the key to her relationship with Holland Taylor GT 193 1,472 47K 3.2M
lucy ford @lucyj_ford. 1d just saw twisters again Kiss each other on the mouth. 18 1,031 26.8K 948K
@RICKYRAGE. 1d ... Mom What is that M What do u think it is Mom Corona virus M 10 599 8,871 278K
@buffys 1d ... momo @MxmoDoom im so upset. 11:37 PM 11/24/21 Twitter for iPhone 2 Likes Mari @rnariano 8m Replying to @MxmoDoom Why what happened 1 momo @MxmoDoom 7m ... shut the fuck up 1 Mari @rnariano 6m ... okay girl fuck you stay upset hope your day gets worse like actually 1 78 2,611 47.8K 944K
joe @hoezeth. 1d Can't stop thinking about this diva 249 7,951 88.1K del 2.4M
D @dunesomeshiii i 1 d Having a schizophrenic dad is so beast D Dado> Friday 2:26 PM LIBERTY LTBERTY lis cop WE TRUST IN GODAVE TRUST 2022 E 2021 The new quarter is on the left. Did you notice how they turned his back to In God we trust? Friday 4:47 PM 598 5,967 173K 3.6M
Ed Campbell POLITICS @edcmpbl.7h ... JOE Why is he drinking the pool water Jack @jackcwhufc24.9h Had worse mondays 35 1,363 78.6K 1.5M
Albert Gil @LarryAlbertGil . dd ... This is what being in your 20s looks like Going to fill out 12 job applications tonight. Life is a living hell The Pensive Русский o 12:42 AM Ice spice lost me with the fart song hum dunkin 12:43 AM 10 2,973 48.2K 919K
left at london @LeftAtLondon .d ... Holy crap, Lois! It's Mrs. Howard! ALT @PopBase. 1 1d Pop Base Season 4 of 'Abbott Elementary' will feature a cross-over episode with another show. 63 8,833 101K 3M
David O'Doherty @phlaimeaux.21h ... Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block 138 2,479 41.1K del 1.1M

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