38 of the Funniest Tweets from Thursday, May 9, 2024

Even an atheist can find religion in an afternoon BLT
38 of the Funniest Tweets from Thursday, May 9, 2024

Though he’s a little tied up in Vatican City serving as the head of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis just might make some time in his busy schedule to add an acting credit to his illustrious résumé. During an appearance on The Tonight ShowWhoopi Goldberg confessed to Jimmy Fallon that she may have offered the Holy Father a role in the Sister Act sequel coming to Disney+. We will, however, have to wait several holy nights to see if the Pope does indeed join Deloris in her latest habit-clad hijinks as the film still remains without a release date.

Meanwhile, two decades after turning J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings into a blockbuster, visionary director Peter Jackson is back to produce two new films in Middle-earth. Warner Bros. revealed Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum as a tentative title for one of the projects, which will find Andy Serkis reprising his role as Sméagol and Gollum as well as replacing Jackson in the director’s chair. 

Speaking of Gollum, those on the timeline aren’t being particularly precious about their hilarious tweets. In fact, they’re letting them fly at record speeds. Today’s funniest include those about the only workplace metrics that matter, a lineup of reliable sodas and a teacher hellbent on creating chaos.

James Parrish @JamesParrish -1 1d - RIP Steve Albini. steve albini 31 Mar 2014 ... to me v Sometimes I wonder why I bother putting all my contact information in the signature of my email. -S On 3/31/2014 10:46 AM, James Parrish wrote: No worries Steve, let me see if Dave can do that time. What's the best number for you? Sent from my iPhone 7 63 2,271 77.4K
Ronny Pugs @RonnyPugs. 1d Heaviest sunglasses in the world. Lukas А. Soares @LukasAS.... 1d Tobey Maguire looks so good visually - Cours t T PR IE pilar the IT'S WE IT'SUGAR BELIEV in TAKING IN GRE ية I f BE RU DESS BEFORE DI ASKING INSTEAD PERMISSION с FO you know you want it Bess rafula - - PANN - 96 6,060 151K 4M
KATI @TiiiKati 1d So I pull up to Dunkin Donuts and ask if breakfast is over. The lady talm bout Breakfast is all we serve ma'am 207 2,384 65K 1.3M
Danny Conrad @DannyJConr... 1d ... Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he's in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go Big rush huh and he says Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking. 58 260 10K del 506K
Chappell Ellison @ChappellTra... 6h ... I was researching more about why Ask Jeeves (the first natural language search engine) fell out of the cultural zeitgeist, and I had completely forgotten that Jeeves was once so popular he was a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloon from 2000-2004 so now this is all I care about 51 498 5,062 169K
Bruja Bitch @brujabitchh. 1d ... Asked the bnb host if they had one of those meat chopping knives (think it's called a meat cleaver) and she said yeah it's in the drawer farthest to the left and girl this the knife: 146 1,789 61.9K 1.5M
Gabrielle Drolet @gabrielledro... . 19h ... last night i took an edible before seeing challengers and every time the techno music came on I feared for my life 41 955 32.8K del 978K
7 M @meaghancates 1d ... Can we dog shame real quick? Like can we make this a thread of just dog shaming? Okay l'll start: ate over 20 beetles last night and threw them up. 810 1,411 30.6K 1M
codeine cowgirl @chicken... 1d ... remember when i found out my bf of 6 years was talking to other girls while i was at the beach with his family and i took this photo to commemorate it because i'm so fucking unserious I can't ! 2 36 3,350 186K
carey @brokebackstan-1 1d ... told coworker i was trans and she said that's ok, i didn't tell anyone here i was dyslexic until 2 years ago THE CUT 39 1,256 74.1K 1.6M
Abidat @a_bidat. 1d My ex cuz I know he'll try to sleep with it (as he does everything) and everyone can use that time to get to safety Myth @iamblackmyth.2d This dragon attacks your city, who do you call first ? 2,073 13.2K 97.5K 5.9M
@immol... 5h ... every photo i see of robert f kennedy jr has this exact energy 18 262 4,153 98.7K
Coconut Tree Faller Outer Ofer 1d ... Replying to @Cam_Oflage Worst thing to happen to a Kennedy brain leaderboard: 1. Bullet in it (JFK) 2. Bullet in it (Bobby) 3. Knocked off of spinal cord by tree trunk (Michael) 4. Lobotomy (Rosemary) 5. Tumor in it (Ted) 6. Stroke (Joseph) 7. Worm in it (RFK Jr) 8. Infected by Las Plagas (Leon S) 19 319 1,136 del 28K
GRRL @GRRLmusic 21h they look like the children who won LOVO in golden tickets to the chocolate factory but ultimately lost due to their greed and hubris ze SALO VOGUE 3:25 Sabrina Carpenter & Barry Keoghan Get VOGUE Ready for the Met Gala | Last Looks Vogue Vogue 16K views 35 minutes ago 40 2,444 60K 1.3M
Jordan Blok @Jordanbloked 1d ... Oh I think you missed a core component of this movie friend I HOPE you missed a core component of this movie friend Milky Way Ghetto Citizen... 2d MARIO PRINCESS PEACH LUIGI CHALLENGERS 54 1,902 53.6K 1.4M
boss @boss_on_here 1d ... the right sandwich eaten at the right time can show you the light of God 62 7,732 47.3K del 1M
the maia @awawawhoami 20h honry RiscV @MKVRiscy·1 1d what would be an extreme case here Masturbation  | Osama bin Laden believed that masturbation was justifiable in extreme cases.  18 1.3K 30K 696K
Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman 17h ... A full 50% of things I hear ads for on podcasts seem like they should be illegal. 62 408 11K 358K
Jacob deNobel @Jacob_deNobel. 1d Love when you can physically see the contractual negotiations show up on screen Jonathan @jonathanmb32. 1d Movie Credits That Go Hard CHARLIZE THERON AS IMPERATOR FURIOSA TOM HARDY AS MAX ROCKATANSKY 16 467 19K 1.3M
4th Quarter Player @abby5to7.20h ... love these Girls. not the most popular but Always sticking together В Rayol Crown Colo CANADÁ SINCE ١٠٠٠ 1919 DRY Mode from Red Ginger Sunkist 7up RC A&W GINGER ROOT 100% Natur Valil 89 3.5K 71K 1.6M
Kyle @WordsByKyle 1d Icebreaker? She tryna start a fight club friend. jojo @p4ristx . 1d my teacher messy asfffienwokwn icebreaker Question: Beyonce or Rihanna? loebreaker Question: Nicki Minaj or Megan Thee Stallion? Icebreaker Question: Drake or Kendrick Lamar? 42 7.5K 131K 2.7M
timmygami eyes @deliclit 1d ... Adderrall hitting while I'm on Facebook marketplace. Bad day to be a 1970s danish side table GIF ALT 33 4.1K 70K del 2M
more - - - Janet Maslin @JanetMaslin 23h You've met him? Reader, I married him. This could work. Tom Broome-Jones @slasherb0y 1d I've met Jon Landau and have to say that Jeremy Strong is very funny casting. x.com/DiscussingFilm... 22 91 1.4K 335K
blaize @devilamb_. 1d ... *yaya* @birtenyspears 3d i fear only one person has truly ever understood me and i fucking hate the guy 1.9K 5 12K 198K
paula @paularambles.8h maybe we didn't meet the KPIs... 4 3 2 3 G++ ... but we did deliver the LMFAOs 35 3K 27K 1.1M
nyah! @JINKIESBTCH 20h i would put my forehead to it and we would connect telepathically and become one. Myth @iamblackmyth.2d This dragon attacks your city, who do you call first ? 76 6.6K 76K 1.7M
janie @janiePHL 1d WRONG! Imagine watching the Hannah Montana Best of Both Worlds 3D concert movie here.. cata spider hayden truther @vadershaunted.3d imagine watching a star wars movie here i would go insane cc TikTok @ marinaarias 0:15 77 8.8K 99K 3.6M
Thomas @len0killer 3h Every friend group needs that one evil traitor 13 139 1.5K 82K
soul nate @MNateShyamalan 1d ... i love the revelation that all of this was to stick it to a middle schooler. legend Fascinating @fasc1nate.2d Pete Weber was not trying to go viral when he won the 2012 PBA U.S. Open. All he wanted to do was to show up a 12-to-14 year old who jeered against him a little too loudly for his liking. When he put up a strike on his final shot, he meant to tell the fan Who do you think you... Show more ESPN ESPN 8 9 10 +1 175 195 9/ WEBER FAGAN 164 184 214
derek guy @dieworkwear.2 23h ... I'll be honest, I didn't know brain worms were a real thing. I thought it was a figure of speech 155 410 11.2K 466K
Rat @kiIaIa713.18h ... Im so h*gh rn and I almost cried thinking of the chefs that have cooked every meal I've ate from restaurants like I am so thankful to them Omg 77 6,816 94.7K 1.5M
Kma @KmaFr_.1d ... I don't know why spanish screenshots of social media is so funny, wdym the post has 183 me gusta 96 1,933 57.6K 1.2M
omeo @ihyomeo 1d first time using a bidet..kinda nervous 147 3,204 50.5K 3.5M
*envy @PlayWinAgain 23h OMGG &$!#% I ordered myself a happy meal and some fat ass pig just took my shit. Door dash didn't refund my shit back either. CJ 0:08 757 7,451 68K 2.8M
jesryn @trublujes 1d ... that goes hard the when i work, nobody knows when i smoke. everybody knows 43 4,778 31.3K 1.6M
taryn @peepsaregood.1 16h ... i just saw a reel that looks like a cute summer activity for an older toddler (bunch of small toys, freeze in a bowl of water, let toddler figure out how to get them out) but all I can think of is that this is exactly what they do for polar bear enrichment at our zoo 38 442 12.2K del 206K
wyabt @wy4bt 19h day 1. learning so much already. just found out about lettuce. Hamburger University Sí DEL Origaudio 223 9,873 181K 3.1M
tara @proletarat. 1d Thinking of calling a spade something else 43 579 9,737 376K


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